So what are these rules? Well, I’m sure if you’re reading this, I’m probably preaching to the choir, but I’ll tell you anyways. Number one. CLEAN YOUR FREAKING EQUIPMENT AND CLEAN IT THOROUGHLY!!! The coffee at work is usually made with a coffee press. Said press is washed several times a week with soap and water, but it never gets clean. Why? Well, it’s because the press is never taken apart. The whole thing is dipped in the soap, rinsed, and called good. WTF! And even IF they did clean the press properly, they haven’t actually replaced the filter in the year and a half I’ve been working there. Those filters don’t last forever!

Ahhh but clean equipment is only one part of the equation. It is only the first stone in a long trail of stones leading you across a sea of burning hot lava  that will surely kill you if you fall in. Wait, where wast I? How did I get on that tangent? Oh yeah, number two: the beans. Ok, dear beloved co-workers if you are reading this, please know that you do usually buy decent beans. They are almost always fair trade, and they are almost always roasted to match their natural flavors. Kudos in that department. But…….THEY ARE ALMOST ALWAYS GROUND FOR AN AUTOMATIC DRIP! Not cool, not cool at all! So what’s the big deal? It has to do with the amount of contact the beans have with the water. In an auto drip, the beans need to be ground finely because the water drips from above and travels through the beans. Gravity is pulling the water away from the beans, so the beans don’t have a lot of contact with the water. It is why espresso is ground so finely too – the water is forced rapidly through the grounds, thus making the contact with the beans minimal. But, with a coffee press, you have the water and the beans mingling in a stew for FOUR, count them FOUR, MINUTES! More exposure to the water means more bitterness! Oh, it also means more caffeine – so if you’re trying to cut back on the caffeine, that’s an added bonus to having the right grind.

Number three is closely related to number two, because it ALSO has to do with the beans. I’m half tempted to show pictures of what I found in the cupboard. Five, yes five, bags of coffee dating back to the end of last year! Last year! That’s six months people! In a cupboard! Exposed to air and everything! Ewww! Just ewww! They don’t put expiration dates on coffee, because technically the stuff could last almost forever, but maybe they should, because while coffee  won’t spoil, it will loose it’s flavor! Think about it this way: you leave a half empty bottle of soda on the counter for six months. What’s it going to taste like? If you leave an open bag of chips out for six months, they are going to go stale. Technically, the chips or the soda are going to cause you to get sick, but they are not going to taste good at all! The same thing goes with coffee. If you leave it out, exposed to air, it is going to loose it’s flavor! At the very least, keep it in the freezer. The freezer isn’t perfect, but it will keep the coffee from going totally stale.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, don’t just let the grounds sit in the water. Plunge the pot after FOUR minutes! This goes right back to the grinds people. The more exposure the grounds have to the water, the more bitterness is going to seep out of said beans! So leaving the grounds in the water for an hour? EWWWWWWWWW! I know people who drink folgers who wouldn’t even drink that swill!  The recommended time for brewing in a coffee press is FOUR minutes. This is a time frame that has been tested for hundreds of years!

If any of my coworkers find this, especially those that happen to be those that make coffee, please don’t take these comments personally. See it as constructive criticism. You’re all brilliant people who I respect very much, but you just don’t know how to make coffee! Heck, if you want, I’ll teach you how to make coffee. We’ll have an office wide seminar on the subject! Ok, ok, maybe that’s taking things a little too far. And maybe I need to mellow out a bit. Maybe I need to just go quietly back to my office with my mini one cup press and perfectly brewed coffee. Or maybe I should cut back on the caffeine altogether. But regardless of my need to chill out, coffee is something that should be enjoyed. So please don’t take this article to be mean spirited and/or back stabbing. Think of this article as a way to help you enjoy life more.

Oh, but who would they fight? That’s easy. We could take some young wrestlers trying to make a name for themselves and dress them up as issues the aforementioned three favorite pet peeve issues. Imagine Rush Limbaugh going against health care – literally. Imagine Anne Coulter going against gun control in a no holds bare, three round match. Glen Beck would not have to verbally slam churches that preach social justice, he could just body slam churches that preach social justice!

Oh, but this isn’t fair! Why does it only have to be the conservatives? Where are the liberals? As far as I’m concerned, they can join the party too. I have no problem with Randi Rhodes stepping into the ring; she’s tough enough. Perhaps Michael Moore or even Janeane Garofalo wouldn’t mind throwing a few punches at corporate America.  Oh, and it gets better; the conservatives could even go head to head with the liberals! I don’t know one liberal who would not want to throw a few punches at Rush, though better not throw any pies at Coulter.

And, the action does not have to stop at political commentators. Imagine inviting politicians into the ring. I could just see it…a fight between Al Gore and George W Bush! Heck, if we had this system in place, we could have had the whole hanging chad thing settled outside of the courts! Winner takes the presidency! Ok, ok, maybe that’s a little too far – political office should be won by voting, not violence, but you all get my drift.

The older I get, the more politics sickens me. I really don’t mind it when people speak their mind. Heck, I’m famous for speaking my own mind. There is, however, a line to be aware of when speaking one’s mind. Some people just don’t care about the other side. If one side says chicken is delicious, the other side will say chicken tastes like crap. If side A says the sky is blue, side B will say the sky is orange. Moreover, both sides always have “proof;” both sides always have to be right. It is almost as if some of them are (cough) making it up as they go along (cough). It is almost like these full-grown adults are behaving like children on the playground! Furthermore, some of these people are so ingrained in what they believe that they’ve forgotten that beliefs can change. I would love to put a tap on Rush Limbaugh’s brain and see what his real thoughts are. It would be hysterical if Rush is a closet socialist. What if Michael Moore really does not care about the welfare of downsized workers? I would be surprised if either was true mind you, but one never knows! I don’t really advocate violence – wrestling especially, but the theatrics of wrestling and the theatrics of political commentary hold so many similarities! The biggest difference between wrestling and political commentary is that wrestlers don’t actually pretend to be intelligent.

Let’s start with Mr Rogers. Yes, yes I said Mr freaking Rogers of the kids TV show. No, its not his arsenal of nuclear sweaters that will make the Hulk run home to his mommy. Mr Rogers can possibly beat the Hulk because of one main consideration: Mr Rogers defeated everyone in Lemon Demon’s “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.” But wait, the Hulk wasn’t in that! No, true, the Hulk was not in that specific song, but Doc Octopus from the Marvel Universe was, therefore it is indeed possible that the entire Marvel Universe was involved. Still, its possible the entire Marvel Universe was not involved. If that’s the case, well sorry Mr Rogers, but I don’t think you’re going to be able to wear a sweater again.

Our next candidate is Black Canary from the DC Universe. For clarification sake, I am talking about Dinah Laurel Lance, not Dinah Drake. The reason that it is possible for Black Canary to best the Hulk is because of her Sonic Cry. Said cry can pretty much knock anyone down, and she has the Martial Arts skills to beat the Hulk up while he’s down. Still, there’s no guarantee that her cry could indeed knock the Hulk down, so if she were to try, well, the Hulk might just have roasted Canary for dinner.

A third, and probably most likely candidate to best the Hulk is Superman. Ah yes, the man of steel. Nothing short of Kryptonite itself can keep Superman down. In fact, Superman DID beat the Hulk. Yes, in DC vs Marvel, Superman beat the Hulk! Still, there is the fact that the Hulk had no real motivation for beating Superman. The Hulk was not mad at Superman. The Hulk was matched against Superman by the two squabbling brothers. If Superman had, say, launched the Hulk into outer space, THEN the battle of Superman vs The Hulk might just have gone another way! Yes, if that were the situation, the best that Superman could hope to achieve is a stalemate. All of Earth destroyed, while the two indestructibles battle it out with each other. And that would be too much for Superman’s conscious, so Superman, in order to save the rest of the Earth, would indeed concede to the Hulk.

So how about someone from the Marvel Universe itself? There’s the Scarlett Witch, who has the ability to change reality. Certainly someone who almost wipes out the entire Mutant race because of a nervous breakdown could take down one measly, over-radiated man. Or what about Domino? She’s got the mutant power to manipulate chance into her favor. She could probably (see?) manipulate the situation to her favor and defeat the Hulk. Ok, let’s stop right there. Both these characters are in the Marvel Universe along with the Hulk. If there was indeed a chance that either character were to beat the Hulk, I think they would have already done it! Instead, they both sit around, powerless, when the Hulk goes on a murderous rampage and threatens to destroy the Earth. Instead, the only way the Hulk can be defeated is for Tony Stark to calmly tell the Hulk the truth while trying not to wet himself as the Hulk ponders whether or not to rip Tony’s head off.

Ok, so who can beat the Hulk then? Anyone? Well, yes. The winner is: THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!!! Specifically Bubbles. Yes, of all the superheroes in all the universe, she is our only hope. Why? The Hulk is powered by his anger. His strength grows as his rage grows. What’s going to make the Hulk mad? Well, someone trying to pound the snot out of him for one thing. But that’s not the direction Bubbles would take. Bubbles would give the Hulk flowers and sing pretty songs to him. Maybe make a cup of hot tea and set him down and give him a hug. Yes, the Hulk could not stand against Bubbles, because by the time Bubbles was through with the Hulk, he would be Bruce Banner once more. And she’s tough too, so she could take being tossed across the room a few times while she’s trying to calm him down.

So lesson learned! If there’s a rift in the time-space contium and the Hulk pops out of universe 616, all we have to do is figure out what universe The Powerpuff Girls live in, and volia! Bubbles to the rescue! Of course, what if we can’t find Bubbles in time? My best advice is hide in a cave in the middle of nowhere. Cause the Hulk is mad, and he’s going to mess us all up!