• Category Archives Pointless rants
  • Just me, shooting my mouth off or something.

  • The best stuff ever! Part one….

    cute cat

    Stuff! Stuff is cool! Stuff is good! Stuff is awesome! Well, maybe not all stuff. But a lot of stuff is cool and awesome and good! And some stuff is cooler and awesome-er and uhhh good-er. Wait, that’s not how you say that! Better! Better! Holy crap better! But I digress. Some stuff is better than other stuff. So what’s the best stuff though? What’s the cream of the crop as far as stuff goes? Well, I’ll tell you darnit! I’ll tell you right now!!!!! Sit down, because sonny boy or girl, you’re about to get schooled with the best stuff ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The Coast Yes, the coast! It’s calming, it’s full of salty air, and dangit, it’s just awesome! I love the coast and wouldn’t want to be anywhere that I can’t get to the coast in less than three hours. Seriously. Don’t make me move to Colorado or Texas or Chicago, or Saskatchewan. I ain’t gonna do it! Why? Because the coast! And not just any coast…..the Oregon Coast! Yes, the Oregon coast is the best coast ever. We rule! We have the best sunsets when the clouds cooperate, and dangit, we have pretty pretty rock formations everywhere!

    Heavy Metal Music Come on, whom among you doesn’t love a loud, guitar ridden, heavy metal song! Who doesn’t love AC/DC pumped up to 11? Who doesn’t like Hair Metal? Who doesn’t like ten minute drum solos? Seriously, long live Rock and Roll! I remember at my Grandpa’s retirement party, I had my headphones on. My Grandma’s sister asked me what I was listening to. I said, in the most bad ass, eighth grade voice I could muster, TO HELL WITH THE DEVIL!!! Yeah, yeah, It was Stryper…..Soooooo Bad ass (sarcasm). But I mean, maybe in my adolescent mind, I thought they were girls. Seriously….look at them!!! They look like girls!!!!

    Interestingly enough, the only one that still looks like a girl is the one with the chest hair.
    Interestingly enough, the only one that still looks like a girl is the one with the chest hair.

    Regardless, I still love heavy metal. And I still even like Stryper! Although I like a lot of other bands too! Don’t judge me just because I grew up listening to Christian Rock!!!

    Chai Tea I’m enjoying a pot of it right now!!! Seriously, it’s spicy, it’s smooth, it’s got caffeine, it’s got a hint of sweetness! What the heck is better than chai tea? Especially when served with milk. mmmmmm. I think I’ll go get myself another pot! Seriously. Mmmmmmmm.

    Glasses I think about this all the time – how if I didn’t have my glasses I would be royally screwed! I mean, I would get amazingly bad headaches. I wouldn’t be able to legally drive. That sign 30 feet away? It says exit. How do I know that? Because freaking glasses of course!!!!!!! All hail the mighty glasses! Now, I just wish I could keep mine a bit cleaner. Seriously. There’s always smudges on them. It’s almost impossible to see out of them.

    A good pair of headphones So much of my life was squandered on crappy headphones. And then I woke up! Holy crap, if you’re paying 20 bucks for your headphones, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!! Seriously, there’s no sound coming from those pieces of crimminy! None! Go get yourself some senheisers. NOW!

    Cats If you don’t like cats, you can’t be trusted! That is a scientific fact! And don’t give me that whole allergy excuse – I have allergies to cats too, but it doesn’t stop me from cuddling with my scnookiee wookums! In fact, the only thing that keeps me from snuggling with him is the fact that he hates it and eventually claws me up. Seriously, my arms have so many cat scratch scars on them, it looks like I’ve been doing heroin! But I still snuggle with him! And I’m happy to clean his litter box. I’m happy to feed him when he’s hungry, even if it’s in the middle of the freaking night. Seriously – there’s nothing I won’t do for my master! All hail the cat! All hail the true ruler of the world!

    Seriously - who can say no to this face? I mean, you'd have to be a monster!!!
    Seriously – who can say no to this face? I mean, you’d have to be a monster!!!

    Water Yes, Water. It makes plants grow and it makes me less thirsty. It’s really a miracle thing! But watch out! I hear someone’s been putting chemicals in water! Seriously, some sicko has been putting dihydrogen monoxide in our water! It can be found in dangerous levels all over the world! Seriously, two ounces of this poison can kill you. And yet you can find this chemical in our water! Keep our water chemical free dangit!!!!

    Sharks Ooooo, yes, sharks. Sharks are awesome! Sharks are Awesome! I told you before that sharks are awesome! Why won’t you believe me? Oh, I know….you’re one of those fin eaters, aren’t you? Well guess what? That’s based on freaking psuedoscience and you need to get some science in you STAT! I mean, I do like eating shark tacos. There’s something about eating apex predators that make you feel superior! Bow to me, for I will eat you if you don’t! OK, ok, just kidding – don’t eat the sharks. They’re awesome! Seriously, look at this guy and tell me he isn’t awesome!!!!

    Awwww yeah, the hammerhead is sooooo Awesome!!!
    Awwww yeah, the hammerhead is sooooo Awesome!!!

    Video Games Yeah! Ain’t nothing better than laying in bed after a hard day at work, killing people in GTA. Or maybe I’m working on my latest murder coaster in Roller Coaster Tycoon. Or maybe I’m finding a way to torture villagers in my dungeon on minecraft. Or maybe…..umm…..maybe I need to seek professional help. I seem to be a psychopath!

    Showers Ever gone a week without a shower? Let me tell you, it’s not fun! Seriously, by the end of the week, you have barnacles attached to your ears. BARNACLES! It’s really gross! In my defense, I wasn’t able to take a shower because I was on a trip. About 30 of us all camping in Mexico, and that’s why I didn’t shower. But ohmygosh. It was BAD! BAAAAAAAAD. EWWWWW GROSS BAD! At least everyone I was with was in the same boat. But GROSS! Gross! So always take showers and never take showers for granted! See what I did there?

    Grammer Grammer rules. Always use proper grammer or I’ll whip you with a wet noodle. its inscrutable to me how some don’t know how to use proper grammer. I know its though. I know you have better things too due. I know their are dying children and proppar grammer seams stupid. But its not! USE PROPER GRAMMER!

    Coffee How can you live without coffee? You can’t! That’s how! If you don’t like coffee, you don’t like to live! You don’t like being awake! You don’t like anything I like because you don’t like coffee! Seriously though – coffee is amazing. And I’m not at all addicted to caffeine. Now where’s my trucker’s choice stay awake pills?

    Mmmmm......look at that crema!
    Mmmmm……look at that crema!

    Walking around in the middle of the night, yelling like a madman while swinging a cleaver back and forth What. you’ve never done this? Ummm…..why not? Come to think of it, this is pretty creepy. Hmmm, maybe I should call for that professional help even sooner. Yeah….I’m definitely a psychopath.


    So why didn’t I name any people? I mean, Jesus, my girlfriend, a band, or anything like that? Well – read the title! It says the best STUFF ever. Stuff are things, and people are not things. I thought we learned this lesson after the Civil war. Geez. People are not things. People are not your own personal property. The very fact that I had to right this makes me sick. Yeah. I’m so sick of you! Go away! Goodbye! Gosh!

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  • Show me that smile again….Or, whatever happened to the TV theme song

    tapesThe 80s and 90s were a golden age of music…we had New Wave, alternative, pre-alternative, punk, and a million other amazing genres. Even the theme songs from sitcoms knew where it was at. We had such classics as Family Ties (what would we do baby, without us?), The Facts of Life (You take the Good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have), Perfect Strangers, Who’s the Boss, Silver Spoons, Full House, Friends, The Wonder Years…I could literally fill this entire article up with examples of memorable, and quite frankly, amazing sitcom theme songs from 1980 through the year 1999. I can’t even fill a quarter of this article with good theme songs from 2000 through 2015. What the heck happened?

    whatchutalkinboutwillisMaybe I should back up and ask a different question: what makes a good sitcom theme? Let’s look at the following: The Brady Bunch, Gilligan’s Island, and The Flinstones – all theme songs I would bet most Americans know. Yes, yes, I realize those are all from a time-frame outside of the periods I’m talking about, but I’m viewing these three as a control – as a canon in which to judge all other sitcom theme songs. As I stated before, most Americans (and I’m guessing many people in many other cultures) could recite or sing the lyrics to all three of these by heart. This is one measure of a good theme song – it’s memorability. They are catchy and they are something one might catch oneself singing, or at least humming in the shower. A second criteria – these songs tell what the show is about. For example, The Brady Bunch tells us about the merging of the two families into one; Gilligan’s Island tells the tale of how the castaways got to the deserted island they’re stranded on. The Flinstones theme tells of the prehistoric family, and even invites the audience to watch their zany adventures as they live their lives.

    The third, and most important thing in a sitcom theme is that it is something that becomes part of the culture. The theme song becomes something more than just a song which tells us a show is about to start – it becomes something we find ourselves singing when we’re drunk or in a silly mood or what have you. Granted, cultural relevancy is closely related to the fact that the theme song must be memorable. A song won’t become part of the culture if the song is not memorable, though that does not mean they are one and the same. A song must have culture relevancy. When I was a teen, I remember hearing a preacher trying to shame us because we could sing the theme song to the Flinstones easily but very few in that crowd could recite certain Bible Verses. That preacher did not understand, that while said Bible Verses are not necessarily part of the culture, the theme to the Flinstones is very much a part of the culture. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the theme from the Flintstones over a thousand times. Aside from maybe John 3:16, I’m not sure I can name one Bible Verse that I’ve heard recited as often. One does not walk down the street to hear Romans 3:23 being whistled by some random passerby-er, or Psalms 119 being played from a nearby television. They aren’t really part of the culture; they are part of certain subsets of the culture, but not the American culture at large. However, the theme from the Flinstones, the theme from the Brady Bunch, and the theme from Gilligan’s Island are indeed part of the American culture at large. That’s why we were able to recite them. That’s why youth groups sing Amazing grace to the tune of Gilligan’s Island, that’s why I heard someone singing the Brady Bunch on the bus just the other day (note: this might sound like anecdotal evidence – however in this case I think we can forgive the lack of scientific data). Granted, cultural relevancy is closely related to the first point I made, ie the fact that the theme song must be memorable. A song won’t become part of the culture if the song is not memorable, though that does not mean they are one and the same.

    To be fair, there are a few of theme songs that really don’t fit all these criteria, but are great nonetheless. Most of them, however, are instrumentals and do fit points one and three. The Theme from the Office is a classic example. However, even those are becoming few and fare between. I used the Office as an example, because it is the only sitcom in the semi-modern era I could think of. The others I thought of were Seinfeld (1989 – 1998), The Simpsons (while current, it began in 1989), and Night Court (1984 – 1992). To be fair, I did think of another which is indeed modern era: The Crazy Ones. The theme for the Crazy Ones made me very happy, and is very memorable to me – however, most people really didn’t like The Crazy Ones. Despite staring a beloved cast (we miss you Robin), the show, and by extension, the theme didn’t really become part of the culture.

    I'm no superman!
    I’m no superman!
    Going back to shows that meet all three criteria, I can only name two that fit the current criteria: Family Guy, which I don’t count because it started in the 90s, and The Big Bang Theory – which is a stretch for point number two. If we add in shows that have ended, but are still in the current era, I guess we can add Srubs. Sure, there are sitcoms that failed which might have tried (Selfie). There’s The Goldbergs, which hasn’t quite ascended into “part of the American culture at large,” (yet?). There’s probably a few cable shows that I’m missing (maybe on Disney or Nickelodeon), but again they might be part of a sub-culture, but not part of the culture in general. If I heard someone whistling the theme to say, ICarly (is that still on?), I wouldn’t recognize it. It’s time to face facts – the powerhouse of sitcom songs from the 80s and 90s seems to be a thing of the past.

    But why has this happened? What happened to the TV theme song? To be honest, I don’t know that the why even matters. What matters is we somehow storm the Bastille, or rather Hollywood, and demand they give us our freaking sitcom songs back! Now! No, no, no, we don’t want a clone of Charles in Charge or Silver Spoons or Who’s the Boss – those wouldn’t be culturally relevant. We want something fresh. You can even give us a song that wasn’t originally written for the show – I’ve mentioned the shows Friends, Scrubs, and the Wonder Years; those weren’t original songs – but they were culturally relevant, they were memorable, and they explained the general premise of the show. So please, production companies – for the sake of the culture! Of all mankind! Bring us a renaissance of sitcom theme songs! Just think about this, it’s free advertising. Every time I hear the theme from Friends, it makes me want to watch friends. Sure, the show is in syndication, but one day I won’t be able to pull it up on TBS or Nick at Night, and one of these days it won’t be on Netflix. That is the day I shell out a couple hundred bucks for the entire damned series. That is the day you get my money, all because I heard a stupid song.

    I leave you with this tribute to 80s sitcom theme songs…

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  • The Slug Bug is dead! Long live the Smug Bug!

    Back in the 80s, the Volkswagen beetle was as common as a can of new Coke, the phrase “totally radical” or a pair of Esprit jeans. Combine the VW Bug’s popularity with the iconic and easily spotted shape, and it was the perfect car for a road game. The rules of this game varied from family to family – some played “slug bug” (or punch buggy), where siblings were encouraged to punch each other as hard as they could whenever they spotted a VW Bug. My family liked to play “Herbie,” where it was a contest to see who could spot the most. I suspect this was because I was an only child, and my parents didn’t want me to punch them as hard as I could – but I digress. smug-alert

    The days of slug bugs and herbies seems to have died – as there just aren’t that many 40 year old cars on the road anymore. Sure, there was the New Beetle, and supposedly was a special “slug” you were supposed to use, but that never caught on and really even those aren’t as prevalent as their ancestor beetles. There’s a huge void in the “spot the car while abusing your siblings and friends” style of game! So what do we do? The answer is simple: SmugBugs!

    The name “SmugBug” is my nickname for the Toyota Prius. I can’t claim credit for the word, so don’t say that I coined the phrase. I gained inspiration for the phrase “smug bug” from the South Park episode “Smug Alert,” where people droves of South Park residence decided to drive Prii and felt like they were some sort of environmental hero – when really they were just smug idiots. From the episode…

    …although emission levels are down, people who drive hybrids spew “self-satisfied garbage” into the air, an emission called “smug”, and South Park now has the second-highest levels in the country, after San Francisco.

    To be fair, not all who drive hybrids, particularly those who drive Prii (I swear that’s really the plural), are by far from smug. In fact, my one experience riding in a Prius involved the driver pressing the start button several times, cussing, and calling their beloved vehicle a damned piece of junk. Having said that, there are plenty of people who drive a Prius with a smug self-satisfaction of being a hero. One can often times recognize these people by their bumper stickers. Phrases like “There is no planet B” or “My other car is a bicycle,” or “Vegans do it in the dirt…” These smug addicts often times litter their cars with multitudes of these bumper stickers. You’ll also notice a distinct sound coming from their speakers. It’s a song you may or may not have heard but sounds like it’s trying way too hard to not sound like every other piece of indie rock that’s been produced in the last three or four years.

    At what point did this car become a parody of itself?
    At what point did this car become a parody of itself?

    But back to the game already…how does one play “SmugBug?” The rules of SmugBug are quite simple – when you see a Prius, yell “SmugBug (color of the car)” and punch the person next to you as hard as you can – or at least as hard as the law allows without an attempted assault and battery charge. Once someone “calls” a specific car, that car cannot be called again. It’s literally the same rules as Slug Bug – only instead of a car designed for Nazi Germany, you’ve got a vehicle designed for Nazi tree-huggers.

    So, mourn not the death of VW Beatle. Mourn not the fact that you will never have to drive your kids to the hospital because Tommy slugged Tammy a little too hard. Mourn not that a demonically possessed car piloted by Dean Jones will never again get a movie! Hit your sister as hard as you can! You jut saw a Toyota with the number 53 on its silver finish parked in the Whole Foods parking lot! Herbie Rides again!

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  • Oh rotten banana, you are my bane!

    3338581895_beeec14944Yesterday, I went to the store and bought some nice, yellowish green bananas. Just the way I like them – they should be nice and tasty. I usually take a few to work with me and leave them on my desk, but I forgot my damned bananas this morning.

    As if matters couldn’t get any worse, the bananas I brought with me yesterday were sitting on my desk,rotting and brown. I knew they were rotten and this is precisely why I bought bananas last night to begin with! What sane person actually buys bananas when they already have perfectly good bananas? But I digress… The point is the brown bananas were on my desk! I know I threw them out, so this means the bananas were so ripe, they grew legs, walked from the kitchen garbage, unlocked my office door, opened said door, and planted themselves right back on my desk. Oh, the legs are gone too, so they must have shed those. I wonder if I’m going to find them somewhere — maybe that’s how my office door got closed again. No, that would involve hands and we all know that bananas can’t grow hands! That’s crazy talk!

    bad enough that every frigging banana you get in the states is a clone of other bananas. I mean, yes, you can get baby bananas and red bananas, and if you’re lucky enough, you might….just might…find plantains. But my brown bananas that I threw away are taunting me!

    OK, so maybe I just forgot to throw away the bananas last night (although the lack of ants in my office would suggest otherwise). The very fact that bananas can turn brown to begin with is, without a doubt, the worst problem facing us in the 21st century. Genocide? Starvation? Climate change? All nothing when it comes to the banana problem. Where, oh where, is the social justice? Why do my freaking bananas have to be so brown and gross that I cannot eat them on the day I wanted bananas the most?

    I’m a simple man and I like simple things. I like my bananas greenish yellow, I like my TV and movies to have meaning that’s not evidence to the surface viewer, and I like my coffee with four shots, cream, no foam, no whip, sugar free syrup and — what did I saw about liking simple things? OK, I’m a complex man and I like complex things.

    But back to the bananas, because it gets so much worse! We can actually fix the banana-browning problem! GMOs baby! I mean, provided the pseudo-science crowd doesn’t get GMOs banned before they really have the chance to do the proper research. Yes, we could just like splice a yellow jacket gene into the cloned bananas! Or better yet…banana slug genes! That should keep the bananas looking like bananas, right? Now that’s how you science! I’m going to call Monsanto right now!

    WHY ARE YOU MOUSING OVER THIS PICTURE? YOU SHOULD BE READING THE ARTICLE, NOT SEEING WHAT THE ALT TEXT SAYS!
    Oh — sorry, you’re still reading this — I kind of left in a hurry there and left you hanging. To make a long story short, after two weeks of going back and forth with Monsanto, I’ve got a restraining order against me because they didn’t like my idea. Sigh. Maybe we can find another GMO company to do my banana slug hybrid bananas.

    Regardless, I’m over my rotten bananas now. I’ve switched my passion to blackberries. Oh, but weirdness! I fond some blackberries that weren’t black! They were red! WTF? They had a different texture and even a different name! Yeah, they were called Raspberries. I wonder if the blackberry company knows that their copyrights and trademarks are being infringed upon. I’m going to call their legal department and squeal on the usurpers! Better yet! I’m calling my congressman! Raspberries are NOT blackberries! Forget starvation! Forget child labor! Hell, forget about the browning banana issue! This, my friends, is where we as a society should shine to show that there really is social justice in this world!

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  • Coffee Lost numbers: Buffy vs Twilight

    sm_monkeyIf you read the title for this post and said “What a bunch of foolish gibberish!” while throwing your device of choice out the window because you thought that aaronjedwards.com was supposed to actually make sense, well…I’ve got news. Firstly, you’ve got some issues: I mean, when has ANYTHING on aaronjedwards.com ever made sense? Secondly – that title IS gibberish – kind of. The terms “coffee,” “lost numbers,” and “Buffy vs Twilight” are the top three terms of all time that direct google users to aaronjedwards.com. This has inspired me to write a post which does nothing but capitalize on every search term that has ever directed people to this website…..far be it from me to not use an already proven method! So here goes nothing:

    Coffee – social mercy in Buffy Session 8 and Bob Dylan’s drug of choice. The lost number, lost humor, and Einstein Lost explain what happened to Starbucks in 2007. Overlooked movies of 2010, How to make a Dutch Bros Annihilator, and burning books not withstanding, Aaron James Edwards coffee pic made Hulk bubbles. Meanwhile, Spike and Buffy Fanfiction and radiohead decline makes one ask “Is REM Anti Christian?”

    Excuses are bad decisions. What is mean of life? Sparkly vampire T-shirts and coffee cups. Not to mention songs about alternative lifestyles.

    Man sipping coffee, 5 overlooked movies, censorship burning, and кофе фото made pro wrestler’s political beliefs look like Transformers 3: Sunshine Cleaning. I write fanfiction Jinx. Think about this: Einstein – Nazi Germany, Hitler meeting an Alien. Weird Al and stumptown comics.

    Buffy spike, angel, Buffy kils Edward. Buffy stakes Edward. Twilight sucks, Buffy rules, Joss Wheddon knows an Einstein comic. JJ Abrams and Star Trek will stump other bands. Buffy Buffy Buffy, willow Buffy Buffy.

    So, with Dylan’s house of the rising sun, coffee and smoke,” I leave you with this thought: Other bands hate Radiohead.


    My brain officially hurts, but maybe this post shall bring in new readers to aaronjedwards.com. Maybe the new viewers will tell all their friends about the exciting and wonderful posts they read here. Or maybe they’ll see this post as a troll to get hits, and hit their browser’s “back” button. Regardless, to the person searching for Aaron J Edwards in Colorado, I hope you find them.

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  • If you don’t watch these Christmas shows, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!

    iinasnity wolfCHRISTMAS! FREAKING CHRISTMAS! And what good is Christmas without cool Christmas specials? So here’s some you should be watching. If you’re not watching them, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!

    1) A Christmas Story
    – Watch this. Watch it twice. Watch it three times! JUST FREAKING WATCH IT!!! Seriously – what is not to like about this movie? There are maybe five movies I can quote from memory, and this is one of them! You’ll shoot your eye out! So help me God he had yellow eyes!

    2) The Grinch that stole Christmas – No, no, no – not the one staring Jim Carrey – gosh! Are you even listening to me? Seriously! I mean, that one was ok – but by Golly Gee Whiz! WATCH THE ANIMATED VERSION THAT ACTUALLY QUOTES DR. SEUSS! Why? Because reasons! That’s why!!!

    3) Christmas Vacation – Of course this one would be on the list! I mean, seriously! I don’t have to explain why! YOU SHOULD KNOW WHY!!! Just watch it! And if you haven’t seen it, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!

    4) A Charlie Brown Christmas – Yes, of course this one is on the list. When I was a kid, I had a book and a record of it and every-time they rang a bell on the record you were supposed to turn the page. It never was a bad little tree!

    charlie_Linus5) Elf – THIS IS THE ONLY WILL FERREL MOVIE THAT MATTERS! Ok, maybe the Anchorman. And I may have enjoyed A Night at the Roxburry. And oh yeah, he’s got a lot of cool parts in other movies where he’s not the star, but other than that! WATCH ELF BECAUSE IT’S THE ONLY WILL FERREL MOVIE THAT MATTERS!!! SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES!!!

    6) Scooged – BILL MURRAY DID A CHRISTMAS MOVIE! That should be all you need to know! Because freaking Bill Murray is the bomb! In fact! I’m gonna watch it tonight!!! Bill Murray is a national hero!

    7) 8 Crazy Nights – Wait – what is this doing here, it’s not a Christmas movie! YES IT IS! JUST BECAUSE IT ALSO MENTIONS HANUKKAH!!!! Besides! Poopcicle! That’s a technical foul! NOW GIVE ME ALL YOUR PATCHES!!!

    8) Mr Hankey’s Christmas Special – THE CAST OF SOUTHPARK SING CHRISTMAS SONGS! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?!?!

    Simpsons_Roasting9 A Muppet Christmas Carrol – HEY HEY, LIGHT THE LAMP, NOT THE RAT!!! I for one am sick of sticking to the Dickens version – I want puppets! Heck, they need to do a version of Oliver Twist with the muppets. And why stop there! Muppet Moby Dick! Muppet Atlas Shrugged! Muppet Scarlett Letter!

    10) Rudolph – BECAUSE RUDOLPH!!!

    11) Frosty – BECAUSE FROSTY!!!

    12) All the Doctor Who Christmas Specials
    – Seriously are you not paying attention! Doctor Who! BECAUSE FREAKING DOCTOR WHO!!!

    13) The Simpsons Christmas Special – This is THE FIRST episode of the Simpsons! Before this, the Simpsons were just a sketch on the Tracey Ullman show! Without this we wouldn’t have 25 hilarious years of the best family on TV!!!

    christmas-with-sctv-20051109041147414-00014) KISS saves Christmas – Why they stopped airing this every year, I’ll never know! But you should still watch it! Even if you can only find it in that episode of Family Guy, you should still watch it!!!

    15) It’s a wonderful life
    – Merry Christmas Movie House! I….wait! I don’t like this movie! I get bored by this movie! It’s only a classic because it fell into public domain! Why would you watch this c….Ladies and gentleman, due to being off his meds, Aaron J Edwards has been dismissed from the staff of aaronjedwards.com. Aaronjedwards.com would like to apologize for the ranting of Aaron J Edwards, and hopes that this article does not discourage you from further enjoying the diverse articles found on aaronjedwards.com. Furthermore, Aaronjedwards.com would like to acknowledge that all these Holiday specials are indeed special (including It’s a wonderful life), everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Please note – if you are not watching these, you are not doing anything wrong (although you just might be a scrooge).

    Happy holidays everyone!

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  • 6 unfortunately named CCM bands of the 80s and 90s

    Music snobbery and nostalgia just doesn’t mix well. I’ll find myself listening to the most horrid songs (Usually CCM) just because I liked said song in 1991. Still, my always analytical brain is pointing and laughing at the forced rhythms, the cookie cutter harmonies, the forced lyrics, and even the names of the bands. I realize once a band chooses a name, they usually stuck with it for the duration. A band name is usually just as permanent as a tattoo. Even more reason to be very careful when you name your band. Like I said – I listened to a bunch of Christian music in the 80s and 90s, and some of their names are either unfortunate, embarrassing, or a combination of the two. So….let’s look at a few!

    bloodgood_pic1) BloodGood – Let me get this out in the open – I still listen to BloodGood, and not only when I just want a bit of a cheesy 90s Christian Metal. BloodGood actually does rock, even by today’s standards. Having said that, BloodGood sounds more like a really bad Bond villain than a band name. To be fair, the band was named for group founder Michael BloodGood. Still, whenever I hear the name, I think of a conference room full of super villains. Dr Evil is at the podium, looking over at a table of his esteemed colleagues. He asks: “and what do you think we should do, Mr BloodGood?” Mr BloodGood responds by chanting manically: “KILL! KILL! KILL! BLOOD GOOD! BLOOD GOOD! “ This fictitious villain isn’t even an A list villain – more like a trained evil monkey. He’s not Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, he’s Bane from Batman Forever!

    Maybe I’m being a little harsh – as not everyone has the active imagination that I have, but I have to wonder if Micheal Bloodgood even thought about the fact that his last name, while perhaps relevant to Christendom (Blood [of Jesus] Good), might just make him sound like a joke to the non-Christian audience I know he so desired.

    dboy2) Dboy – I never listened to Dboy, mainly because I just couldn’t get over the name. D-Boy. I heard my internal Saturday Night Live commentary saying “da Bulls. Da Bears. Da Boy.” There’s also the question of “What does D stand for” Dial-up? Donut hole? Dumbledore? Turns out it stood for Danny (his first name) – so he basically picked an Irish Funeral dirge for a moniker. Eh, I guess it fits for him – he was a Hip Hop artist who wanted to reach inner city youth. Oh, but I haven’t gotten to the unfortunate part – the poor guy was murdered – shot to death. According to his mother: “They say it was everything from mistaken identity to a robbery attempt, but nobody really knows.”

    I have no idea if his moniker was an intentional play on words – if he really meant to reference the song “Danny Boy,” but regardless, the song caught up with Dboy. He was shot down way before his time. I don’t know anything more unfortunate than that.

    dcTalk3. DC Talk – The name “DC Talk” sounds like a political talk show, and not (as they put it) “two honks and a negro.” (Their phrase – not mine). Seriously, the name DC Talk brings the image of five grumpy, old men in suits on a Sunday morning talk show. They’re arguing about the deficit or foreign policy or something – I don’t know, I just changed the channel to Spongebob Squarepants because I was so bored.

    Ok, ok, maybe you’re saying they picked that name because they’re from DC – well, you’re WRONG! Ok, you’re not wrong about their origin, but the DC actually stands for “Decent Christian.” Seriously, that is the lamest name ever. Decent Christian Talk. I’ve often times said that “Toby Mac” as he calls himself is the Vanilla Ice of the Christian world – and I got to say, this name just doesn’t help matters there…

    stryken - first strike4) Stryken – Wait, is that a typo? You meant Stryper, right? Nope! Stryken (originally named Stryker) was a totally different band. Ok, there’s much debate that Stryken was a clone of Stryper, but this article is about unfortunate band names. At the end of the day it could logically be said that Stryken gets their original name from members Dale and Steve Strieker and spelled their name a phonetically. Going on this story, and ignoring the fact that they copied everything else Stryper did, my gosh –that really is unfortunate! I can imagine them sitting in their garage: Hey Dale, let’s form a band. Ok Steve. What should we call it? Well, we have a cool last name. Yeah, let’s just change the spelling a little. Oops! Stryper’s gonna sue us! Yeah, let’s just pretend that’s what happened. I do have to say, I did enjoy the Song “Rock on,” a lot more than “To Hell with the Devil.” Maybe Stryper copied Stryken! I should point out the latter started three years before the former. Maybe the unfortunate part is that Stryken was less popular than Stryper.

    whitecross_logo_BIG5) WhiteCross – My senior year of high school I was walking to the library with a friend. We both had our headphones on, and she asked what I was listening to. I said WhiteCross. This girl did not know anything about Christian music, and was politically opposite to my conservative Christian worldview of the time. So naturally her response was “WhiteCross?” That sounds like they’re a bunch of white supremacists! She painted a picture of burning crosses and men in hoods. Ever since that day, I’ve not thought about the band the same way again. To be fair – there’s no indications that they’re racist. A lot of their songs were about inclusion of all people, and their song “Holy War” even featured an African American Christian Rapper. There is every reason to believe they chose WhiteCross because of the religious symbolism of the words “White” and “Cross,” and I have found no evidence that they’re racist. But that’s what makes their name unfortunate! The very fact that my friend went strait to the race card by just the suggestion of the band name makes me wonder if maybe, just maybe, they hadn’t thought things through. Or maybe I’m judging this band’s name by anecdotal evidence.

    PID6) PID – Yes – there was a band called PID. Supposedly, PID stood for “Preachers in Disguise,” but I’ve got to wonder how much friggin research they did before naming their band. What, was there already a band named AIDS or Herpes or the Clap? What’s worst is they never really came out and said “it stands for Preachers in Disguise, not Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.” They liked to rap about Bible Stories and Christian morals, so maybe they wanted to discourage any groupies from making advances. Maybe they wanted to avoid lustful temptation and thought naming themselves after an STD would keep the girls away.

    PID did finally change their name to “Preachas,” at about the time the Presidents of The United States were singing “I’m moving to the country, gonna eat me a lot of peaches,” but that’s probably just a coincidence – then again, maybe they’re diabolical geniuses naming themselves after STDs and catchy novelty songs! Maybe that’s why they’re in disguise! Seriously though, this is the most unfortunate name of any band I’ve ever known.
    And what about the people in their lives – did they not come up to them and say “uhhhh – your proposed name is the name of an STD,”? And if someone did say that, were they so arrogant as to say “no one is going to go there!” Or was it naivity? Regardless – worst. Name. ever.

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  • If Windows 8 was a Star Trek Movie

    win8hellI’m typing this on my brand new Laptop. Said Laptop came with the dreaded software bug, otherwise known as Windows 8. I HATE Windows 8. It’s clunky, it’s interface is designed for a touch screen (vs. designed for a full on computer), and it’s extremely unintuitive (I had to make a short cut to the control panel because it’s so buried), and it’s changed so many standards that we’ve come so familiar with (coughs – start menu!). A friend of mine said if Windows 8 were a movie, it would be Star Trek V: the – oh I can’t even remember the name of that crappy movie. Just that it was crap. Crap on a stick with butter and toast – but I digress…

    For arguments sake, We’re going to lump all pre 95 versions into one version. They, just like Star Trek: The Motion Picture, have never been fan favorites. They had their merits, and to be fair, there wasn’t much to compare them to. Still, they were clunky and hard to operate. They probably would have been duds if there were any other options out there. But Trekies and computer users alike were forced to go with what they had, or not at all. Ok, computer users could have gone with a Mac, true, but that’s besides the point. In all honesty though, I look back at Star Trek: The Motion Picture with the same fondness I have for Pre 95 versions of Windows. It’s clunky, it’s stupid – but it’s also so nostalgic and despite the plot and memory holes, it feels like a simpler, more innocent time.

    And then came Windows 95 – like a Genesis missile launching to a planet, giving new life to everything. I know this is going to make some people really upset, but if there was one single piece of software that changed the world, it was probably Windows 95. It became the standard pretty early on, and the OS that really made home computing a friendly experience. It even brought the internet to the forefront of technology. And a bonus feature – every time you got the BSOD, an “illegal error,” or whatever, you almost wanted to yell KAAAAAAHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or maybe GAAAAAAATTTEEEEESSSSSS. So yeah, if you hadn’t guessed by now, Windows 95 is the Wrath of Kahn. It showed us what a computer could do, just like Star Trek II showed us what a Trek movie could achieve. Hmmm, does this mean JJ Abrams is going to reboot Windows 95? Suddenly I’m remembering how I had to reboot every single time I changed something. GAAAAAAATTTEEEEESSSSSS!!!

    A few years later came Windows 98. To be fair, it wasn’t a bad OS. It fixed a few things in Windows 95. It tried to be it’s own OS as well. Having said that – it really wasn’t much more than a splash in a pan. There was no real innovation – just evolutions on the existing OS. It wasn’t really a dud, it just – was. I would almost see it as a filler OS, just like, The Search for Spok (only not quite as slow -www.instantrimshot.com).
    Windows 2000, while never meant to be a “home edition” really shook things up for the Windows user. In a good way. To be honest, while I can’t name one physical thing that Windows 2000 did, I can say that when I upgraded to Windows 2000, my BSOD rate plummeted dramatically. I think most people would easily say their computers ran a lot better with Windows 2000. Oh, but what Star Trek Movie does this equate to? Well, we could go with Generations I guess. It was a bridge. A bridge between stability and lack thereof. I’m bored with this paragraph – moving on…

    Enter Windows ME. The last two paragraphs might have been dry – boring in fact. Well, I had to save all the humor I could for this paragraph. Windows ME SUCKED. And not just in a metaphorical way. Windows ME sucked the life out of everyone that used it. Seriously, I think a better name would be Windows Vampire. But it didn’t just suck the life force from everyone who came within a mile of a computer running said OS, it also sucked the resources of the computer itself. BSOD jumped up 5000% from previous versions of Windows [citation needed]. It required as much RAM as you could give it – and then forced you to close down every program you weren’t using immediately – because evidently Windows ME didn’t believe in Multi-tasking. Oh, but what about the Star Trek movie? I’ve already used Star Trek V: Shatner’s revenge. That’s ok, Insurrection fits the bill quite nicely. Windows ME sucked the life-force of out of computers and their users, Insurrection was about aliens trying to get their life force back by sucking the life force out of the audience. I can’t believe I saw that movie twice on opening day! Just call me a sucker.

    And then came XP……Would I compare XP to any Star Trek movie per se? Maybe Star Trek VI. Honestly, this is where the argument goes into that of apples and oranges as the comparison of the two are less than intuitive. Yes, the two can be compared on the basis that they’re both among my favorites of the Star Trek Series and the Windows series, but really that’s where the analogy comes to a screeching halt, much like Captains Kirk and Sulu halted General Chang’s plans to…..wait, I said the analogy halted. The point is Windows XP was a great OS. I ran XP on four different machines – more than any other windows OS to date. And to really stretch the analogy, I probably watched Star Trek VI more than any other Star Trek Movie. How can I resist Captain Kirk kicking that alien in the knee nards?microsoft-store-300x220

    My comparisons of Windows versions have almost been sequentially parallel to the Star Trek Movie I’ve compared them to. This was an intentional thing, and even a throwback to an earlier version of this article. Having said that, it’s a really good thing I rethought this – because Windows Vista does not, in any way shape or form, equate to Generations. Yes, some people didn’t like Generations – but I did. I did not, however, like Vista. I did not like it so much, that when it came to buy a new laptop circa 2007, I intentionally got a laptop with XP. At the time of Vista’s release, I read articles where businesses were actually going to switch to using LINUX because of Vista. That never really transpired mind you, but the fact that these unnamed businesses were even considering this move speaks volumes. The main problem with Vista is that Microsoft focused on Security and forgot about usability. I think Sheldon Cooper said it best – My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that. It just made a bad OS altogether. So….if Vista is not Generations, then what is it? I’ve used up all the bad Star Trek movies thus far except for one – Nemesis. Vista had so much potential, as did Nemesis, but neither lived up to their respected potential. In fact, I would argue that both of them lowered the bar so much that the next version of Windows, the next Star Trek movie, HAD to be good because they were NOT the last crap fest Microsoft / Star Trek threw at us like so many zoo caged monkeys! bill-gates-borg-150x150

    So, does that make Windows 7 Star Trek (2009)? That would make Windows 7 the equivalent to the very best Star Trek movie ever, First freaking Contact! The borg had invade with their inferior version of Windows – but did Picard and the crew of the Enterprise give up? Hell no! They freaking came back and took back the Enterprise, just like Windows 7 took Windows 7 and made it back into a decent operating system. I’ve had two computers that used 7, and I confess – I’m in love with it. I wish this computer had Windows 7. I wonder if I can downgrade…..

    Reboots in movies are tricky. When things change, people get confused and are often times left in the dark. But if they’re done properly, they can add value to an established lore. The same can be said about total redesigns of computer software. Windows 8, if had been done properly, could have been Star Trek (2009). Instead, we get Star Trek V. As I’m typing this – I’m downloading Windows 8.1, and hoping to God it’s better than Windows 8. But I’m not holding my breath – too many flaws in 8 for it to be fixed. I know Microsoft want to give us “one experience for all devices,” but the way I operate a laptop is NOT the way I operate a tablet or a phone. And until Microsoft drags Steve Ballmer to the guillotine realizes this, they’re going to give us crap.

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  • Coffee common sense…

    It happened again yesterday….I wandered into the kitchen at work for a caffeine fix. I poured a cup of coffee, tasted it, and almost spewed a mouthful of hot liquid all over the floor! Now, no offense to my coworkers, they’re generally brilliant people who do their jobs well, but they would make the worst baristas ever. Seriously, it’s not all that difficult to make decent coffee, but there are some basic rules they really need to learn and follow.

    So what are these rules? Well, I’m sure if you’re reading this, I’m probably preaching to the choir, but I’ll tell you anyways. Number one. CLEAN YOUR FREAKING EQUIPMENT AND CLEAN IT THOROUGHLY!!! The coffee at work is usually made with a coffee press. Said press is washed several times a week with soap and water, but it never gets clean. Why? Well, it’s because the press is never taken apart. The whole thing is dipped in the soap, rinsed, and called good. WTF! And even IF they did clean the press properly, they haven’t actually replaced the filter in the year and a half I’ve been working there. Those filters don’t last forever!

    Ahhh but clean equipment is only one part of the equation. It is only the first stone in a long trail of stones leading you across a sea of burning hot lava  that will surely kill you if you fall in. Wait, where wast I? How did I get on that tangent? Oh yeah, number two: the beans. Ok, dear beloved co-workers if you are reading this, please know that you do usually buy decent beans. They are almost always fair trade, and they are almost always roasted to match their natural flavors. Kudos in that department. But…….THEY ARE ALMOST ALWAYS GROUND FOR AN AUTOMATIC DRIP! Not cool, not cool at all! So what’s the big deal? It has to do with the amount of contact the beans have with the water. In an auto drip, the beans need to be ground finely because the water drips from above and travels through the beans. Gravity is pulling the water away from the beans, so the beans don’t have a lot of contact with the water. It is why espresso is ground so finely too – the water is forced rapidly through the grounds, thus making the contact with the beans minimal. But, with a coffee press, you have the water and the beans mingling in a stew for FOUR, count them FOUR, MINUTES! More exposure to the water means more bitterness! Oh, it also means more caffeine – so if you’re trying to cut back on the caffeine, that’s an added bonus to having the right grind.

    Number three is closely related to number two, because it ALSO has to do with the beans. I’m half tempted to show pictures of what I found in the cupboard. Five, yes five, bags of coffee dating back to the end of last year! Last year! That’s six months people! In a cupboard! Exposed to air and everything! Ewww! Just ewww! They don’t put expiration dates on coffee, because technically the stuff could last almost forever, but maybe they should, because while coffee  won’t spoil, it will loose it’s flavor! Think about it this way: you leave a half empty bottle of soda on the counter for six months. What’s it going to taste like? If you leave an open bag of chips out for six months, they are going to go stale. Technically, the chips or the soda are going to cause you to get sick, but they are not going to taste good at all! The same thing goes with coffee. If you leave it out, exposed to air, it is going to loose it’s flavor! At the very least, keep it in the freezer. The freezer isn’t perfect, but it will keep the coffee from going totally stale.

    Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, don’t just let the grounds sit in the water. Plunge the pot after FOUR minutes! This goes right back to the grinds people. The more exposure the grounds have to the water, the more bitterness is going to seep out of said beans! So leaving the grounds in the water for an hour? EWWWWWWWWW! I know people who drink folgers who wouldn’t even drink that swill!  The recommended time for brewing in a coffee press is FOUR minutes. This is a time frame that has been tested for hundreds of years!

    If any of my coworkers find this, especially those that happen to be those that make coffee, please don’t take these comments personally. See it as constructive criticism. You’re all brilliant people who I respect very much, but you just don’t know how to make coffee! Heck, if you want, I’ll teach you how to make coffee. We’ll have an office wide seminar on the subject! Ok, ok, maybe that’s taking things a little too far. And maybe I need to mellow out a bit. Maybe I need to just go quietly back to my office with my mini one cup press and perfectly brewed coffee. Or maybe I should cut back on the caffeine altogether. But regardless of my need to chill out, coffee is something that should be enjoyed. So please don’t take this article to be mean spirited and/or back stabbing. Think of this article as a way to help you enjoy life more.

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