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  • Should I watch this Shark movie?

    Shark movies - bringing the terror of the deep sea to your living room!If you know me, you know I love sharks. One of my favorite things about summer – almost every year there seems to be at least one good shark movie. This year’s movie, Meg, looks particularly exciting. Every scientific fact I know says the premise could never be. Still – I kind of hope we find that Megalodon exists somewhere. I know that we don’t really want it circling our beaches. Even though sharks don’t actually like eating humans, they sometimes get confused. No if  Megalodon exists – probably best that it exists in a deep cove in the middle of the ocean. But I digress. The point of this article – there are a lot of shark movies! Some of them are good, some of them are – not so good. So, as a community service, I shall give my opinion of several shark movies. That way you will know which movies are worth watching, and which movies you should just skip over.

     

    Jaws

    We all know Jaws – it may have been the very first blockbuster. It gave Steven Spielberg a blank check to pretty much do whatever he wants, and that alone makes me think that Jaws might be the king of the shark movies. I watched Jaws a few years back, thinking this movie will have aged. However – while Jaws certainly does not have the best special effects, the writing is still solid. Besides, who could forget the line…we’re going to need a bigger boat?

    TL:DR Watch Jaws!

     

    Deep Blue Sea


    I have no idea if I watched Deep Blue Sea when it came out. Looking at the era, it certainly is possible. I saw a lot of movies in the late 90s. Still – I might have said…that looks too scary. Yeah – I was kind of a chicken when it came to even remotely scary movies. But I digress. I watched Deep Blue Sea last week, and I enjoyed the movie. However, I would not watch it again as honestly – it really wasn’t that great of a movie. Still – Deep Blue Sea has its good points. Deep Blue Sea certainly keeps you guessing who will live and who will die. This is essential to any shark movie. The writing was a bit wooden – but oh well – giant mutant sharks trap the humans underwater. Why not?

    TL:DR Watch Deep Blue Sea – but don’t expect a serious film.

     

    Sharknado

    I used to love the Asylum – then they made Sharknado. Somehow, Sharknado got a ton of buzz and everyone was like….yeah, I want to watch it. Then they made – what – twenty sequels? Each and every sequel was even more ridiculous. I don’t mind if a movie is intentionally bad, but I feel like the Asylum ran with the popularity of Sharknado to see how bad they could get. As far as the movie itself – it really is not that great of a movie – even for a bad, B movie. I kind of felt let down after watching Sharknado. The concept itself is great! But the execution just failed miserably.

    TL:DR Don’t watch Sharknado

     

    Shark Night

    A bunch of college students go to a cabin and meet a bunch of sharks. Like – ALL the sharks. There were hammerheads and bull sharks and tiger sharks and pretty much every non-extinct shark you could name. Shark Night serves a smorgasborge for all your man-eating shark movie needs! Shark Night certinaly did not take itself too seriously mind you. The tone was almost comedic, and no one expected any accolades. Shark Night was just a lot of dumb, mindless fun.

    TL:DR Watch Shark Night! Shark Night is fun!

     

    47 Meters Down

    My girlfriend loves Mandy Moore and I love shark movies – so of course we had to see 47 Meters Down. I even have a photo of myself getting “eaten” by a giant, cardboard shark advertising the movie. Did I love this movie? Meh – it was ok. I feel like 47 Meters Down felt like it tried to be too serious. The movie tried to show what a lack of oxygen in shark infested waters might do to a person. To be fair – 47 Meters Down serves a great suspense thriller – but just because the movie takes place mostly underwater, that does not mean the movie must be “deep.”

    TL:DR Meh – watch 47 Meters Down anyways.

     

    The Shallows


    Swoooon. I love this movie. I love The Shallows sooooo much that I will probably watch this movie again after I finish writing about this movie. The Shallows really shows the audience that drama and shark movies can co-habitate. The movie focuses on a surfer trapped 200 meters offshore with an angry, vicious great white pining to end her life. The surfer’s injuries bleed into the water, only feeding the shark’s rage even more. Wow. Just wow. This film might be the best Shark movie ever.

    TL:DR Watch The Shallows! Watch it twice!

     

    2-Headed Shark Attack

    A year before Sharknado, the Asylum released probably their best shark movie. A group of teens encounters an unnatural predator in a hungry, viscous, 2-Headed shark. The teens escape to a deserted atoll, only to find their island of safety is sinking and the 2-headed shark followed them. The acting is bad, the props are ridiculous, and the plot really stinks. Still 2-Headed Shark Attack shows the best of the Asylum. 2-Headed Shark shows a bad movie with a small budget that just does not take itself too seriously.

    TL:DR Watch 2-Headed shark if you like cheesy B movies. Stay clear of the two sequels though.

     

    Finding Nemo

    Wait a minute – Finding Nemo isn’t a shark movie. Finding Nemo is about a clown fish and Blue Tang fish trying to find Nemo. But wait….do you not remember some of their buddies? The Sharks sworn to the oath – fish are friends, not food? OK, ok, so Finding Nemo as a shark movie might be – nay – is a huge stretch, however, I feel as though Finding Nemo serves as a decent palette cleanser. You just witnessed a bunch of carnage at the hand, err, Jaws, of some of nature’s most vicious killing machines. You need this! Besides – sharks really are friends. Most sharks attack humans not out of hunger or even malice (bull sharks being an exception). Most sharks attack humans out of – well – accident. They think you’re food, yes, but they don’t think you’re human. They actually don’t like the way we taste.

    TL:DR Watch Finding Nemo as a palette cleanser.

     


    So many other shark movies.

    There are other shark movies I skipped over: Ghost Shark, the Reef, Jersey Shore Sharks, Open Water et cetera. Omission by no means says anything negative or positive about these movies. I just have not seen every shark movie. I mean, I am only one man with a finite amount of time. Maybe by next summer I’ll review a few more. I will say that if a shark movie is a sequel, a good rule of thumb: skip it. There are a few exceptions mind you – but Open Water 2, Sharknado 2, Deep Ocean 2, Deep Blue Sea 2, and the like – meh. You’ve got better use of your time.


  • The ten most awesome sharks ever!

    Sharks. Holy crap, they’re cool. Fish that are often times huge, evolved to kill anything and everything in their paths with their teeth of justice! Ok, ok, some of them are actually pretty tame, but I think it says a lot about them that their gentle cousins, the Rays, actually killed Steve Irwin. I mean, the dude wrestled freaking crocodiles, and yet a freaking sting ray killed him. Yeah….ok, ok, maybe that’s just circular logic, but dangit, sharks are cool and it’s shark week darnit!!! So to honor this festive time, here’s my list of the ten most awesome sharks ever!

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    10. Great White Shark – This is, without a doubt, the king of the sharks. No other shark brings as much fear to us as the Great White. Jaws is coming to get us and we need a bigger boat! Yes! And they’re everywhere man, they’re everywhere. They’re in your bed at night! Ok, ok, maybe not in your bed….but they might as well be! They’re in every ocean except for the Artic and the Northern Antlantic. And they will get up into the Northern Atlantic….Jaws did happen in Nantucket after all…..

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    9.  Australian Ghost Shark / Elephant Shark – Look back at the great White shark. Now look at the Elephant Shark – yeah, they don’t even look like they’re both from the same Class – and yet they are. The Great White shark is the epitome of the natural born killing machine – but the elephant shark? Well, it’s just one of those fish that flops around, all chill doing it’s Dumbo imitation with its faux trunk. Yeah. This shark has a faux trunk – you want to make something of it? I didn’t think so – because he might be a dumbo looking shark, but dumbo will mess you up because he’s still a shark! Respect the freaking shark!

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    8. Saw Shark – How would you like a chainsaw for a freaking nose? Huh? Well, that’s what the saw shark has – a long nose with long, sharp teeth lining the right and left of it’s freaking snout. Yeah…..that’s what you call a nightmare. But unlike a chainsaw, it can’t run out of gas. It just thrashes it’s snout until its freaking prey is dead and it’s gobbling the mutilated flesh. Yeah….don’t mess with this bastard. You’ll end up an amputee!

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    7. Frilled Shark – look at this shark. Isn’t he evil looking? He’s like a demon from the deeps, coming to eat your soul!!! If you see this, run for your life, because Lucifer himself has sent this sucker to consume you! Ooooo, but it’s so much worse than that…..this shark’s teeth are even more nightmarish! It’s got rows upon rows of needle-like teeth lining it’s long jaws. Stick your hand in one of these, and you might as well stick your hand in a meat grinder powered by about 100 pissed off cats. That’ll hurt!

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    6.  Megamouth – this thing claims it only eats plankton, but look at it….does that look like something that only eats plankton? That mouth is huge. It could probably fit a Volkswagen bug in it’s mouth if it wanted to – not that anything would want to eat a Volkswagen beetle. But it could if it wanted to darn it!!! More-so, this thing looks like the godfather. Yes, maybe it isn’t lying about it’s diet, but it’s hands, err….fins aren’t clean, that’s for sure. It’s the one running the show from behind the scenese. It’s the one telling all of the other sharks to eat everything else……Your only hope is to ask for a favor on this, the day of it’s daughter’s wedding….or it’ll have an offer you can’t refuse.

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    5. Whorl Shark – This shark has a normal shark body, but a freaking circular saw blade for a lower jaw. Seriously, it’s jaw just kind of winds up. I’m not sure which is worse, this or the saw shark, but this shark certainly looks way more awesome than any damned chainsaw wannabe shark. This will do more than make you an amputee, this will cut you in half like a 2×4!!! Yeah! Aren’t you afraid to go into the water now? Well….maybe you shouldn’t be actually. This guy hasn’t swam in the oceans of earth for over 200 million years. Still…you never know….one might have survived in the depths of the ocean. Maybe it’s just waiting to make its resurgence back into the world. First it’ll conquer the oceans, and then the world.

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    4. Whale Shark – Finally, a shark that doesn’t pose any threat to our well being. Well, unless your name is Jonah! Yes….some biblical scholars believe it was not a whale that ate Jonah, but a whale shark. And you can see why. They’re huge. Oh, and they know it too. Google Whale shark attacks diver. Yeah…..they might not have any teeth, but if they feel threatened, they’ll use their size against you – in a deadly way. It’s like they’re the hippos of the sea! So even if you’re not supposed to go to Nineveh, be wary of this dude.

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    3. Megladon – What happens when a Great White Shark takes steroids? You get a huge ass shark that’s not afraid of anything. Seriously, when these suckers were around, they would eat whales. Freaking whales I tell you! The world hasn’t seen these creatures in 2.5 million years, which means one thing – Australopithecus must have hunted these suckers to extinction because they knew if they didn’t, the sharks would adapt to life on land and eat all our proto-human, ape like ancestors!!! Oh, but just as we know the Whorl shark is lurking about the depths of the ocean, so is Megladon. Just waiting to make its appearance once more…..sooooooooon.

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    2. Goblin Shark – The Goblin shark is often called a living fossil – but I call it a living nightmare! Seriously, it looks like that nerd from your chemistry class mated with a fish. This sucker is soooo ugly. Still, it’s the kind of so ugly that it’s cute type of thing. Awww, maybe I’ll just cuddle with him for a bit. He looks like he needs a hug. Then again, that nose of his might spear me. That would hurt. Also, he smells like fish. So… I guess he smells a little better than the nerd in chemistry class. Oh yeah…did I mention those teeth are like serrated blades? Nerd or not..might want to let him sit with the cool kids. That bite will hurt!

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    1. HammerHead – This! This is the best shark ever! Awww yeah, the hammerhead. He’s got a hammer for a head! He’s like a great white with a lot more smarts and a lot more awesome! That’s really all there is to say about this awesome shark – other than it can kick all other sharks in the buttox because it’s so awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Still, don’t get too close to this awesome shark, because he is a shark and he could mess up your day royally. Just admire it from a distance….Salute it like a flag. Looking up, but never touching. And singing to it. I’m not sure what to sing to it – but we should sing to it. I pledge allegiance to the hammerhead.

    Disclaimer:
    This is a piece of comedy, and while one should always realize sharks are wild animals with the ability to mess up your day (well, a lot of sharks at least), they are also not as big of a threat to humans as we tend to portray them in the media. Yes, you should keep your distance – yes, you should make sure you’re aware of your surroundings when they’re around, but you should also admire them and respect them – don’t just fear them. Sharks really are awesome!