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About ten years ago I took the song “Jesus is the answer,” and changed the lyrics. For those of you who do not know the song, the original lyrics were:
Jesus is the answer for the world today
Above him there’s no other Jesus is the way
Jesus is the answer for the world today
Above him there’s no other Jesus is the way
If you really want to hear the music and harmony, I’m sure a quick Google will satisfy your curiosity, but the music was very reminiscent of a 1980s Coke commercial. The song sounded more like “I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke,” than a song of praise and admiration to God. Well, being the snide and troublesome person I am, I rewrote the lyrics:
Jesus is not soda, Jesus is not Pop
He’s not Pepsi-cola, he’s not 7-up
Jesus is not root beer, Coke , or RC
Jesus is not Soda, loaded with caffeine
I’ll admit, probably not the most Christ like thing to do, and my apologies to the author of the song, but dang it! A worship song should not sound like a soda commercial! I really felt (and still feel) bugged that the song sounds like a jingle, because a jingle’s job is to sell and advertise a product. Christianity is not a product and it is not something you “sell.” We’re not a bunch of snake oil salesmen, and we’re not trying to make a profit (OK, some of us aren’t – but that’s a different subject).
I work two jobs in television. Because of confidentiality and professionalism, I won’t mention any names, but I can tell you one of my jobs has a lot of religious programing. I was sitting in master control not too long ago when I hear an announcer say:
The almost too good to be true message of the gospel
Maybe I’m just cynical, but the way he said this made him sound like he was on late night television trying to be the next Tony Robbins (or at the very least, Billy Mays’ replacement). Granted, the context the announcer said this in was indeed trying to sell something (a CD of a message), but Come on! Firstly, the gospel is NOT “too good to be true.” It is not even “almost too good to be true.” The Gospel IS truth – but that’s besides the point. Why do we feel the need to sell the Gospel? Why do we write songs that sound like soda jingles to present the message of Christ? Why do we insist on using late night infomercial sales theory? I realize that things have changed since the first century AD, but I really doubt Peter and Paul had an advertising budget, and they seemed to do just fine without one!
I’ll stop here, because I feel like I’m going into a rant, but I must say something in closing. Instead of buzz words and jingles, how about we rely on the strength of our message? I’m sure the author of “Jesus is the Answer” and the anouncer on the unamed religious program had all the best intentions, but instead of trying to sell the Gospel like soda, money making schemes, or shamwows, how about we show what the Gospel does to our lives instead?
As someone who grew up in the 1980s, I was exposed to many charity supergroups and the songs they produced. Yes, such classics as “We are the World,” “That’s What Friends are For,” and “Do They Know its Christmas” are all part of my childhood – not to mention a few Christian charity supergroups. But Christian or “Secular,” charity soupergroup songs were cheesy, at times unlistenable, but still fond memories. And they laid the groundwork for modern charity supergroups. Two in particular have caught my attention, but for different reasons. In 2005, The North American Hallowe’en Prevention Initiative (NAHPI) recorded “Do They Know its Halloween?” A few months ago the song “Beds are Burning” was re-recorded by a group of international celebrities put together by the organization Tck tck tck. Like I said, the two songs have caught my attention for two different reasons: While NAHPIs song was probably my favorite charity supergroup song of all time, Tck tck tck’s attempt was an exercise in charity supergroup failure.
NAHPI did almost everything right. They never took themselves too seriously, knowing that previous charity supergroups have been parodied beyond measure. In fact, “Do They Know its Halloween” is a direct parody of “Do They know its Christmas.” While the song’s proceeds go to benefit UNICEF, the song “stems from a frustration with other benefit songs’ misguided, somewhat patronizing attitude, and Western-centric worldview.” For their celebrity roster, they kept it pretty low key – mostly indie rockers. The most notable people involved in the song are Beck, Feist, Win and Régine (The Arcade Fire), David Cross, and Elvira (it is a Halloween song after all). The song itself was extremely humorous, and the video even more so. Ghosts with zipper mouths, David Cross yelling about cute Kitten calendars, and even a giant pumpkin moving down the streets, eager to destroy anyone fool enough not to take cover. Do They Know its Halloween is indeed a great song. In fact, its become a cherished tradition of mine to listen to this song over and over on Halloween.
While the NAHPI song was creative, intelligence, and humorous, the Tck tck tck song was – well, not. I found this “gem” on Itunes for free a while back. As I said, I grew up in the 1980’s, so I was very excited to see a cover of the classic Midnight Oil song. Having said this, I must wonder WHAT THE HECK WERE THEY THINKING!?!?!?!?! Yes, Climate change is a pressing issue, and while I will not debate the arguments for or against climate change, but I will say I wish I could undownload this song! And its not just because its a bad song, its because downloading this song off Itunes and other services is an automatic signature to a petition that will be presented at the conference demanding “climate justice now.” This was not stated anywhere when I hit “download.” In a sense, they tricked me into signing their petition. Like I said, I am not going to debate for or against climate change, but I am against anyone who is so desperate for names on thier petition that they are not up front what you are “signing.” It makes me question the organization as a whole, and I have to wonder what they’re trying to sneak into their initiatives.
But I digress. Even if they were honest about why they want people to download their song, one has to wonder still, what the heck were they thinking? Firstly, they were too lazy to write a new song. This is a group of so called artists from around the world, and all they can do is remake a 20 year old song? Can they not use all their alleged musical talent to write a new song? The only good excuse I can think of for using an old song is that its “recycling.” But even if they used Beds are Burning to present an “eco-friendly” model, they could have at LEAST been creative with the lyrics they changed. Instead, you get a song that’s preachy, stuffy, and bland. As far as the “artists,” there’s a few A listers: Fergie (who has the talent and brains of a peanut), and Lily Allen(yawn). They use several international artists (probably the only thing that makes sense about this song, considering its a worldwide conference), a bunch of has beens (Scorpions, Duran Duran, and Midnight Oil), and several top 40 soon to be has been pre-teen rock bands. There’s also an intro statement by Kofi Annan and an ending statement by Desmond Tutu. All in all, Beds are Burning is about the most boring charity supergroup song since Dionne Warwick and friends did “That’s what Friends are For.”
Charity supergroups are often times composed of hypocrites. After Band-Aid, most of the artists walked away and did nothing else (one notable exception is Bono, who stayed in Africa for two weeks afterwards). Most of the celebrities involved in Beds are Burning probably really support the initiatives put out by Tck tck tck, but are they willing to do their part? I would love to see a list of their carbon footprints. Both Fergie and Lily Allen tour on a regular basis. Are their tour buses and jets fueled by bio-diesel? Or do they put out a smog cloud the size of LA every time they tour? Its easy to get in front of a mic and say they support something, but one cannot expect others to change if one does not first change themselves. Perhaps that’s another factor that made NAHPI such a great charity supergroup. They saw something that bugged them, ie the fact that most charity supergroups were patronizing and Western-centric, and they used their creative talents to do something about it! The money they raised for UNICEF was just the icing on the cake.
The Hulk is unstoppable. When he gets mad, he goes on a rampage. He’s destroyed Las Vegas, conquered a foreign planet, and brought an invading fleet of aliens to destroy Earth – all because someone ticked him off. And trying to stop him? Well, good luck with that! But there are a few people who might be able to stop him. So who are these brave candidates? Who can send the Hulk away with his tale between his legs? Who is our only hope if the Hulk decides to go nuclear once more?
Let’s start with Mr Rogers. Yes, yes I said Mr freaking Rogers of the kids TV show. No, its not his arsenal of nuclear sweaters that will make the Hulk run home to his mommy. Mr Rogers can possibly beat the Hulk because of one main consideration: Mr Rogers defeated everyone in Lemon Demon’s “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.” But wait, the Hulk wasn’t in that! No, true, the Hulk was not in that specific song, but Doc Octopus from the Marvel Universe was, therefore it is indeed possible that the entire Marvel Universe was involved. Still, its possible the entire Marvel Universe was not involved. If that’s the case, well sorry Mr Rogers, but I don’t think you’re going to be able to wear a sweater again.
Our next candidate is Black Canary from the DC Universe. For clarification sake, I am talking about Dinah Laurel Lance, not Dinah Drake. The reason that it is possible for Black Canary to best the Hulk is because of her Sonic Cry. Said cry can pretty much knock anyone down, and she has the Martial Arts skills to beat the Hulk up while he’s down. Still, there’s no guarantee that her cry could indeed knock the Hulk down, so if she were to try, well, the Hulk might just have roasted Canary for dinner.
A third, and probably most likely candidate to best the Hulk is Superman. Ah yes, the man of steel. Nothing short of Kryptonite itself can keep Superman down. In fact, Superman DID beat the Hulk. Yes, in DC vs Marvel, Superman beat the Hulk! Still, there is the fact that the Hulk had no real motivation for beating Superman. The Hulk was not mad at Superman. The Hulk was matched against Superman by the two squabbling brothers. If Superman had, say, launched the Hulk into outer space, THEN the battle of Superman vs The Hulk might just have gone another way! Yes, if that were the situation, the best that Superman could hope to achieve is a stalemate. All of Earth destroyed, while the two indestructibles battle it out with each other. And that would be too much for Superman’s conscious, so Superman, in order to save the rest of the Earth, would indeed concede to the Hulk.
So how about someone from the Marvel Universe itself? There’s the Scarlett Witch, who has the ability to change reality. Certainly someone who almost wipes out the entire Mutant race because of a nervous breakdown could take down one measly, over-radiated man. Or what about Domino? She’s got the mutant power to manipulate chance into her favor. She could probably (see?) manipulate the situation to her favor and defeat the Hulk. Ok, let’s stop right there. Both these characters are in the Marvel Universe along with the Hulk. If there was indeed a chance that either character were to beat the Hulk, I think they would have already done it! Instead, they both sit around, powerless, when the Hulk goes on a murderous rampage and threatens to destroy the Earth. Instead, the only way the Hulk can be defeated is for Tony Stark to calmly tell the Hulk the truth while trying not to wet himself as the Hulk ponders whether or not to rip Tony’s head off.
Ok, so who can beat the Hulk then? Anyone? Well, yes. The winner is: THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!!! Specifically Bubbles. Yes, of all the superheroes in all the universe, she is our only hope. Why? The Hulk is powered by his anger. His strength grows as his rage grows. What’s going to make the Hulk mad? Well, someone trying to pound the snot out of him for one thing. But that’s not the direction Bubbles would take. Bubbles would give the Hulk flowers and sing pretty songs to him. Maybe make a cup of hot tea and set him down and give him a hug. Yes, the Hulk could not stand against Bubbles, because by the time Bubbles was through with the Hulk, he would be Bruce Banner once more. And she’s tough too, so she could take being tossed across the room a few times while she’s trying to calm him down.
So lesson learned! If there’s a rift in the time-space contium and the Hulk pops out of universe 616, all we have to do is figure out what universe The Powerpuff Girls live in, and volia! Bubbles to the rescue! Of course, what if we can’t find Bubbles in time? My best advice is hide in a cave in the middle of nowhere. Cause the Hulk is mad, and he’s going to mess us all up!
I look at my coffee drinking habits, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the key factor in where I go for coffee boils down to one thing: convenience. On my way to work, I can usually be found getting coffee at one of three places: Sharrif’s at the Rose Quarter Transit Center, Coffee Max at the Gateway Transit Center, or Starbucks in the US Bank Tower. All three coffee places have excellent service. They’re all expedient. As far as coffee goes, Sharrif’s leaves a little to be desired, Starbucks is, well, Starbucks. and Coffee Max is excellent. The deciding factor in where I get my coffee is always about where am I transferring buses and/or trains. If I’m transferring downtown, its Starbucks. If its at the Rose Quarter, its Sharrif’s. If its at Gateway, its Coffee Max. Simple enough, considering I really don’t have any choice. But then again, I do have choices.
As I mentioned, the coffee at Sharrif’s is the worst of the three and Coffee Max is the best. If I’m going to Sharrif’s, I’m usually riding a blue line, and nine times out of ten, I can just as easily catch a red or green line to Gateway, get better coffee, and still make it to work on time – and yet I don’t. I don’t want to take the extra train, I don’t want to get off and get back on, I don’t want to find another seat. It wouldn’t even cost me any more time - but it is still more convenient for me to get my coffee at Sharrif’s.
I consider myself a coffee snob. If you put a cup of single origin coffee in front of me, I could probably tell you what part of the globe said coffee comes from. I’ve actually imported coffee from Indonesia (though only a small amount and only for my own use). I’m determined to, when I have the time, roast my own beans. And yet so much of my coffee intake is based on convenience, not taste. Even in the times when I seemingly have no other options, there are options. Like I said before – I could hop a second train to get to Coffee Max. If I left my house a little beforehand, I could walk the four blocks to Albina Press and get coffee there! Heck, there’s several options – all better than either Sharrif’s or Starbucks. And yet, these two options are at times the most convenient and thus what I go for. My reputation as a coffee snob is at stake here!
But its more than my coffee snobbery at stake – there’s also the fact that I believe in fair trade coffees. When I go for second rate coffee, its usually not fair trade. So, when I go to Starbucks – I am a hypocrite! Sure, they offer some fair trade blends, but not too many. In all likelihood what they have as their bold coffee of the day (which is what I order) is not one of their fair trade offerings. Its starting to become a matter of conscience to me. If I truly believe in buying fair trade coffees, then I need to start looking past the convenience factor!
Today is Friday. On Fridays after work, I usually go grab a bowl of curry, and then go to a certain Starbucks and watch last night’s “The Office” and “Parks and Recreation” viaHulu . Today, I am going to alter that course of action. Just across the street is a coffee shop that serves fair trade coffees. I can watch my shows there instead, adn my pallete will no doubt thank me for my decision.
It is fairly common for me to make snide remarks about Radiohead. In a conversation with a friend, I once said they were only a step above Matchbox 20. While I was using hyperbole on my friend (who is a pretty loyal Radiohead fan), I do not like the way Radiohead has gone in the last few years – but I don’t actually hate Radiohead, I just think and know they can do better.
Hail to the thief and Thom Yorke’s solo album were, in all honesty, some of the worst albums I’ve heard this decade. In Rainbows had its moments, but I still think they could have done a lot better. And, like I said, that is the point; Radiohead can do better. Ok, I won’t go so far as saying Thom Yorke is a musical genius, but the man has talent. Ok Computer was not a stroke of good luck, but an extremely well done album – and, in my opinion, one of the best albums of the 1990s. Pablo Honey and The Bends were amazing albums! Even Kid A and Amnesic had their moments, though honestly, I think they both start to show Radiohead’s decline.
So what happened? How did Radiohead go from making one of the best albums of the 90s, to making one of the worst albums in the 2000’s? Maybe its laziness, maybe its lack of inspiration, or maybe its the fact that, in terms of thier fans, they can do no wrong (so again, maybe its laziness). Seriously, Radiohead is the band that you cannot insult. Everytime I post a negative comment about Radiohead on Digg, I get burried so deeply that my comments get deleted! Everytime I mention Radiohead’s decline to my friends, or even complete strangers, I get an earful. Why do people insist on standing so vehemently for Radiohead? I think I would get a warmer response if I were to show up at the Democratic National Convention and declare that Geroge W Bush was the best president we ever had! This is not normal behavior people, and quite frankly, this kind of behavior does not provide the band to do better!
I mentioned earlier that In Rainbows “had its moments.” Honestly, I might rate In Rainbows right in between Kid A and Amnesic. They are on an upswing I believe. Musically, and in other areas too. I have a lot of respect for them saying download In Rainbows and pay whatever you feel like paying. Bravo! Bravo! They could have done a better job with the whole Miley Cyrus incident, though in all honesty, I probably would have added insult to injury, so I suppose I should give them some credit for that. Radiohead might very well be on an upswing, however, it might be the fans that make the difference. I challenge all the Radiohead fans out there to do this: Do not automaticlytreat everything Radiohead puts out as gold. Listen to it, get to know the music, analyze the lyrics, and scrutinize the albums and songs against what they’ve done. Does it hold true to their level of talent? Are they taking chances? Are they utilizing thier creative talents? Does the music still hold the edge that Radiohead is famous for? Or does it sound like the leftovers from previous albums? Ask yourselves these questions, and if you find the answer to these questions is no, then be vocal about it! Don’t just pass it off as just a bad album, get online and blog about it! Tell your friends the new Radiohead album sucks! Let your voice be heard! Perhaps this is exactly what Radiohead needs! And perhaps thier next album will be one of the best albums of the next decade.
The images on this site are all stock images from the wordpress template I’m currently using. They’re not bad images, and quite frankly, I wish I had taken them, but they are still not MY images. This bothers me.
So your mission, if you choose to accept it is to look through my flickr and leave a comment (on this site or on flickr) which images you might like to see on this site! I will have to cut whatever images I use to fit the ratio, so keep that in mind!
Thanks Friends!
Whoa! What happened to the site man? Its….DIFFERENT! WHAT THE FREAKING HECK?!?!?!?!
Yes, the old page is history and no way to retrieve it! This is the new page. I’ve finally succumbed into using wordpress. So sue me! Hahah.
Anyways, I’ll be importing old articles into this “new” blog sometime soon. Be patient. 
Of course, the old content isn’t ALL that’s going to be up here. I’ll be honest, I’m re-launching because I need to start writing again. So look out for that content as well!
One of my favorite things about this time of year is sifting through everybody’s top 5, 10, 25, and etcetera lists. A particular favorite category is that of the years top albums. This year has produced an excessive amount of great music -so much that I’ve been having a hard time making a list of my own. But while sifting through everyone else’s lists, I’ve found several albums missing that deserve a lot more credit then what they got this year. Most of my picks are mentioned on some lists, if you dig enough, but their merit is somehow forgotten. So, without any further wait, here is my top 5 albums that aren’t getting the attention they deserve in other people’s best of 2008 lists:
#5 REM – Accelerate. When this one was released, I held my breathe. Would it be another “Up?” Or would REM return to being the musical geniuses they were in the 80s and 90s? Well, I am quite happy to say that this is the best album they’ve released since “Monster.” Here’s hoping they either stay on this track, or retire. Well, maybe that’s a little too harsh.
#4 Ladytron – Velocifero. Ok, let’s be honest about two things: a) Ladytron is one of my favorite bands (so I might be bias with their inclusion on this list), and b) Velocifero was not their best work – in fact, I might even say it was their worst album to date. But still, this album has had its moments. The song “verses” alone, with its clever phrase turns and the fact that its the first Ladytron song to date with a male vocalist! “Kletva,” is quite a catchy tune as well – one is tempted to learn Bulgarian just so they can sing along.
#3 Of Montreal – Skeletal Lamping. To be fair, I did see this mentioned in several of the KEXP staff top ten lists, but hardly anywhere else. This album is not family friendly, far from it! So if you’re easily offended, veer away from this album. However, the sensual nature of the lyrics with the trademark “all over the place” feel of the music that really make this album worth more than a few listens. And bonus points for being an actual album with a natural flow and intertwining pieces, as opposed to a playlist of ten random songs.
#2 Black Kids – Partie Traumatic. This album is just pure fun. It feels almost like a guilty pleasure, but then one hears the lyrics and realizes the depth of the music. How many people had “I’m not gonna teach your Boyfriend how to dance with you” orbiting their head for the better part of the summer? I’m actually surprised the song is not blasting from the speakers of every American Eagle store in the country (give it a year).
#1 The 1900s – Cold & Kind. I stumbled upon this band at Musicfest NW, and was severely disappointed to find out they’re not from Portland, but rather Chicago. I have not found an album this listenable in a couple years, and while I can’t pick a list of ten albums this year, I can say without a doubt this was indeed my favorite album of 2008.
Honorable Mention: The B52s – Funplex. About half of you just decided I don’t know a damned thing about music, didn’t you? I was indeed skeptical of this album, I mean the B52s haven’t done anything worthwhile since “Cosmic Thing!” Well, maybe there’s something in the Athens, GA water supply (which would also explain REM and Of Montreal), but Funplex is perhaps the best B52s album ever. From the insightful “Juliet of Spirits,” and even the erotic “Ultraviolet,” perhaps “the ultimate party band” has finally grown up.
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