• Category Archives General geekiness
  • Should I watch this Shark movie?

    Shark movies - bringing the terror of the deep sea to your living room!If you know me, you know I love sharks. One of my favorite things about summer – almost every year there seems to be at least one good shark movie. This year’s movie, Meg, looks particularly exciting. Every scientific fact I know says the premise could never be. Still – I kind of hope we find that Megalodon exists somewhere. I know that we don’t really want it circling our beaches. Even though sharks don’t actually like eating humans, they sometimes get confused. No if  Megalodon exists – probably best that it exists in a deep cove in the middle of the ocean. But I digress. The point of this article – there are a lot of shark movies! Some of them are good, some of them are – not so good. So, as a community service, I shall give my opinion of several shark movies. That way you will know which movies are worth watching, and which movies you should just skip over.

     

    Jaws

    We all know Jaws – it may have been the very first blockbuster. It gave Steven Spielberg a blank check to pretty much do whatever he wants, and that alone makes me think that Jaws might be the king of the shark movies. I watched Jaws a few years back, thinking this movie will have aged. However – while Jaws certainly does not have the best special effects, the writing is still solid. Besides, who could forget the line…we’re going to need a bigger boat?

    TL:DR Watch Jaws!

     

    Deep Blue Sea


    I have no idea if I watched Deep Blue Sea when it came out. Looking at the era, it certainly is possible. I saw a lot of movies in the late 90s. Still – I might have said…that looks too scary. Yeah – I was kind of a chicken when it came to even remotely scary movies. But I digress. I watched Deep Blue Sea last week, and I enjoyed the movie. However, I would not watch it again as honestly – it really wasn’t that great of a movie. Still – Deep Blue Sea has its good points. Deep Blue Sea certainly keeps you guessing who will live and who will die. This is essential to any shark movie. The writing was a bit wooden – but oh well – giant mutant sharks trap the humans underwater. Why not?

    TL:DR Watch Deep Blue Sea – but don’t expect a serious film.

     

    Sharknado

    I used to love the Asylum – then they made Sharknado. Somehow, Sharknado got a ton of buzz and everyone was like….yeah, I want to watch it. Then they made – what – twenty sequels? Each and every sequel was even more ridiculous. I don’t mind if a movie is intentionally bad, but I feel like the Asylum ran with the popularity of Sharknado to see how bad they could get. As far as the movie itself – it really is not that great of a movie – even for a bad, B movie. I kind of felt let down after watching Sharknado. The concept itself is great! But the execution just failed miserably.

    TL:DR Don’t watch Sharknado

     

    Shark Night

    A bunch of college students go to a cabin and meet a bunch of sharks. Like – ALL the sharks. There were hammerheads and bull sharks and tiger sharks and pretty much every non-extinct shark you could name. Shark Night serves a smorgasborge for all your man-eating shark movie needs! Shark Night certinaly did not take itself too seriously mind you. The tone was almost comedic, and no one expected any accolades. Shark Night was just a lot of dumb, mindless fun.

    TL:DR Watch Shark Night! Shark Night is fun!

     

    47 Meters Down

    My girlfriend loves Mandy Moore and I love shark movies – so of course we had to see 47 Meters Down. I even have a photo of myself getting “eaten” by a giant, cardboard shark advertising the movie. Did I love this movie? Meh – it was ok. I feel like 47 Meters Down felt like it tried to be too serious. The movie tried to show what a lack of oxygen in shark infested waters might do to a person. To be fair – 47 Meters Down serves a great suspense thriller – but just because the movie takes place mostly underwater, that does not mean the movie must be “deep.”

    TL:DR Meh – watch 47 Meters Down anyways.

     

    The Shallows


    Swoooon. I love this movie. I love The Shallows sooooo much that I will probably watch this movie again after I finish writing about this movie. The Shallows really shows the audience that drama and shark movies can co-habitate. The movie focuses on a surfer trapped 200 meters offshore with an angry, vicious great white pining to end her life. The surfer’s injuries bleed into the water, only feeding the shark’s rage even more. Wow. Just wow. This film might be the best Shark movie ever.

    TL:DR Watch The Shallows! Watch it twice!

     

    2-Headed Shark Attack

    A year before Sharknado, the Asylum released probably their best shark movie. A group of teens encounters an unnatural predator in a hungry, viscous, 2-Headed shark. The teens escape to a deserted atoll, only to find their island of safety is sinking and the 2-headed shark followed them. The acting is bad, the props are ridiculous, and the plot really stinks. Still 2-Headed Shark Attack shows the best of the Asylum. 2-Headed Shark shows a bad movie with a small budget that just does not take itself too seriously.

    TL:DR Watch 2-Headed shark if you like cheesy B movies. Stay clear of the two sequels though.

     

    Finding Nemo

    Wait a minute – Finding Nemo isn’t a shark movie. Finding Nemo is about a clown fish and Blue Tang fish trying to find Nemo. But wait….do you not remember some of their buddies? The Sharks sworn to the oath – fish are friends, not food? OK, ok, so Finding Nemo as a shark movie might be – nay – is a huge stretch, however, I feel as though Finding Nemo serves as a decent palette cleanser. You just witnessed a bunch of carnage at the hand, err, Jaws, of some of nature’s most vicious killing machines. You need this! Besides – sharks really are friends. Most sharks attack humans not out of hunger or even malice (bull sharks being an exception). Most sharks attack humans out of – well – accident. They think you’re food, yes, but they don’t think you’re human. They actually don’t like the way we taste.

    TL:DR Watch Finding Nemo as a palette cleanser.

     


    So many other shark movies.

    There are other shark movies I skipped over: Ghost Shark, the Reef, Jersey Shore Sharks, Open Water et cetera. Omission by no means says anything negative or positive about these movies. I just have not seen every shark movie. I mean, I am only one man with a finite amount of time. Maybe by next summer I’ll review a few more. I will say that if a shark movie is a sequel, a good rule of thumb: skip it. There are a few exceptions mind you – but Open Water 2, Sharknado 2, Deep Ocean 2, Deep Blue Sea 2, and the like – meh. You’ve got better use of your time.


  • Even if I’m wrong, I’m right and that’s why I write….

    IS this right or wrong? Whatever, this article won't be as awesome as this. But it will be more confusing!

    Wrong or right, I have no idea what to write, I just know I need to write. The reason I need to write is because I want to be a success. I want more hits to my blog, and I read something somewhere saying if I post more often, I’ll get more hits. I also need to make sure that if I write the right stuff, I’m not wrong. Does that sentence make any sense to you? Well, it shouldn’t – but it makes my readability score turn green and that means more hits from Google and Bing and Yahoo. I’m supposed to repeat certain words several times, like write, right, wrong, and other things. This will make my score right and right is not wrong. And even if I’m wrong, I’m right.

    You might notice that this entry has no content….that’s ok because content is secondary to visibility. You need to market yourself even if you have nothing worth saying….especially if you have nothing worth saying. Just say something…anything….Say how much you love cheese but don’t give a reason why. Say how much you hate dinasours, but make sure you can’t spell the world dinasour. And for heaven’s sake, make sure no one edits your mispelled words! It’s not about the art, it’s not about your creative flow….it’s about marketing…it’s about SEO and making yourself monitizable. Is that a word? Doesn’t matter – I just made it a word. Why? Because even if I’m wrong, I’m right.

    Actually, forget everything I just said…I wrote. People don’t google unique things! People Google the same words over….like weather or gmail or porn or google or flowers or pill indicator. Yes, pill indicator is on the list of most googled terms – sitting at number 26. So, there’s a ton of people staring at random pills and saying “hmm, I  wonder what this does!” Scary thought!

    My readability just dropped to ok, instead of excellent.  I better use short words now. I am short, I am not long. Oh, I  speak in small words. Also, I speak in short sentences. Plus, I am right even if I am wrong. Hmm, that doesn’t seem to be working….it’s dropped to “needs improvement.” I wonder why….I said I was right. I said I was right even if I am wrong! Writing for computers is hard.

    Ok, I did a little edit and got my score back into good territory. Apparantly, I started too many sentences with the same word. That’s….actually a helpful tool. I mean, in this case, it was a matter of stylistic choice, but in general that’s a useful thing. There’s one thing I do need to improve upon here though – I don’t have any subheadings.

    Here’s your damned subheading

    Happy? Good. Ugg, can I rant now? Seriously….the very fact that they want us to use subheadings is because people refuse to read! They just want the basic point – without the prose or the explanations or the….ugg. You get the point. Why do we even have writers if no one is going to read anything? Maybe we should just start making short lists. But I digress. Oh, it’s also saying I haven’t used a “focus” keyword in a heading….sooo

    Here’s your damned wrong subheading

    There….. I also need to add some links to external pages. so. www.google.com. Does that work? Oh, wait….internal links. Random link, coming up! Now we come to the payoff!

    Yep – there you have it. I’ve officially gotten in the green on all the categories. That’s just how simple it is to write. Sure, the tone of voice changed halfway through. I also have to say that some of this just didn’t make sense….but here we go. I wrote over 600 words on utter nonsense. As long as the automated scripts and search engines are happy, evidently I should be happy as well. What a load of crap.

    Wrong....so very very wrong. And gross as well.

    Getting back to frequency of writing….actually that’s something I’m hoping to do. It will be tough, but I have a lot of quality things to say. I realize I made a big fuss about quality over quantity earlier, but sometimes there’s room for both. I can put out two quality posts a month. Aaron has it in him!


  • The 6 most amazing ships in Star trek (that aren’t the Enterprise)

    51 years ago, a “Wagon train to the stars” was launched, and no one – not even Gene Rodenberry himself, had any idea of the life it was going to take. 13 movies, five live action series (err, now it’s six), and even a cartoon….the franchise has certainly been a huge part of our culture. Star Trek has introduced us to characters we love, and even a few that we hate. Star Trek has introduced us to worlds and aliens we would have never met. And of course, the ships! What would Star Trek be without the ships? So many amazing ships too! There’s the Enterprise, the Enterprise A, the Enterprise D, the Enterprise E….ok ok. There are a lot more ships than the six versions of the Enterprise. And as Star Trek is about exploring strange new worlds, and new civilizations, what better way to celebrate than by exploring vessels we don’t know a whole lot about? I mean….we know a lot about the Enterprise D, we were there every week for 7 years! We even know a lot about Voyager and The Defiant. But there’s some ships that are just as interesting which we hardly know about. So…as we prepare to learn about the US Discovery, (and oh how stoked I am about the new series) let’s take a few minutes and….discover…. some of the amazing ships that made Star Trek awesome.

    1)The Borg Queen’s Cube (First Contact)…

    battle001
    Efficient is one word. Egalitarian is another. The Borg Cube has very little in the way of aesthetics, but while it looks like something designed by Soviet Russia, it’s far from a boring ship. Firstly, the size of the ship. It’s huge! In the above picture, you can see the Enterprise E (the largest Enterprise) for scale. The Enterprise looks like it’s the size of a runabout compared to the cube! Borg Cubes are, of course, decentralized. The weaponry could be fired from pretty much any spot on the vessel. Any Borg from any station can do any task. And then of course there’s the fact that it contained a time traveling escape sphere! Seriously….who has one of those, save for the queen of the Borg? The Queen’s Cube, if it were not for the intervention of the Enterprise E, would have assimilated Earth. It’s the only ship to ever evoke the Klingon Death Chant (Perhaps today IS a good day to die) from Worf himself….while captaining the Defiant no less.

    Kelvan Multi-Generational Ship (Original Series)…

    Not much is known about these ships or even what they looked like, but what we do know is quite impressive. First launched in the 1960s, these ships traveled from the Andromeda Galaxy (hence the picture above). In a series full of interstellar travel, it’s hard to believe that intergalactic travel is almost a thing of fairy tales. To put it in perspective, a constitution class ship would take thousands of years to travel in between galaxies. The Kelvan ships can do it in 600. If we fast forward to about the year 4000, we might finally know more about these amazing ships. For now….we know they’re fast. We know they’re built to last for hundreds of years….and that’s just about it. But those facts alone are quite impressive.

    Species 8472’s ships (Voyager)…

    While not a specific ship, these ships are certainly some of the most impressive of the Star Trek universe. Organic technology alone might be impressive enough….but that’s just the start of this species’ amazing ships. The first time we are introduced to these ships, they’ve outright flattened a Borg Armada of 15 ships. What other species can say that? If not for the alliance with Voyager, these ships would have totaled the Borg Collective in six months time. How, you may ask? Their ships were not that big – they only carried one crew member. But these ships used the borg tactics of working in unison. When several ships came together, they could form a planet killer weapon which totally anilated anything in it’s destructive path. If there’s one thing you can take from species 8472 by the way….never piss off a xenophobic species that can wipe out the borg.

    The USS Valiant (Deep Space Nine)…

    While this ship is almost identical to the Defiant, the crew of the Valiant is what makes it so extraordinary. This ship, full of cadets and trapped behind enemy lines for months was able to survive long enough to complete it’s mission. While the captain’s huberis is what ultimately got most of the crew killed, it still must be noted that this was more than an ordinary crew. They knew what they had to do, despite being alone, despite being cut off from communications with rest of Starfleet. Red Sqad, we salute you. We can’t blame you for being inexperienced cadets.

    The Prometheus (Voyager)…

    This ship can separate into three….yes, three parts. Not even the Enterprise-D could do that! Each section of ship was a vessel that was more than adequately prepared to kick the Dominion back to the Gamma quadrant. In addition, it had regenerative shields as well as the same plating as the Defiant (and of course, the Valiant). Oh, did I mention it’s EMH could roam the entire ship without a mobile emitter? And did I mention this ship was the fastest in all of Starfleet? Seriously – it’s almost like they took the best parts from Voyager, the Defiant, and the Enterprise C and mixed them all together. If only they had shown more of the Prometheus….sigh.

    The Narada (Star Trek 2009)…

    This ship (along with Spok’s) pretty much split the Star Trek Universe into two timelines. But asides from that, this ship was essentially a weapon of mass destruction which was far more a match that any and all ships it encountered in the 23rd century. It had a primary assault of several missiles which could seperate into multiple projectiles. It had a drill (I mean, it was a mining ship) which was used to destroy the planet Vulcan!!! And it had a crew that was pissed off. More pissed off than species 8472, as their homeworld had been destroyed and they themselves were catapulted back in time. Yeah…..don’t mess with a shipload of pissed off Romulans. Just don’t.


  • Five classic games that need a proper, mobile port

    I miss my Pentium 4 home brew tower. I built it when I was in college, mainly to write papers and other college stuff, but it became an entertainment hub in no time. I got my first CD burner and made all kinds of mix CDs. I got my first DVD drive, and realized movies didn’t have to come on huge, clunky, analog tapes. But mostly, I realized how much I loved gaming. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always known I liked gaming. I never did get an Atari or an NES back in the mid 80s, but every time I went over to a friend’s house and they had a gaming system, I would beg for an opportunity to get on said system. So when I finally got my brand spanking new computer built, I made sure to include a decent graphics card and all the RAM I could. I no longer do much computer gaming, as computer gaming really isn’t convient for me. Most of my gaming is now done on a PS4 or my Android driven tablet. So of course, that magical day when I found Atari had ported Roller Coaster Tycoon 1 to Android, I got really excited. It gives me a feeling of nostalgia. It made me wonder what other games I used to play the heck out of could be ported to mobile devices. So, of course I had to make a listicle exploring this topic…

    1) Roller Coaster Tycoon 3. Yes, I know, they ported the first one. What more do I want? Well, there’s a reason the made Roller Coaster 2 and 3. For starters, I want to build a ride that isn’t going to scare my guests away as soon as it goes a little too fast or maybe loops one too many times. For another thing, Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 had a better sandbox mode, easier controls, more rides, and just better everything. Some didn’t like the graphics, but honestly, I found them to be just fine.

    And hey, you can’t cause anywhere near this amount of mayhem in the original!

    2) Sim Copter. This game was already pretty old when I built my computer, but I still loved it. It was so much fun, rescuing sims, upgrading my copter, flying around a Sim city 2 City, and hey…..if I got annoyed by my passengers, well, I could always “accidentally” eject them. I guess every game needs a little bit of an outlet for psychopathic behavior! Of course, I would be remiss in mentioning Sim Copter without also mentioning the fact that there was a “gay Easter egg.” Basically a bunch of male sims appeared in droves, hugging and kissing eacouther. While they removed it, you still saw, what appeared to be a gay pride parade from time to time. Good times! Good times indeed.

    3) Sid Meier’s Alpha Centauri: Here’s a great example of a turn based game that was great to play with friends – except none of my friends gamed. But maybe if there was a mobile edition? One that didn’t expect the players to sit there, glued to their devices all the time? Why not? So what made this game special, as opposed to the millions of other turned based games out there? This one had technology trees that lead to bizarre and wonderful inventions and secret projects! This game also had amazingly fleshed out personalities….I still have nightmares about Miriam! And yes, one could say that the Civilization games have the same things – so perhaps this could come as a package deal – why not? Sid could probably use the money! Just as long as they include the Alien Crossfire expansion pack.

    4) Age of Empires 2: Age of Kings. Before I bought this game, I bought the demo. Even that provided me a LOT of hours of play. But yes setting up a game with maybe five or six factions….making deals with some, going to war with others. One of my favorite moves was to ally myself with a faction, build a bunch of towers, and park several seige weapons in their town center. Then, when I was almost done with disposing of the other factions, I would simply unally myself and all of a sudden their little kingdom would fall to shambles. They’d be begging for mercy within a minute, but I was never merciful. Mwahahahahahahahah. Yeah….there’s that psychopath I mentioned in Sim Copter.

    5) Sim City 3000 Unlimited: Sim City 4 got really hard, and a lot less fun – even in sandbox mode. While 3 didn’t have as many features as 4, it was hella more enjoyable! And yes, I did just say hella – so sue me. But back to the game. Building roads, subways, neighborhoods, bridges….this must be the feeling Tim Taylor felt everytime he did his signature grunt! I swear, I almost switched my major to city planning because of this game! And if I got mad at the sims, I would just release a disaster. Oops, did I just accidentally destroy your town center? Oh, I am so sorry…..so very sorry. Of course, EA did give us SimCity Build it, but that’s more of a pay and or wait type of game. Honestly, those games frustrate me after about a month, so I tend to give up on them easily. No, I want to play a full on sandbox game of Simcity!

    Oh hey annoying Sims, I just called ET and he’s going to blow up your town!

    Honorable mention – There’s another game I’d like to see on mobile platforms, though I’m not sure if it’s a possibility: Star Trek Armada (or perhaps Armada 2). That game ate more than its fair share of Friday nights. I’d choose a map, and always play the Federation or the Borg. I’d have at least two factions of every alien, and oh the geeky fun I would have! I feel like letting out a half snort, half laugh just thinking about it! I remember one of my favorite moves was to capture a Borg vessel, even if I wasn’t the borg, and use it to assimilate klingons, Romulans, etcetera. By the end of the game, I’d have a true armada of vessels from all four species. I don’t know if a port of this game would really work in Andoid, but it would be interesting to try at least. I mean, what do they have to loose? Resistance would be futile…..you would be assimilated! Oh wait….


  • The best stuff ever! Part one….

    cute cat

    Stuff! Stuff is cool! Stuff is good! Stuff is awesome! Well, maybe not all stuff. But a lot of stuff is cool and awesome and good! And some stuff is cooler and awesome-er and uhhh good-er. Wait, that’s not how you say that! Better! Better! Holy crap better! But I digress. Some stuff is better than other stuff. So what’s the best stuff though? What’s the cream of the crop as far as stuff goes? Well, I’ll tell you darnit! I’ll tell you right now!!!!! Sit down, because sonny boy or girl, you’re about to get schooled with the best stuff ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The Coast Yes, the coast! It’s calming, it’s full of salty air, and dangit, it’s just awesome! I love the coast and wouldn’t want to be anywhere that I can’t get to the coast in less than three hours. Seriously. Don’t make me move to Colorado or Texas or Chicago, or Saskatchewan. I ain’t gonna do it! Why? Because the coast! And not just any coast…..the Oregon Coast! Yes, the Oregon coast is the best coast ever. We rule! We have the best sunsets when the clouds cooperate, and dangit, we have pretty pretty rock formations everywhere!

    Heavy Metal Music Come on, whom among you doesn’t love a loud, guitar ridden, heavy metal song! Who doesn’t love AC/DC pumped up to 11? Who doesn’t like Hair Metal? Who doesn’t like ten minute drum solos? Seriously, long live Rock and Roll! I remember at my Grandpa’s retirement party, I had my headphones on. My Grandma’s sister asked me what I was listening to. I said, in the most bad ass, eighth grade voice I could muster, TO HELL WITH THE DEVIL!!! Yeah, yeah, It was Stryper…..Soooooo Bad ass (sarcasm). But I mean, maybe in my adolescent mind, I thought they were girls. Seriously….look at them!!! They look like girls!!!!

    Interestingly enough, the only one that still looks like a girl is the one with the chest hair.
    Interestingly enough, the only one that still looks like a girl is the one with the chest hair.

    Regardless, I still love heavy metal. And I still even like Stryper! Although I like a lot of other bands too! Don’t judge me just because I grew up listening to Christian Rock!!!

    Chai Tea I’m enjoying a pot of it right now!!! Seriously, it’s spicy, it’s smooth, it’s got caffeine, it’s got a hint of sweetness! What the heck is better than chai tea? Especially when served with milk. mmmmmm. I think I’ll go get myself another pot! Seriously. Mmmmmmmm.

    Glasses I think about this all the time – how if I didn’t have my glasses I would be royally screwed! I mean, I would get amazingly bad headaches. I wouldn’t be able to legally drive. That sign 30 feet away? It says exit. How do I know that? Because freaking glasses of course!!!!!!! All hail the mighty glasses! Now, I just wish I could keep mine a bit cleaner. Seriously. There’s always smudges on them. It’s almost impossible to see out of them.

    A good pair of headphones So much of my life was squandered on crappy headphones. And then I woke up! Holy crap, if you’re paying 20 bucks for your headphones, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!! Seriously, there’s no sound coming from those pieces of crimminy! None! Go get yourself some senheisers. NOW!

    Cats If you don’t like cats, you can’t be trusted! That is a scientific fact! And don’t give me that whole allergy excuse – I have allergies to cats too, but it doesn’t stop me from cuddling with my scnookiee wookums! In fact, the only thing that keeps me from snuggling with him is the fact that he hates it and eventually claws me up. Seriously, my arms have so many cat scratch scars on them, it looks like I’ve been doing heroin! But I still snuggle with him! And I’m happy to clean his litter box. I’m happy to feed him when he’s hungry, even if it’s in the middle of the freaking night. Seriously – there’s nothing I won’t do for my master! All hail the cat! All hail the true ruler of the world!

    Seriously - who can say no to this face? I mean, you'd have to be a monster!!!
    Seriously – who can say no to this face? I mean, you’d have to be a monster!!!

    Water Yes, Water. It makes plants grow and it makes me less thirsty. It’s really a miracle thing! But watch out! I hear someone’s been putting chemicals in water! Seriously, some sicko has been putting dihydrogen monoxide in our water! It can be found in dangerous levels all over the world! Seriously, two ounces of this poison can kill you. And yet you can find this chemical in our water! Keep our water chemical free dangit!!!!

    Sharks Ooooo, yes, sharks. Sharks are awesome! Sharks are Awesome! I told you before that sharks are awesome! Why won’t you believe me? Oh, I know….you’re one of those fin eaters, aren’t you? Well guess what? That’s based on freaking psuedoscience and you need to get some science in you STAT! I mean, I do like eating shark tacos. There’s something about eating apex predators that make you feel superior! Bow to me, for I will eat you if you don’t! OK, ok, just kidding – don’t eat the sharks. They’re awesome! Seriously, look at this guy and tell me he isn’t awesome!!!!

    Awwww yeah, the hammerhead is sooooo Awesome!!!
    Awwww yeah, the hammerhead is sooooo Awesome!!!

    Video Games Yeah! Ain’t nothing better than laying in bed after a hard day at work, killing people in GTA. Or maybe I’m working on my latest murder coaster in Roller Coaster Tycoon. Or maybe I’m finding a way to torture villagers in my dungeon on minecraft. Or maybe…..umm…..maybe I need to seek professional help. I seem to be a psychopath!

    Showers Ever gone a week without a shower? Let me tell you, it’s not fun! Seriously, by the end of the week, you have barnacles attached to your ears. BARNACLES! It’s really gross! In my defense, I wasn’t able to take a shower because I was on a trip. About 30 of us all camping in Mexico, and that’s why I didn’t shower. But ohmygosh. It was BAD! BAAAAAAAAD. EWWWWW GROSS BAD! At least everyone I was with was in the same boat. But GROSS! Gross! So always take showers and never take showers for granted! See what I did there?

    Grammer Grammer rules. Always use proper grammer or I’ll whip you with a wet noodle. its inscrutable to me how some don’t know how to use proper grammer. I know its though. I know you have better things too due. I know their are dying children and proppar grammer seams stupid. But its not! USE PROPER GRAMMER!

    Coffee How can you live without coffee? You can’t! That’s how! If you don’t like coffee, you don’t like to live! You don’t like being awake! You don’t like anything I like because you don’t like coffee! Seriously though – coffee is amazing. And I’m not at all addicted to caffeine. Now where’s my trucker’s choice stay awake pills?

    Mmmmm......look at that crema!
    Mmmmm……look at that crema!

    Walking around in the middle of the night, yelling like a madman while swinging a cleaver back and forth What. you’ve never done this? Ummm…..why not? Come to think of it, this is pretty creepy. Hmmm, maybe I should call for that professional help even sooner. Yeah….I’m definitely a psychopath.


    So why didn’t I name any people? I mean, Jesus, my girlfriend, a band, or anything like that? Well – read the title! It says the best STUFF ever. Stuff are things, and people are not things. I thought we learned this lesson after the Civil war. Geez. People are not things. People are not your own personal property. The very fact that I had to right this makes me sick. Yeah. I’m so sick of you! Go away! Goodbye! Gosh!


  • The ten most awesome sharks ever!

    Sharks. Holy crap, they’re cool. Fish that are often times huge, evolved to kill anything and everything in their paths with their teeth of justice! Ok, ok, some of them are actually pretty tame, but I think it says a lot about them that their gentle cousins, the Rays, actually killed Steve Irwin. I mean, the dude wrestled freaking crocodiles, and yet a freaking sting ray killed him. Yeah….ok, ok, maybe that’s just circular logic, but dangit, sharks are cool and it’s shark week darnit!!! So to honor this festive time, here’s my list of the ten most awesome sharks ever!

    great-white-shark-720x480

    10. Great White Shark – This is, without a doubt, the king of the sharks. No other shark brings as much fear to us as the Great White. Jaws is coming to get us and we need a bigger boat! Yes! And they’re everywhere man, they’re everywhere. They’re in your bed at night! Ok, ok, maybe not in your bed….but they might as well be! They’re in every ocean except for the Artic and the Northern Antlantic. And they will get up into the Northern Atlantic….Jaws did happen in Nantucket after all…..

    sm_nostomach

    9.  Australian Ghost Shark / Elephant Shark – Look back at the great White shark. Now look at the Elephant Shark – yeah, they don’t even look like they’re both from the same Class – and yet they are. The Great White shark is the epitome of the natural born killing machine – but the elephant shark? Well, it’s just one of those fish that flops around, all chill doing it’s Dumbo imitation with its faux trunk. Yeah. This shark has a faux trunk – you want to make something of it? I didn’t think so – because he might be a dumbo looking shark, but dumbo will mess you up because he’s still a shark! Respect the freaking shark!

    mk77615_241648_330005.jpg4-saw-shark

    8. Saw Shark – How would you like a chainsaw for a freaking nose? Huh? Well, that’s what the saw shark has – a long nose with long, sharp teeth lining the right and left of it’s freaking snout. Yeah…..that’s what you call a nightmare. But unlike a chainsaw, it can’t run out of gas. It just thrashes it’s snout until its freaking prey is dead and it’s gobbling the mutilated flesh. Yeah….don’t mess with this bastard. You’ll end up an amputee!

    80-Million-Year-Old-Shark-Fossil-Defies-Darwinism

    7. Frilled Shark – look at this shark. Isn’t he evil looking? He’s like a demon from the deeps, coming to eat your soul!!! If you see this, run for your life, because Lucifer himself has sent this sucker to consume you! Ooooo, but it’s so much worse than that…..this shark’s teeth are even more nightmarish! It’s got rows upon rows of needle-like teeth lining it’s long jaws. Stick your hand in one of these, and you might as well stick your hand in a meat grinder powered by about 100 pissed off cats. That’ll hurt!

    137590322843814126703601197_Alien_Sharks_Megamouth

    6.  Megamouth – this thing claims it only eats plankton, but look at it….does that look like something that only eats plankton? That mouth is huge. It could probably fit a Volkswagen bug in it’s mouth if it wanted to – not that anything would want to eat a Volkswagen beetle. But it could if it wanted to darn it!!! More-so, this thing looks like the godfather. Yes, maybe it isn’t lying about it’s diet, but it’s hands, err….fins aren’t clean, that’s for sure. It’s the one running the show from behind the scenese. It’s the one telling all of the other sharks to eat everything else……Your only hope is to ask for a favor on this, the day of it’s daughter’s wedding….or it’ll have an offer you can’t refuse.

    whorl

    5. Whorl Shark – This shark has a normal shark body, but a freaking circular saw blade for a lower jaw. Seriously, it’s jaw just kind of winds up. I’m not sure which is worse, this or the saw shark, but this shark certainly looks way more awesome than any damned chainsaw wannabe shark. This will do more than make you an amputee, this will cut you in half like a 2×4!!! Yeah! Aren’t you afraid to go into the water now? Well….maybe you shouldn’t be actually. This guy hasn’t swam in the oceans of earth for over 200 million years. Still…you never know….one might have survived in the depths of the ocean. Maybe it’s just waiting to make its resurgence back into the world. First it’ll conquer the oceans, and then the world.

    whale-shark_2

    4. Whale Shark – Finally, a shark that doesn’t pose any threat to our well being. Well, unless your name is Jonah! Yes….some biblical scholars believe it was not a whale that ate Jonah, but a whale shark. And you can see why. They’re huge. Oh, and they know it too. Google Whale shark attacks diver. Yeah…..they might not have any teeth, but if they feel threatened, they’ll use their size against you – in a deadly way. It’s like they’re the hippos of the sea! So even if you’re not supposed to go to Nineveh, be wary of this dude.

    prehistoric4-NEW3-550x350

    3. Megladon – What happens when a Great White Shark takes steroids? You get a huge ass shark that’s not afraid of anything. Seriously, when these suckers were around, they would eat whales. Freaking whales I tell you! The world hasn’t seen these creatures in 2.5 million years, which means one thing – Australopithecus must have hunted these suckers to extinction because they knew if they didn’t, the sharks would adapt to life on land and eat all our proto-human, ape like ancestors!!! Oh, but just as we know the Whorl shark is lurking about the depths of the ocean, so is Megladon. Just waiting to make its appearance once more…..sooooooooon.

    goblin

    2. Goblin Shark – The Goblin shark is often called a living fossil – but I call it a living nightmare! Seriously, it looks like that nerd from your chemistry class mated with a fish. This sucker is soooo ugly. Still, it’s the kind of so ugly that it’s cute type of thing. Awww, maybe I’ll just cuddle with him for a bit. He looks like he needs a hug. Then again, that nose of his might spear me. That would hurt. Also, he smells like fish. So… I guess he smells a little better than the nerd in chemistry class. Oh yeah…did I mention those teeth are like serrated blades? Nerd or not..might want to let him sit with the cool kids. That bite will hurt!

    hammerhead-sharks-pictures1

    1. HammerHead – This! This is the best shark ever! Awww yeah, the hammerhead. He’s got a hammer for a head! He’s like a great white with a lot more smarts and a lot more awesome! That’s really all there is to say about this awesome shark – other than it can kick all other sharks in the buttox because it’s so awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Still, don’t get too close to this awesome shark, because he is a shark and he could mess up your day royally. Just admire it from a distance….Salute it like a flag. Looking up, but never touching. And singing to it. I’m not sure what to sing to it – but we should sing to it. I pledge allegiance to the hammerhead.

    Disclaimer:
    This is a piece of comedy, and while one should always realize sharks are wild animals with the ability to mess up your day (well, a lot of sharks at least), they are also not as big of a threat to humans as we tend to portray them in the media. Yes, you should keep your distance – yes, you should make sure you’re aware of your surroundings when they’re around, but you should also admire them and respect them – don’t just fear them. Sharks really are awesome!


  • Show me that smile again….Or, whatever happened to the TV theme song

    tapesThe 80s and 90s were a golden age of music…we had New Wave, alternative, pre-alternative, punk, and a million other amazing genres. Even the theme songs from sitcoms knew where it was at. We had such classics as Family Ties (what would we do baby, without us?), The Facts of Life (You take the Good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have), Perfect Strangers, Who’s the Boss, Silver Spoons, Full House, Friends, The Wonder Years…I could literally fill this entire article up with examples of memorable, and quite frankly, amazing sitcom theme songs from 1980 through the year 1999. I can’t even fill a quarter of this article with good theme songs from 2000 through 2015. What the heck happened?

    whatchutalkinboutwillisMaybe I should back up and ask a different question: what makes a good sitcom theme? Let’s look at the following: The Brady Bunch, Gilligan’s Island, and The Flinstones – all theme songs I would bet most Americans know. Yes, yes, I realize those are all from a time-frame outside of the periods I’m talking about, but I’m viewing these three as a control – as a canon in which to judge all other sitcom theme songs. As I stated before, most Americans (and I’m guessing many people in many other cultures) could recite or sing the lyrics to all three of these by heart. This is one measure of a good theme song – it’s memorability. They are catchy and they are something one might catch oneself singing, or at least humming in the shower. A second criteria – these songs tell what the show is about. For example, The Brady Bunch tells us about the merging of the two families into one; Gilligan’s Island tells the tale of how the castaways got to the deserted island they’re stranded on. The Flinstones theme tells of the prehistoric family, and even invites the audience to watch their zany adventures as they live their lives.

    The third, and most important thing in a sitcom theme is that it is something that becomes part of the culture. The theme song becomes something more than just a song which tells us a show is about to start – it becomes something we find ourselves singing when we’re drunk or in a silly mood or what have you. Granted, cultural relevancy is closely related to the fact that the theme song must be memorable. A song won’t become part of the culture if the song is not memorable, though that does not mean they are one and the same. A song must have culture relevancy. When I was a teen, I remember hearing a preacher trying to shame us because we could sing the theme song to the Flinstones easily but very few in that crowd could recite certain Bible Verses. That preacher did not understand, that while said Bible Verses are not necessarily part of the culture, the theme to the Flinstones is very much a part of the culture. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the theme from the Flintstones over a thousand times. Aside from maybe John 3:16, I’m not sure I can name one Bible Verse that I’ve heard recited as often. One does not walk down the street to hear Romans 3:23 being whistled by some random passerby-er, or Psalms 119 being played from a nearby television. They aren’t really part of the culture; they are part of certain subsets of the culture, but not the American culture at large. However, the theme from the Flinstones, the theme from the Brady Bunch, and the theme from Gilligan’s Island are indeed part of the American culture at large. That’s why we were able to recite them. That’s why youth groups sing Amazing grace to the tune of Gilligan’s Island, that’s why I heard someone singing the Brady Bunch on the bus just the other day (note: this might sound like anecdotal evidence – however in this case I think we can forgive the lack of scientific data). Granted, cultural relevancy is closely related to the first point I made, ie the fact that the theme song must be memorable. A song won’t become part of the culture if the song is not memorable, though that does not mean they are one and the same.

    To be fair, there are a few of theme songs that really don’t fit all these criteria, but are great nonetheless. Most of them, however, are instrumentals and do fit points one and three. The Theme from the Office is a classic example. However, even those are becoming few and fare between. I used the Office as an example, because it is the only sitcom in the semi-modern era I could think of. The others I thought of were Seinfeld (1989 – 1998), The Simpsons (while current, it began in 1989), and Night Court (1984 – 1992). To be fair, I did think of another which is indeed modern era: The Crazy Ones. The theme for the Crazy Ones made me very happy, and is very memorable to me – however, most people really didn’t like The Crazy Ones. Despite staring a beloved cast (we miss you Robin), the show, and by extension, the theme didn’t really become part of the culture.

    I'm no superman!
    I’m no superman!
    Going back to shows that meet all three criteria, I can only name two that fit the current criteria: Family Guy, which I don’t count because it started in the 90s, and The Big Bang Theory – which is a stretch for point number two. If we add in shows that have ended, but are still in the current era, I guess we can add Srubs. Sure, there are sitcoms that failed which might have tried (Selfie). There’s The Goldbergs, which hasn’t quite ascended into “part of the American culture at large,” (yet?). There’s probably a few cable shows that I’m missing (maybe on Disney or Nickelodeon), but again they might be part of a sub-culture, but not part of the culture in general. If I heard someone whistling the theme to say, ICarly (is that still on?), I wouldn’t recognize it. It’s time to face facts – the powerhouse of sitcom songs from the 80s and 90s seems to be a thing of the past.

    But why has this happened? What happened to the TV theme song? To be honest, I don’t know that the why even matters. What matters is we somehow storm the Bastille, or rather Hollywood, and demand they give us our freaking sitcom songs back! Now! No, no, no, we don’t want a clone of Charles in Charge or Silver Spoons or Who’s the Boss – those wouldn’t be culturally relevant. We want something fresh. You can even give us a song that wasn’t originally written for the show – I’ve mentioned the shows Friends, Scrubs, and the Wonder Years; those weren’t original songs – but they were culturally relevant, they were memorable, and they explained the general premise of the show. So please, production companies – for the sake of the culture! Of all mankind! Bring us a renaissance of sitcom theme songs! Just think about this, it’s free advertising. Every time I hear the theme from Friends, it makes me want to watch friends. Sure, the show is in syndication, but one day I won’t be able to pull it up on TBS or Nick at Night, and one of these days it won’t be on Netflix. That is the day I shell out a couple hundred bucks for the entire damned series. That is the day you get my money, all because I heard a stupid song.

    I leave you with this tribute to 80s sitcom theme songs…


  • Coffee Lost numbers: Buffy vs Twilight

    sm_monkeyIf you read the title for this post and said “What a bunch of foolish gibberish!” while throwing your device of choice out the window because you thought that aaronjedwards.com was supposed to actually make sense, well…I’ve got news. Firstly, you’ve got some issues: I mean, when has ANYTHING on aaronjedwards.com ever made sense? Secondly – that title IS gibberish – kind of. The terms “coffee,” “lost numbers,” and “Buffy vs Twilight” are the top three terms of all time that direct google users to aaronjedwards.com. This has inspired me to write a post which does nothing but capitalize on every search term that has ever directed people to this website…..far be it from me to not use an already proven method! So here goes nothing:

    Coffee – social mercy in Buffy Session 8 and Bob Dylan’s drug of choice. The lost number, lost humor, and Einstein Lost explain what happened to Starbucks in 2007. Overlooked movies of 2010, How to make a Dutch Bros Annihilator, and burning books not withstanding, Aaron James Edwards coffee pic made Hulk bubbles. Meanwhile, Spike and Buffy Fanfiction and radiohead decline makes one ask “Is REM Anti Christian?”

    Excuses are bad decisions. What is mean of life? Sparkly vampire T-shirts and coffee cups. Not to mention songs about alternative lifestyles.

    Man sipping coffee, 5 overlooked movies, censorship burning, and кофе фото made pro wrestler’s political beliefs look like Transformers 3: Sunshine Cleaning. I write fanfiction Jinx. Think about this: Einstein – Nazi Germany, Hitler meeting an Alien. Weird Al and stumptown comics.

    Buffy spike, angel, Buffy kils Edward. Buffy stakes Edward. Twilight sucks, Buffy rules, Joss Wheddon knows an Einstein comic. JJ Abrams and Star Trek will stump other bands. Buffy Buffy Buffy, willow Buffy Buffy.

    So, with Dylan’s house of the rising sun, coffee and smoke,” I leave you with this thought: Other bands hate Radiohead.


    My brain officially hurts, but maybe this post shall bring in new readers to aaronjedwards.com. Maybe the new viewers will tell all their friends about the exciting and wonderful posts they read here. Or maybe they’ll see this post as a troll to get hits, and hit their browser’s “back” button. Regardless, to the person searching for Aaron J Edwards in Colorado, I hope you find them.


  • If Windows 8 was a Star Trek Movie

    win8hellI’m typing this on my brand new Laptop. Said Laptop came with the dreaded software bug, otherwise known as Windows 8. I HATE Windows 8. It’s clunky, it’s interface is designed for a touch screen (vs. designed for a full on computer), and it’s extremely unintuitive (I had to make a short cut to the control panel because it’s so buried), and it’s changed so many standards that we’ve come so familiar with (coughs – start menu!). A friend of mine said if Windows 8 were a movie, it would be Star Trek V: the – oh I can’t even remember the name of that crappy movie. Just that it was crap. Crap on a stick with butter and toast – but I digress…

    For arguments sake, We’re going to lump all pre 95 versions into one version. They, just like Star Trek: The Motion Picture, have never been fan favorites. They had their merits, and to be fair, there wasn’t much to compare them to. Still, they were clunky and hard to operate. They probably would have been duds if there were any other options out there. But Trekies and computer users alike were forced to go with what they had, or not at all. Ok, computer users could have gone with a Mac, true, but that’s besides the point. In all honesty though, I look back at Star Trek: The Motion Picture with the same fondness I have for Pre 95 versions of Windows. It’s clunky, it’s stupid – but it’s also so nostalgic and despite the plot and memory holes, it feels like a simpler, more innocent time.

    And then came Windows 95 – like a Genesis missile launching to a planet, giving new life to everything. I know this is going to make some people really upset, but if there was one single piece of software that changed the world, it was probably Windows 95. It became the standard pretty early on, and the OS that really made home computing a friendly experience. It even brought the internet to the forefront of technology. And a bonus feature – every time you got the BSOD, an “illegal error,” or whatever, you almost wanted to yell KAAAAAAHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or maybe GAAAAAAATTTEEEEESSSSSS. So yeah, if you hadn’t guessed by now, Windows 95 is the Wrath of Kahn. It showed us what a computer could do, just like Star Trek II showed us what a Trek movie could achieve. Hmmm, does this mean JJ Abrams is going to reboot Windows 95? Suddenly I’m remembering how I had to reboot every single time I changed something. GAAAAAAATTTEEEEESSSSSS!!!

    A few years later came Windows 98. To be fair, it wasn’t a bad OS. It fixed a few things in Windows 95. It tried to be it’s own OS as well. Having said that – it really wasn’t much more than a splash in a pan. There was no real innovation – just evolutions on the existing OS. It wasn’t really a dud, it just – was. I would almost see it as a filler OS, just like, The Search for Spok (only not quite as slow -www.instantrimshot.com).
    Windows 2000, while never meant to be a “home edition” really shook things up for the Windows user. In a good way. To be honest, while I can’t name one physical thing that Windows 2000 did, I can say that when I upgraded to Windows 2000, my BSOD rate plummeted dramatically. I think most people would easily say their computers ran a lot better with Windows 2000. Oh, but what Star Trek Movie does this equate to? Well, we could go with Generations I guess. It was a bridge. A bridge between stability and lack thereof. I’m bored with this paragraph – moving on…

    Enter Windows ME. The last two paragraphs might have been dry – boring in fact. Well, I had to save all the humor I could for this paragraph. Windows ME SUCKED. And not just in a metaphorical way. Windows ME sucked the life out of everyone that used it. Seriously, I think a better name would be Windows Vampire. But it didn’t just suck the life force from everyone who came within a mile of a computer running said OS, it also sucked the resources of the computer itself. BSOD jumped up 5000% from previous versions of Windows [citation needed]. It required as much RAM as you could give it – and then forced you to close down every program you weren’t using immediately – because evidently Windows ME didn’t believe in Multi-tasking. Oh, but what about the Star Trek movie? I’ve already used Star Trek V: Shatner’s revenge. That’s ok, Insurrection fits the bill quite nicely. Windows ME sucked the life-force of out of computers and their users, Insurrection was about aliens trying to get their life force back by sucking the life force out of the audience. I can’t believe I saw that movie twice on opening day! Just call me a sucker.

    And then came XP……Would I compare XP to any Star Trek movie per se? Maybe Star Trek VI. Honestly, this is where the argument goes into that of apples and oranges as the comparison of the two are less than intuitive. Yes, the two can be compared on the basis that they’re both among my favorites of the Star Trek Series and the Windows series, but really that’s where the analogy comes to a screeching halt, much like Captains Kirk and Sulu halted General Chang’s plans to…..wait, I said the analogy halted. The point is Windows XP was a great OS. I ran XP on four different machines – more than any other windows OS to date. And to really stretch the analogy, I probably watched Star Trek VI more than any other Star Trek Movie. How can I resist Captain Kirk kicking that alien in the knee nards?microsoft-store-300x220

    My comparisons of Windows versions have almost been sequentially parallel to the Star Trek Movie I’ve compared them to. This was an intentional thing, and even a throwback to an earlier version of this article. Having said that, it’s a really good thing I rethought this – because Windows Vista does not, in any way shape or form, equate to Generations. Yes, some people didn’t like Generations – but I did. I did not, however, like Vista. I did not like it so much, that when it came to buy a new laptop circa 2007, I intentionally got a laptop with XP. At the time of Vista’s release, I read articles where businesses were actually going to switch to using LINUX because of Vista. That never really transpired mind you, but the fact that these unnamed businesses were even considering this move speaks volumes. The main problem with Vista is that Microsoft focused on Security and forgot about usability. I think Sheldon Cooper said it best – My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don’t like that. It just made a bad OS altogether. So….if Vista is not Generations, then what is it? I’ve used up all the bad Star Trek movies thus far except for one – Nemesis. Vista had so much potential, as did Nemesis, but neither lived up to their respected potential. In fact, I would argue that both of them lowered the bar so much that the next version of Windows, the next Star Trek movie, HAD to be good because they were NOT the last crap fest Microsoft / Star Trek threw at us like so many zoo caged monkeys! bill-gates-borg-150x150

    So, does that make Windows 7 Star Trek (2009)? That would make Windows 7 the equivalent to the very best Star Trek movie ever, First freaking Contact! The borg had invade with their inferior version of Windows – but did Picard and the crew of the Enterprise give up? Hell no! They freaking came back and took back the Enterprise, just like Windows 7 took Windows 7 and made it back into a decent operating system. I’ve had two computers that used 7, and I confess – I’m in love with it. I wish this computer had Windows 7. I wonder if I can downgrade…..

    Reboots in movies are tricky. When things change, people get confused and are often times left in the dark. But if they’re done properly, they can add value to an established lore. The same can be said about total redesigns of computer software. Windows 8, if had been done properly, could have been Star Trek (2009). Instead, we get Star Trek V. As I’m typing this – I’m downloading Windows 8.1, and hoping to God it’s better than Windows 8. But I’m not holding my breath – too many flaws in 8 for it to be fixed. I know Microsoft want to give us “one experience for all devices,” but the way I operate a laptop is NOT the way I operate a tablet or a phone. And until Microsoft drags Steve Ballmer to the guillotine realizes this, they’re going to give us crap.


  • Buffy vs Twilight in Buffy Season 8-8

    ©Jinx, Inc. Used without permission. Please don't sue me, Jinx! I love your t-shirts!!!!I’ll be honest: I cannot stand sparkly vampires. I have even considered buying a T-shirt depicting Buffy dusting Edward. I have even contemplated writing fan fiction along the same lines. But why should I write fan fiction, when Buffy goes toe to toe with the Twilight Vamps canonically? In the Buffy the Vampire: Season 8 graphic novels, we find an interesting subtext involving the evils of even the nicest and incompetent vampires. This evil, is not just limited to the Buffyverse: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8 shows that even the sparkly vamps of the twilight universe are evil creatures, and should probably be disposed of, lest they win the hearts of the innocents.

    Let’s begin with issue 21: “Harmonic Divergence.” Harmony, the ditsy cheerleader turned Vampire Princess, is spotted in California drinking blood from the neck of an unnamed celebrity. Through a course of events, she gets her own reality show on MTV, and a worldwide interest in, and love for, vampires emerges. But Harmony as evil as ever, even more so. Not only does she heartlessly kills a slayer on live television, she also endorses a line of what is later revealed to be demon controlled toy vampires! Of course, after an attack by a would be slayer (who is slaughtered mercilessly), and after Buffy’s gang destroys the toys, Harmony plays the victim, and of course, the public fall for this. Hmmm, Vampires gaining immense popularity, to the point of immense fandom and said fans claiming said vampires are not evil. Quite an interesting resemblance to the fans of Twilight, as well as the other sparkly Vamps that have emerged because of the immense Twilight Vamps. Harmony appears nice enough, she’s not out to kill anyone – at least not publicly. But when the doors are closed, she’s just as bloodthirsty, heartless, and evil as ever. And perhaps, so are the Twilight Vamps. Perhaps.

    Or perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions. Perhaps the similarity of Harmony’s popularity and Twilight’s popularity is simply just a coincidence and not an allegory showing that all Vampires are evil creatures  (even though issue 21 came out a mere two months after the release of the first Twilight movies). Well, even if this IS a coincidence, there are other damning factors against Twilight in season 8. For one thing, the Big Bad of season 8 is named, (ahem) TWILIGHT! Yes, how coincidental is that? How is it that the head evil creature is actually named Twilight? There’s no denying the fact that Season 8 shows the evils of the Twilight, when the main villain is actually named TWILIGHT!!! That’s would be like if CS Lewis had named Aslan “Jesus.” That would be like if George Orwell had called the pigs in Animal Farm “Communists.” That would be like if Herman Melville named the Whale – well whatever the heck the whale means, that one’s still up for debate. But my point is simple: Word association is a powerful tool. Its pretty unimaginable that Joss Whedon would happen to overlook the fact that his main villain in season 8 just happens to share the name of a series of books and movies which depicts good and caring vampires. When the name is different, any similarities, however blaring they might be, could be dismissed as merely coincidence. The very fact that the main villain is named “Twilight,” is a big blaring sign saying “HEY! LOOK! TWILIGHT! WE REALLY MEAN TWILIGHT!!!!”

    Oh, but wait! What about Angel? What about Spike? They’re both Vampires and they’re both good!Or are they? If I remember correctly, Spike only became “good” because he had a chip implanted in his head causing him not to kill humans. Despite anything he did after that, if it had not been for that chip, Spike would have gone on killing anyone and everyone he felt the urge to kill. Spike was pretty much tamed like a circus animal – take out his metaphorical teeth and he’s harmless. Ok, ok, Spike is evil, but what about Angel? Well, Angel just happens to be the best piece of evidence to my thesis. Angel was probably one of the most evil Vampires in the Buffyverse before his, for lack of a better word, anti-curse. And after he slept with Buffy, he lost his soul and became evil once more. Angel is no (ahem) Angel; he’s a demon who is only good because people were so sick of his terror, that they decided to put a spell on him. But never mind that. an interesting fact was revealed about Angel recently. The writers of Buffy Season 8 has revealed that Angel, who has not previously been portrayed in season 8, has been in the background of Season 8 this entire time. Angel has been wearing a mask—the same mask that Twilight wears. Angel is Twilight! The kindest, most gentle, and dare I say Edward-like vampire in the Buffyverse turns out to be the Big Bad that’s trying to kill Buffy and the rest of the Scoobies! Case closed! Never mind the neon sign, we now have a blaring horn bleating out that even the sparkliest of vampires is evil and vile and will kill you if you give it a chance. And yes,I said  it! They are not people! They are evil THINGS that need to be disposed of properly and by all means necessary.

    Oh the path we weave when we decide evil is good, and good is evil. Oh the twisted, sick perversions, oh the death and destruction – but I digress. In all seriousness, I really don’t believe Vampires exist, despite my enthusiasm in this article. Vampires are a great literary device to describe all that is evil and dark in this world. A little Vlad the Impaler, a little Black Plague, a little dark magic, and voila! Dracula – one of the most formidable literary villains of all time – is born. But even Dracula has his good side, right? He helped Buffy and the Scoobies in Tokyo, right? Well, yes….but only because that served his best interest. Mark my words, in any other circumstance, Dracula meeting Buffy would have meant a reenactment of Season 5’s first episode – only this time the end might depict a role reversal – IE Dracula standing over Buffy’s grave. Every vamp is something to be weary of. Like I said, I don’t believe in vampires – but if I ever meet one – I’m running the other way as fast as I possibly can. And you should as well. Now. Don’t stop. Just freaking run already!