I’m usually not very harsh when it comes to movies. If I’ve plopped my 10 or 12 bucks down, I’m most likely going to enjoy myself. My degree in English helps – as it arms me with the ability to find subtext where others might not find it. So I often times find significance and enjoyment in films in which others tend to view as a waste of time and energy. Having said that – there are some movies that simply have no redemption as far as I’m concerned. Come join me will you, as I give a big fat raspberry to what I view as the worst of the worst. These are movies that are absolute abortions, or rather should have been aborted. Seriously Hollywood, why did you make these films?
Small soldiers – Ok, so my view of this film might be tainted. I went to see it for two reasons. 1) I thought it was going to be a spin off of Toy Story staring the army men. I was stoked to see it and very disappointed when I found out (in the theater) this was not at all related to Toy Story. 2) I was in college and had a crush on a girl who liked to go see the latest films – so I was stoked to be able to talk to her about this one come Monday afternoon in History 101. Sigh….she didn’t even see the damned movie. Ok, ok, so maybe I’m being unfair – maybe this shouldn’t have, as I stated in my opening paragraph, been aborted. And maybe, just maybe, an early 20’s college student just wasn’t the target audience. Still…it was not a good experience for me, and thus it is on my naughty list.
Battleship – After this movie came out, Gail Simone wrote on her twitter feed “I saw Battleship…” The tone, if you can’t tell, was “why the hell did I see Battleship? And that’s pretty much my reaction. Seriously….what kind of idiot decides “Hey, here’s a popular board game, let’s make it into a movie. But let’s not make it like the game at all – let’s add aliens!!! But all that could be forgiven if they had actually given the lead role, Alex Hopper, a freaking personality. He was basically a piece of wood. Seriously – this is the idiot that saves the world? No…just no. This battleship deserves to be sunk.
Napoleon Dynamite – Ok, I realize this is going to be polarizing – I don’t care because I’m right and anyone who disagrees is wrong! Did that sound harsh? Well…..that’s basically the reason I hated the movie. Almost every character was an absolute jerk. It wasn’t just the mean high school teenagers, Napoleon’s uncle, grandma, and brother….the titular character was an absolute jerk. In fact….there were two characters, and only two out of a pretty large cast that weren’t absolut jerks. There was Deb, who probably should run away from that town as soon as she turns 18, and there was Pedro. Oooo, and let’s talk about Pedro. The character himself is fine, but his cousins were nothing but a Hispanic stereotype. Kids who dress in the Vato style and drive around in low-riders. Oh, but that isn’t the only racist stereotype. Napoleon’s eventual sister-in-law, Lafawnduh is a walking stereotype. Even her name – I just spent five minutes googling said name, and all I found was references to this movie, thus I feel safe in saying this: Lafawnduh sounds like a name a bunch of white people would make up trying to make fun of African Americans. Napoleon dynamite is a racist turd of a movie and a study in how not to treat people. Naopolean Bonaparte was exciled to Malba; Napolean Dynamite should be exciled down the toilet and into the sewers!
San Andreas – Hey, let’s make a movie based on the fallacy that the entire state of California is going to fall into the ocean! Ok, ok, I actually enjoy movies like this, but I have to care about the characters. In San Andreas, I found myself just wishing Dwayne Johnson’s role would just freaking die already. Oh, and let’s talk about the fact that he goes to save his daughter. Sure, this is noble, yadda yadda yadda, but in doing so he abandons his post and therefore condemns others to die. Seriously – he’s a helicopter rescue pilot – he is needed right now, and yet he decides he doesn’t need to fulfill his duties. I can’t blame him mind you, but I hope when the dust settles, he’s severely reprimanded by his superiors. Actually, 90 percent of the movie could have been rescued if this one character was maybe rehashed a bit. You hear that Dwayne Johnson, San Andreas is all your….fault.
Skyline – This is, undeniably, the worse movie I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I felt this movie was written by a committee. I can hear them in their board rooms: “Ok, this worked in the Matrix, so let’s use it. This worked in Star Wars, so let’s use it. This works in…” you get the idea. The main character was the biggest douche nozzle ever. OK, so he’s going to break up with his girlfriend, then he finds out she’s pregnant, and then at the very end when the aliens have sucked up their brains, they still find each other because true love? Huh? So….we go from “I’m done with this girl,” to “I won’t let anything, even our disembodiment, stand in the way of true love!!!” Right. And by the way, they’re the only couple, out of the billions of couples on Earth, who are able to find each other because of the power of love…riiiiight. Some other notes – every time I started to actually like a character, they got killed or brain sucked by the aliens. And let’s not forget that while the entire planet was being invaded, this movie focuses on just a handful of people. I guess their lives are more important than anyone else’s…. By the way, for added torture, there was also Battle LA. Basically the same movie, only it was military people instead of civilians. I heard the two movies were supposed to actually be one, but someone got mad or something. So instead of one pile of crap, we got two! What a deal! What a brain sucking turd of a deal. I’m so glad this movie flopped at the theater.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – Oh Micheal Bay, how you spit upon my childhood. Is that a bit harsh? Yeah…probably. Still, as someone who was the target age of the first wave of Transformers, I feel justified in saying this. Yeah, the first movie kind of sucked, but the second movie – well that was just more than awful. From the two streetwise, jive-talking autobots, to Devistator’s testicles, this movie just…no. Just no. Bad Micheal Bay, why does he keep making movies? Well – at least the third movie wasn’t as bad. In fact it kind of gave me what I wanted in the first two installments, that is Big Giant Robots Killing Each other. Added note: #5 just came out and while it’s not as bad as 2, it certainly is close! (bleep) you, Micheal Bay. (Bleep ) you in the (bleep) until you (bleep) and (bleep) like a red hot (bleep) and a I (vleep) you in the (bleep) like bongo!