• Setting goals: traveling the road to failure?

    Most of us at some time in our lives have set a goal. Sometimes we achieve said goals, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes our goals are small – maybe we want to go to bed at a certain time. Some of our goals are larger – maybe we want to pay off our credit cards in two years. Some of our goals may even be extremely ambitious – maybe we want to be the very first person, or at least person of our gender, ethnic group, et cetera to do a certain task. For instance, maybe Hillary Clinton had set the goal to be the first woman president, or maybe Micheal Jordan had set a goal to be the first NBA player to – whatever basketball milestone he achieved – it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we stop this! Or at the very least, thoroughly examine what we set as goals. But why? Why am I telling all of you to reject what society has drilled in our head from day one? Simple; the very goals we are setting because society has told us that’s what we need to do, are destroying our society!

    Let me back up a little. Firstly, let’s examine what a goal actually is. The word goal most likely stems from the middle English word “gal” which means obstacle or barrier. The very first usage of the actual word “goal,” was from the 15th century and meant the end point of a race. Ok, sure…sounds simple enough. A goal is, in a way, the end point of some sort of competition. But said competition is exactly what we need to question. With every goal we make, we must ask “who are we competing against?” Sure, at times, we are only competing against ourselves. However, so many other times, we are competing against others. Say that your goal is to be the first person to set foot on Mars. That’s an ambitious dream and most of us will celebrate your accomplishment with you. However, at what cost? Firstly, no one else will ever be able to say they were the first to set foot on Mars. Is that really fair? What makes you so special that out of the seven billion people on this planet, you alone get to say “I’m first to set foot on another planet.”? Are you really that amazing of a person? Nope! While you trained a lot more than others – and let’s be fair – you deserve it more than most of us – you’ll still be setting yourself ahead of say, your team you traveled with to Mars. You are probably mission commander, and you probably earned that position. However, maybe if the mission had happened a year later, the person sitting next to you in the pod as you descend to the surface of Mars would deserve this honor. Doesn’t matter – you took that right for yourself. All because you set a goal for yourself without questioning if you deserve it more than anyone else in all of humanity, both present and future. Ok, but what if my goal isn’t so grandiose? What if my goal is to go to bed a little earlier. There’s no harm in that, right? Well…maybe there is. That’s what I’m asking you to consider. If you want to go to bed say, a half hour earlier, that means you will have to cut a half hour of activity from your schedule. What are you doing with that half an hour? Are you engaging with other humans? Are you doing something that might ease someone’s burden? Maybe you’re cleaning the toilet, maybe you’re talking to loved ones. Maybe you’re just vegging out in front of the boob tube, but maybe you’re part of a neilsen family and that show you no longer watch because you go to bed early gets canceled! A little hyperbolic – but my point is that every single goal we make can have any number of consequences on other people. Going back to the first person on Mars, said person isn’t just taking away the tilte of “first” from all of present and future humanity, but they’re also dedicating a lot of time to do so. How much time away from their family did they take to accomplish this goal? Heck, how much money did we, the taxpayers, pay for this goal to happen?

    This brings me to my next point – many of our goals take more than just ourselves to accomplish. And yet who reaps in the glory of accomplishment? Ourselves. Still, we must learn to thank those that make our goals possible. The first man on Mars will be a giant turd if they don’t thank their fellow mission mates, ground crew, and family for all their sacrifices so one person can achieve what no other human will ever accomplish again. Not to mention the politicians who allocated funds to the mission, and those of us who pay for the mission with our tax dollars. The person who wants to get to bed early should probably thank their spouse for cleaning the toilet for them, and the friends they’re spending less time with. Oh, and if the goal is to save X amount of dollars? Well, let’s just remember, money is a finite resource, that means someone else doesn’t get that money which you’re hoarding. Maybe you need to thank the propriateers of establishments you’re not spending money at because of your goal to save money.

    I realize this entire stance sounds a bit entitled. I’m not standing in your way if you want to accomplish something. However, our society suffers greatly because we don’t ask what impact our actions, and in these cases, our goals, have on each other. When we set a goal without asking who said goal affects, we have already failed in reaching said goal (even if we succeed). When our goals rob our fellow man of prestige, time, money, and et cetera, perhaps we should rethink our goals.

    I’ll end this by saying I love hockey. When I’m at a hockey game, and the team I’m rooting for scores a goal, I cheer and yell and have no sympathy for the other team. When the other team scores a goal, I boo and hiss, because they took something away from my team. The antithesis of my goal rethinking philosophy is to realize that other people will have goals and even if they’re being selfish with said goals, it is just as selfish to not let someone accomplish a goal because we aren’t getting something. I’m not talking about something we need – sure if someone’s goal is going to keep us from getting enough sleep, food, shelter, et cetera – we should stand up for our rights. However, sometimes we have to let people have their goals even though it might inconvenience us. If your friend wants to get more sleep, you should probably let them do so. Don’t say you’re entitled to their time. And again, I really don’t care if you want to be the first person on Mars – more power to you! I’m even happy to pay my tax dollars to make this happen! Seriously though….don’t make your wife clean the toilet. She needs her sleep just as much as you.

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  • 7 Songs that make no sense – and yet make total sense

    Nonsense – utter nonsense. It really makes no sense, but that’s of course the point. If it made any, even the slightest amount of sense, it wouldn’t be utter nonsense would it? It would be partial nonsense. And yet sometimes, in just the right context, utter nonsense makes all the damned sense possible. Especially if said nonsense can be found in a song. Plenty of songs use nonsensical lyrics, but somehow the meaning of the song shines through nonetheless. Mind you – it may or may not be the intention of the song writer, but then again I tend to stray away from the intentional fallacy. Let’s take a look at a few of these songs, shall we?

    Stand – REM: This has been noted as one of the most influential songs to my life, but really this song is nothing but a bunch of meaningless words strung together. The song basically was a dare among the band to write the dumbest and insane song that they could. And really – if you look at the lyrics – yeah….they’re pretty dumb. Take the line, “If wishes were trees – the trees would be falling.” If you’re not a very analytical person, that line might not make any sense. And yet it tells the listener that their dreams and wishes aren’t being fulfilled….that if they were trees – they would just let those trees fall down and rot. And that’s just one line of the song! The entire song tells you to “Stand in the place where you are,” and then tells you to face North or West. The song tells you to take a good look at your point of view, and adjust it to accommodate where you are, where you’ve been, and where you could be. The song tells you to take a Stand, but don’t be afraid to change that Stand if you need to.


    Untitled #5 (Álafoss) – Sigur Ros: I could have chosen anything from the () album, but I chose #8 because it’s my favorite. The lyrics are full on gibberish. They mean NOTHING. They are not in a foreign language as most of Sigur Ros songs are – they are in a made up gibberish tongue the lead vocalist uses to find the melody of the song before any actual words can be applied. If any song (or in this case, album) could be said to be meaningless, it’s this one. And yet – meaning abounds. It’s almost as though one is listening to a classical piece; this album gives us similar ways to interpret itself. It digs into our soul and brings up base feelings. Sometimes we don’t even know these feelings exist. An extended slow bass line can make us feel like we’re coming out of the cold. A high pitched vocal can tell us the state of the world is driving us insane. The only clues in the songs are the title, and even in #5, Álafoss is just where the band records! And yet it’s a symphony full of meaning – different meaning to each person – but meaning nonetheless.


    Touch of Grey – Grateful Dead: This song is nothing but a string of non-sequiturs strung together. It’s almost like a computer tried to write a song by taking popular phrases and rhyming them. I mean, how the heck does “the dog has not been fed in years” and “she can’t read at 17” really fit together? They don’t! And that’s the beauty of this song. Each line might fit with the previous – but not really. And it certainly won’t fit with the rest of the lyrics. It almost forms a stream of consciousness – or perhaps describes the madness of the world (the same madness described in Untitled #5). I will say the chorus does serve as a burrito wrapper for this mess of a song: I will get by/I will survive. Somehow – through this madness….I, and later we, will survive. Somehow we’ll make it through this crazy world – even if the dog who hasn’t been fed decides to make a snack of your drummer’s tibia bone (yeah, watch the video).


    Stacked Crooked – The New Pornographers: Sometimes Carl Newman (of The New Pornographers) just doesn’t care about what the lyrics say, rather he cares about how the lyrics sound. Stacked Crooked is one of those songs. I spent years trying to find meaning in the lyrics – looking at fan theories stating anything from starting their own Vietnam style war to the quest of trying to find a prostitute. I finally decided the meaning for myself is a quest for power. One the speaker will be doomed to fail. The song starts out with the line, “I counted on my private Altamont.” This is, of course, a reference to the Altamont festival in 1969 – where the Hell’s Angels were hired for security with tragic results. Throughout the song, the speaker seems to know they’re doomed to fail. They lost a deal, they’ve got an Achilles heel, and they know they’re heading for the guillotine. And of course, they’re “stacked crooked in this quest.” Come to think of it, this could have been sung by LBJ. All of a sudden, the Vietneam style war seems to make more sense.



    They Might be Giants – Fingertips:
    if you’re unfamiliar with Fingertips, it’s actually 21 mini songs ranging from 4 to 12 seconds in length. According to TMBG, these mini songs are supposed to simulate a CD on random, skipping from song to song. And while that’s a perfectly plausible answer, there’s an even better theory – and since I said I don’t like to commit the intentional fallacy (even though I did in the last paragraph), I’m going with the theory that makes more sense. The theory is that these 21 songs are telling the life story of someone from conception (Everything is catching on fire) to death (I’m having a heart attack), and finally into the afterlife (I walk along darken corridors). It marks life moments such as the visit of the tooth fairy (I found a new friend, underneath my pillow), Adolescence (Leave me alone, leave me alone), Marrige (something grabbed ahold of my hand), divorce (I don’t understand you), and even second marriages (The day that love came to play). The songs even point out that life begins and ends with other people putting their fingertips all over you. It’s really an amazing song(s) if you look at it through this theory!


    Richard Harris – MacArthur Park: This song gets a lot of hate because the over-dramatization of the cake that got left out in the rain (I don’t think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it, and I’ll never have that recipe again! OOOOH NOOOOO!!!!). Ok, yeah….sure. It might be a little upsetting, but that line was certainly a bit hyperbolic. Having said that – a true appreciator of music knows that this was more than just cake. This is the relationship the speaker laments over the course of the song. Sure – what the heck is the rain? We don’t really know – it doesn’t make sense. We can guess that maybe it’s metaphorical for crying (I mean he cried so hard about a stupid cake, three times!), but the lines feel like nonsense. Still – we know something else is going on. Poor guy. Maybe he should have had a better fashion sense. I mean, striped pants? Seriously?



    I am the Walrus – The Beatles: As the first lyrics (I am he as you are he as you are me
    and we are all together) we just wonder how many freaking doses of LSD John Lennon dropped before writing this gem. And what the hell is the Walrus and how can you also be an eggman? And does that mean they are also the Walrus as they are the eggman as well as they are? Seriously, this song will give you a headache trying to interpret it! Lennon even said it was just a bunch of randomness put together. You know what else is a bunch of randomness put together? LIFE! Yes. Life is random as this song. Yes, part of I am the Walrus is from a dream, part of it is from Through the Looking Glass, part is from a childhood lymeric , but they were all obviously influences in Lennon’s life. The blending of this randomness represents the blending of Lennon’s (and ultimately everyone’s) life, and what influences him and us. Perhaps if I were to write this song, it would be called “I am the Nerfherder,” as Star Wars influenced me. It would quote Emily Dickenson, AC/DC, and reference that strange dream I had about the coffee shop that I know exists, even though I know it doesn’t really exist. But I digress – It doesn’t matter what the Walrus is. The Walrus isn’t Lennon – but the Walrus, is part of Lennon’s internal lore. Thus the Walrus IS Lennon, and Lennon is the Walrus. Goo goo g’joob!


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  • The best stuff ever! Part one….

    cute cat

    Stuff! Stuff is cool! Stuff is good! Stuff is awesome! Well, maybe not all stuff. But a lot of stuff is cool and awesome and good! And some stuff is cooler and awesome-er and uhhh good-er. Wait, that’s not how you say that! Better! Better! Holy crap better! But I digress. Some stuff is better than other stuff. So what’s the best stuff though? What’s the cream of the crop as far as stuff goes? Well, I’ll tell you darnit! I’ll tell you right now!!!!! Sit down, because sonny boy or girl, you’re about to get schooled with the best stuff ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The Coast Yes, the coast! It’s calming, it’s full of salty air, and dangit, it’s just awesome! I love the coast and wouldn’t want to be anywhere that I can’t get to the coast in less than three hours. Seriously. Don’t make me move to Colorado or Texas or Chicago, or Saskatchewan. I ain’t gonna do it! Why? Because the coast! And not just any coast…..the Oregon Coast! Yes, the Oregon coast is the best coast ever. We rule! We have the best sunsets when the clouds cooperate, and dangit, we have pretty pretty rock formations everywhere!

    Heavy Metal Music Come on, whom among you doesn’t love a loud, guitar ridden, heavy metal song! Who doesn’t love AC/DC pumped up to 11? Who doesn’t like Hair Metal? Who doesn’t like ten minute drum solos? Seriously, long live Rock and Roll! I remember at my Grandpa’s retirement party, I had my headphones on. My Grandma’s sister asked me what I was listening to. I said, in the most bad ass, eighth grade voice I could muster, TO HELL WITH THE DEVIL!!! Yeah, yeah, It was Stryper…..Soooooo Bad ass (sarcasm). But I mean, maybe in my adolescent mind, I thought they were girls. Seriously….look at them!!! They look like girls!!!!

    Interestingly enough, the only one that still looks like a girl is the one with the chest hair.
    Interestingly enough, the only one that still looks like a girl is the one with the chest hair.

    Regardless, I still love heavy metal. And I still even like Stryper! Although I like a lot of other bands too! Don’t judge me just because I grew up listening to Christian Rock!!!

    Chai Tea I’m enjoying a pot of it right now!!! Seriously, it’s spicy, it’s smooth, it’s got caffeine, it’s got a hint of sweetness! What the heck is better than chai tea? Especially when served with milk. mmmmmm. I think I’ll go get myself another pot! Seriously. Mmmmmmmm.

    Glasses I think about this all the time – how if I didn’t have my glasses I would be royally screwed! I mean, I would get amazingly bad headaches. I wouldn’t be able to legally drive. That sign 30 feet away? It says exit. How do I know that? Because freaking glasses of course!!!!!!! All hail the mighty glasses! Now, I just wish I could keep mine a bit cleaner. Seriously. There’s always smudges on them. It’s almost impossible to see out of them.

    A good pair of headphones So much of my life was squandered on crappy headphones. And then I woke up! Holy crap, if you’re paying 20 bucks for your headphones, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!! Seriously, there’s no sound coming from those pieces of crimminy! None! Go get yourself some senheisers. NOW!

    Cats If you don’t like cats, you can’t be trusted! That is a scientific fact! And don’t give me that whole allergy excuse – I have allergies to cats too, but it doesn’t stop me from cuddling with my scnookiee wookums! In fact, the only thing that keeps me from snuggling with him is the fact that he hates it and eventually claws me up. Seriously, my arms have so many cat scratch scars on them, it looks like I’ve been doing heroin! But I still snuggle with him! And I’m happy to clean his litter box. I’m happy to feed him when he’s hungry, even if it’s in the middle of the freaking night. Seriously – there’s nothing I won’t do for my master! All hail the cat! All hail the true ruler of the world!

    Seriously - who can say no to this face? I mean, you'd have to be a monster!!!
    Seriously – who can say no to this face? I mean, you’d have to be a monster!!!

    Water Yes, Water. It makes plants grow and it makes me less thirsty. It’s really a miracle thing! But watch out! I hear someone’s been putting chemicals in water! Seriously, some sicko has been putting dihydrogen monoxide in our water! It can be found in dangerous levels all over the world! Seriously, two ounces of this poison can kill you. And yet you can find this chemical in our water! Keep our water chemical free dangit!!!!

    Sharks Ooooo, yes, sharks. Sharks are awesome! Sharks are Awesome! I told you before that sharks are awesome! Why won’t you believe me? Oh, I know….you’re one of those fin eaters, aren’t you? Well guess what? That’s based on freaking psuedoscience and you need to get some science in you STAT! I mean, I do like eating shark tacos. There’s something about eating apex predators that make you feel superior! Bow to me, for I will eat you if you don’t! OK, ok, just kidding – don’t eat the sharks. They’re awesome! Seriously, look at this guy and tell me he isn’t awesome!!!!

    Awwww yeah, the hammerhead is sooooo Awesome!!!
    Awwww yeah, the hammerhead is sooooo Awesome!!!

    Video Games Yeah! Ain’t nothing better than laying in bed after a hard day at work, killing people in GTA. Or maybe I’m working on my latest murder coaster in Roller Coaster Tycoon. Or maybe I’m finding a way to torture villagers in my dungeon on minecraft. Or maybe…..umm…..maybe I need to seek professional help. I seem to be a psychopath!

    Showers Ever gone a week without a shower? Let me tell you, it’s not fun! Seriously, by the end of the week, you have barnacles attached to your ears. BARNACLES! It’s really gross! In my defense, I wasn’t able to take a shower because I was on a trip. About 30 of us all camping in Mexico, and that’s why I didn’t shower. But ohmygosh. It was BAD! BAAAAAAAAD. EWWWWW GROSS BAD! At least everyone I was with was in the same boat. But GROSS! Gross! So always take showers and never take showers for granted! See what I did there?

    Grammer Grammer rules. Always use proper grammer or I’ll whip you with a wet noodle. its inscrutable to me how some don’t know how to use proper grammer. I know its though. I know you have better things too due. I know their are dying children and proppar grammer seams stupid. But its not! USE PROPER GRAMMER!

    Coffee How can you live without coffee? You can’t! That’s how! If you don’t like coffee, you don’t like to live! You don’t like being awake! You don’t like anything I like because you don’t like coffee! Seriously though – coffee is amazing. And I’m not at all addicted to caffeine. Now where’s my trucker’s choice stay awake pills?

    Mmmmm......look at that crema!
    Mmmmm……look at that crema!

    Walking around in the middle of the night, yelling like a madman while swinging a cleaver back and forth What. you’ve never done this? Ummm…..why not? Come to think of it, this is pretty creepy. Hmmm, maybe I should call for that professional help even sooner. Yeah….I’m definitely a psychopath.


    So why didn’t I name any people? I mean, Jesus, my girlfriend, a band, or anything like that? Well – read the title! It says the best STUFF ever. Stuff are things, and people are not things. I thought we learned this lesson after the Civil war. Geez. People are not things. People are not your own personal property. The very fact that I had to right this makes me sick. Yeah. I’m so sick of you! Go away! Goodbye! Gosh!

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  • A few songs to get me (and maybe you) through the next four years

    Piano flag

    Before I start, I want to state that this blog is usually not very political. I know and even respect a lot of people who have different political viewpoints than I do, and I want to make sure to keep this blog a safe space for those people. I value diversity in opinions, and even try to understand where people are coming from when they think differently than I do. So, please – if you disagree with me politically, please know that I am doing my best to see your point of view.

    With that out of the way – I’m frightened by the prospect of certain people running the country for the next four years. Maybe even terrified. I’ve never felt this way about any politician before. Despite all this fear – I have to live. I can’t just give up – I have to find a way to not only survive, but even thrive in what might be a very dark chapter in our nation’s history. Of course – those of you who know me and read this blog know that one thing that helps me to get by with my day to day is music. So, of course I made a list of songs that I plan on using for that purpose. I’m sure this will be part one of who knows how many. By the way, here’s a handy dandy Spotify link to this list. Subscribe and watch the list of songs grow!

    Is it Like Today – World Party: This song kind of changes it’s tone with my mood. Sometimes I see it as a philosophical song, sometimes a negative, sometimes a neutral. Despite the tone, the song really does make us compare our own day and age with the past. It makes us look at history with unforgiving eyes, and serve as a warning to us to not repeat the mistakes of the past. There are those who are claiming Hitler 2.0. I’m not quite there yet – though I do like to say Mussolini 2.0. Regardless, it is important to ask if this new (and any) administration is repeating the mistakes of the past. Be it the mistakes of WWII, Vietnam, The Roman Empire, The Babylonian Empire, the age of exploration, or whatever age you want to look at. It has almost become a cliche that if we don’t know history, we are indeed doomed to repeat it.

    Stars and Stripes of Corruption – The Dead Kennedys Sometimes I think this should be the national anthem, regardless of who is in office. Despite the fact that it starts out with an act of social disobedience of a banal manner, it asks some pretty tough questions of anyone who would commit such an act. Sure….it takes a few pot shots at the “Archie Bunkers waving the flag,” but then it makes a point of claiming social responsibility. It says change needs to happen, not just with “the other side,” but with ourselves. Let’s stop lying to eachother. Let’s encourage eachother instead! Yeah – not many people are going to agree with every single line in this song, but I feel like everyone can find a little wisdom in a line or two.

    My War – Black Flag: In the introduction, I talked about how many of the people I associate with, even respect, are in political opposition to my personal stances. To quote this song – “you say you’re my friend, but you’re one of them.” It really does cause an internal war with me. Don’t worry – that’s pretty much as far as this analogy goes. I really don’t believe any of my associates want me dead and I certainly don’t want any of them dead. Still – there is a struggle. It isn’t easy to hold my tongue sometimes, even if I know it’s for the best. Granted, I’m sure some of my associates feel the same way about me.

    Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Monty Python: This might have the most offensive video ever to be made – but the message is pure: Optimism is never a bad policy. I realize some are pessimists, some are realists – I’m not. I’m an optimist. I need my hope and the moment I loose hope – well – let’s just say it gets really bad. Sure…..the resident of the White House might launch us into nuclear war. Sure, he’s going to take away health care. Sure, he might take away funding for pretty much everything and make us a third world country. But hey! It could be worse! We at least had a few good years! Oh god…..please let this guy step down like….NOW!

    Pride In the Name of Love – U2: In all honesty, I have it pretty ok. I’m not a persecuted gender, religion, sex, or ethnicity. Not all are this lucky. The current resident of the White House ran on a campaign of fear against minorities. Maybe it was all talk, maybe it wasn’t. Regardless, as I said before – those who do not remember history are doomed to repeat it. This is why this, and songs like this are important. They talk about the past struggles of great men like Martin Luther King Jr. They remind us of the sacrifices made by these people. And they remind people like myself, the lucky ones, that we need to remember how lucky we really are. It makes us remember that despite the fact that maybe everything will be fine for a WASP like me, it might not be so fine for someone else.

    You Can Call me Al – Paul Simon: This song isn’t for me – rather it’s for those who might need a friend. Those mentioned in the last section. I realize that the whole safety pin on the hoodie thing is in danger of loosing substance, but to me it’s a very serious thing. I’ve been in a place where a friendly smile and a listening ear – even that of a total stranger – would have been more than welcome. I want to be that to others that need it. Maybe no one will really need this, maybe they will. Regardless, I am willing to their bodyguard, their long lost pal. They can call me Betty, and I’ll call them Al.

    Under Pressure – Queen with David Bowie: It’s a terror of knowing what this world is about….watching some good friends scream LET ME OUT! This song captures so many emotions. Those of fear, hope, pressure, and even giving up. But it ends with love. It ends with pleading for love. When we’re under pressure, it might be easy to give up – but it’s better to give love one more chance. On a totally unrelated note – damn I miss David Bowie. 🙁

    Drunken Lullabies – Flogging Molly: It’s ok to be angry at whatever the president does. It’s not ok to fall into complacency. It’s not ok just to roll over and take it. It’s not ok to sit around, singing drunken lullabies about better times. This song was written during W’s administration – but I feel its time is again coming. And just like the song says – I feel we’re going to, once again, find ourselves in the same old mess. Let’s sober up and do something about this crap storm!

    Baby I Can’t Please You – Sam Phillips: This song is dedicated to those who have opposing ideals and decide to be dicks about it. Yeah – strong language, but necessary. It’s dedicated to those who decide it’s better to be “right” than to care about those who are, in your eyes, wrong. It’s dedicated to pundits – both conservative, liberal, or other, who care more about their ideologies than the people they hurt. This song’s true message is simple – stop being a jerk! Just stop it! You’re dealing with people with real emotions.

    Hand in My Pocket – Seeway: When Alanis Morissette originally sang this song in the 90s, it felt like an anthem of knowing all is well, even though all is not known. It said despite our lack of direction, we could figure it out somehow. It was, in truth, a very optimistic song. This version keeps that optimism, however it adds an element of anger. The vocals and guitars add an element of rage. So, what about the optimism found in the original? It’s still there – it’s just more about “this too shall pass” and less about an immediate it’s going to be alright type of attitude. Everything’s going to be fine fine fine….but it might not be fine for awhile.

    Raised by Wolves – U2: This is a story of a car bombing Bono almost became a victim of. I’m not sure if he would have been in the blast, or just a witness – but regardless, he would have been a victim. One cannot recover from even being a witness of that kind of violence. Do I believe that our country is heading towards this type of violence? Probably not. Though I do fear a fascist administration – and I do fear the retaliation that might ensue.

    Ping Pong – Stereolab: Perhaps one of my biggest fears of the current administration is that we end up in another stupid war. A war we spend billions – maybe even trillions on, and gets us nothing. A war that gives us a whole new set of problems, all in the name of whatever buzzword might be popular at the time. I’m usually a moderate type of guy – but damn – I HATE war. I’m a hardcore pacifist, and I don’t want my tax dollars used to fund war. What’s worse is the military industrial complex spouting the lies this song talks about. War is good for the economy. Bull(CENSORED). And besides – the lives of others are worth more than any philosophical dollars some already rich CEO might make. Yeah – sorry, I rant when it comes to war.

    Message in a Bottle – Sting and Edin Karamazov (Live from the Labyrinth): You probably know this song – but this version of this song is just amazing. Very slow and subtle. I feel as though this version spades, no, hearts, no..dang it – can’t think of the right word – but whatever word it is, it does it to the original. It really captures the feeling of loneliness the original so desperately wants to describe to the listener. And then a message of hope in the last verse. We aren’t alone people. We have each other. We aren’t alone in being alone.

    Russian Lullaby – Havalina Rail Co: One for his boss. Ok, ok, cheap shot. Fppppt.

    Escher’s World – Chagall Guevara: This is just here to say we might wake up in an alternative timeline. One that doesn’t make sense. One that disobeys the laws of physics. One that might just be a dream land. Maybe that’s where we’re at. Maybe it’s all a dream……

    I Should be Allowed to Think – They Might be Giants: I said one of my biggest fears of the current administration is going to war. Another is a blatant stripping of our rights. I’m very libertarian when it comes to things like free speech, freedom of expression, and the like. Hell, I’m a writer. I work in community access television! I want people to say what they want to say even if I disagree with it. However, considering some of the things pulled already, I fear these rights are in jeopardy. What’s next? Thought crime?

    Be Thou My Vision – Pedro The Lion: My final addition to this list is about centering my spirit I guess. I’ve talked alot about my hopes fears, emotions, et cetera. This song is to say – I guess this is to keep my focus on what really matters. We’ve not been blown to oblivion yet. While I don’t have a lot of hope for the current administration – there’s always hope. There’s always faith. There’s always love. I chose this version because a) I love David Bazen’s voice, and b) it gives me the feeling that Bazen sang it not out of praise – but out of surrender despite whatever situation might have been happening.

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  • 12 Christmas songs you really should listen to…

    stringlights
    The holidays are here – ready or not. Some years I get excited – this year, not so much as it’s been a tough year. However, I believe in the holidays, and no matter my mood, I feel as though I need to observe them. The holidays are so much bigger than my own individual mood – so dive into the holidays I shall. There are few things to help me accomplish this – looking at pretty lights always helps, as does looking at the excitement of children in the toy department as they spy their Christmas morning wish. But the biggest thing that helps put me in a holiday mood is to listen to music. Some music is silly, some is sweet, some is profound, some is even sad. Whatever the mood though – it helps set my mood. So on that – here is a list of some of my holiday favorites. I hope they enhance your season as much as they enhance mine:

    Christmas – Blues Traveler: These guys get the season right. They start the song out with saying they just don’t “feel it” at this time, and yet they pursue the season anyways. They tell the listener that the holidays are about hope, love, peace on Earth, etcetera. “Noel / or navidad / Season celebration or just the end of the year / Christmas can mean anything /And I mean to keep it’s hope forever near.” They end the song by singing “Hark the herald’s angel sing.” If you don’t understand their religious / philosophical views, the significance of this might get lost on you, but to give you a hint – they’re outspoken atheists and have done entire albums on their viewpoints. So – the ending of the song gives me a huge amount of respect for Blues Traveler as this is putting action to words. This is Blues Traveler showing their feelings are irrelevant as there are more important things to focus on this time of year. Bravo guys, bravo.


    Do they Know it’s Christmas – Band Aid: Ok, ok, this might not be the most cheery song ever, but that’s fine. There’s just something about hearing Sting, Bono, Boy George, George Micheal, and every other freaking early 80s British or Irish musician of note singing together. And once more, they were singing together for a cause. They were trying to raise money to feed starving people, as well as to raise awareness of famine. Yeah, sure….the author of the song (Bob Geldof) kind of hates the song (even calling it one of the worse songs ever written). Yeah sure, they had to basically throw a temper tantrum to get Boy George out of bed, across the freaking Atlantic and into the studio. Yeah, sure….Bono really didn’t want to sing that line. Still – when everything was finished, they produced something amazing. Something that’s part of my history. Something that even inspired Quincy Jones and Micheal Jackson to create We are the World (Geldof hates that song as well). This song is my childhood. And despite what Bono thought at the time, I believe “Well tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you,” is one of the best lyrics ever written. I do wonder one thing though – why wasn’t Elvis Costello involved?


    12 Days of Christmas – John Denver and the Muppets: Yes, yes, I’m 42 years old and I still love this song. Why? Well, one of the components of the holiday season is joy. What brings more joy than laughter? This is a very funny song. Actually, the entire album is funny as heck. We need more humor in this world, so if you don’t like it….well adjust your funny bone. And chant with animal…won’t go! Won’t go! WON’T GO! (badum dum). Oh wait, that’s We wish you a merry Christmas. Like I said – the entire album is hysterical. And Awesome. If it doesn’t bring you joy, you need a shot of Christmas cheer.


    Oh Come All Ye Faithful – Twisted Sister: I never knew that Christmas music could rock until I heard Twisted Sister’s version of this song. But rock it does! It rocks so hard, I want to sing into a hair dryer, 80s style, whenever I hear this. I want to tear my clothes off and dress like the band. Well, maybe not – I mean, me dressed in women’s clothing might look scary. Then again, I probably wouldn’t look half as scary as Dee Snider. One highlight of this song – in the guitar solo (yes, there’s a guitar solo), they start drifting off into “We’re not gonna take it.” Almost an Antithesis of Iron Butterfly, who, in the long version of Inna-gadda-da-vida, drifted into “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” By the way – if you’re not watching any of the videos – watch this one. You’ll laugh your ass off.


     

    Hark the Herald Angels Sing – Bad Religion: Just as Twisted Sister makes Christmas Music rock, so does Bad Religion. But while (I feel) Twisted Sister did it for the hell of it – Bad Religion’s Christmas songs feel like they took a page from Blues Traveler. Here’s a punk band, named Bad Religion of all things. They have been known to come out against organized religion, even featuring a Cross with a red circle and Line through it as their logo. Yet they’re singing some of the most sacred songs, and with reverence too. I chose Hark the Herald Angels Sing as my example, but really most of the entire album does this. And it’s beautiful. It demonstrates that while they speak out against organized religion, they’re perfectly ok with the actual teachings of Jesus, ie love, love, love.


    All I ever get for Christmas is Blue – Over The Rhine: There’s a sultry, jazzy feel to this song which will just give you shivers unless you’re dead – and oh the feels! Over the Rhine says they like to write “Reality Christmas” music; music that recognizes, despite the holiday season and the joy thereof, we still feel real and often times dark emotions. We miss loved ones, we feel fear, rejection, sorrow, and pain. This song in particular reminds me of so many Christmas mornings where I longed to have someone by my side – my loneliness having to take a back seat to the holiday, but my loneliness still there. I suppose songs such as this are almost an antithesis to that of the Blues Traveler’s “Christmas.” Just as the season asks us to recognize the season is bigger than our own individual feelings – this song, and others in the “Reality Christmas” genre, remind us that we’re still human. That we can still feel sorrow and pain if we need to – even if it is Christmas day.


    Underneath the Tree – Kelly Clarkson: Perhaps this song isn’t up the same standard as most of the other songs on this list, but dammit, I like Kelly Clarkson. So sue me. And this song provides a happy ending to All I ever get for Christmas is blue. There’s nothing wrong with a happy ending. Yes, it’s cheesy, yes, it’s plastic, yes, it’s typical pop – but it’s sweet, sweet candy. There’s nothing wrong with eating candy every so often – as long as you don’t make a steady diet of it, you should be fine.


    Christmas at Ground Zero – Weird Al Yankovic: I used to listen to this song every Black Friday. It was almost always the first Christmas song I listened to and set the tone for the entire season for me. While this song is indeed very funny, It really does explore peace on earth. It shows us the horror of a nuclear war – and how even Christmas time chants of peace, hope and joy cannot stop idiotic madmen if they’re hell bent on destruction. Perhaps we should all send this to any and all future presidents. Include with it a short letter: please, for heaven’s sake, and for the sake of Peace on Earth, don’t bomb people. Please! Give Peace a chance.


    Christmas Dinner, Country Style – Bing Crosby: Perhaps this song is a little outdated. I really don’t know too many people who make a thanksgiving style dinner on Christmas anymore. Who has that kind of time? We’ve got relatives to visit, presents to wrap, presents to unwrap. Besides, who wants to do all those damned dishes? Having said all that, it’s a throwback to a different time – one I saw in my grandparents and their siblings. One that will always be part of me, even if it celebrates a tradition I don’t celebrate. Going back to the concept of Reality Christmas, perhaps remembering our deceased loved ones during the holidays isn’t as bad or sorrowful as we think it might be. Remembering their traditions, their quirks, what made them smile, what made them happy – yeah, we miss them – but remembering the things that gave them joy might be enough to bring us a little joy despite their absence.


    Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire – Bob Rivers: Let’s be honest: there are some freaking annoying Christmas songs out there. And while some of you might like the Chipmunks Christmas song, I see it as one of the most annoying songs ever written. This song serves as a sort of therapy for those of us who just can’t listen to that accursed song any freaking more. Sure – it might be a bit to macabre for the season, but hey! It brings me joy to think of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore as part of that “Christmas dinner, country style…”


    Winter Wonderland – Steve Taylor: Christmas songs done in a mariachi style. Why not? I guess it’s better than José Feliciano’s “Feliz Navidad.”


     

    The Hallelujah Chorus from Handel’s Messiah: I’ll leave you with this, perhaps one of the most beloved choral arrangements of all times. This song, especially while preformed by a mass choir and full orchestra, really does illiterate the point about the season being more than just about our own selves. Look at the video – look at all those faces. Hundreds of people, with who knows what is going on in their lives. If you pay attention, you can even see it in their faces. You can see that something in their lives is not going well – there’s pain and sorrow and worry…and yet there they are….singing Hallelujah with a thousand other people. They may or may not believe the same things as I believe – they may or may not care about the same things – they may or may not even like the same type of music. But there they stand, singing about the coming of the Messiah (whether they believe in the Messiah or not).

    Merry Christmas everybody.


     

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  • Deadroll

    Chapter 1: The First Day

    20161026_141438_film1“And this is our main studio control room…..” A short, chinese woman with a hollow voice said as we walked into a room. On one wall….monitors everywhere over a counter full of controls.
    “This is like something out of Star Trek,” I said with a snort.
    “Close….this console was actually used in Star Wars. You know that lever they pull on the Death star?”
    “Ohmygosh! Yes! Oh Wow!” I marveled at the controls – the lights, the buttons. Here was a piece of cinematic history in front of me.
    “Let’s look over here” We turn to see a large studio through the windows- maybe 75 by 100 feet. The walls were grey, and lit with a blue light. Cameras arranged in front of a stage, lights dangling from the rafters.
    “What the hell!?!?!” I noticed a horrific doll right at the window. It was female….it had curly brown pigtails….It looked vaguely realistic, but the paint was chipped…..like it was quite old. Maybe from the 50s or earlier.
    “Oh….that….that’s just Jill. We use her for training purposes. Her tone is fairly realistic, so she’s good at teaching how to color correct cameras.”
    “I swear….she moved her head”
    “Hah! A lot of people say that….it’s just your imagination though.”

    Later that day, in the same studio, I sit at the monitor wall. Over the intercom, someone says “10 minutes to dead roll”.
    “Dead roll?”
    “Oh, this is a live show. We have to end at a certain time. Dead roll is just a long ending. It has a countdown beforehand, so we know if it’s safe to cut to the ending or if we need to keep stretching the guests and host.”
    “Oh….makes sense.”
    “Camera one….you do realize you’re live. Stop moving around like you’re on a roller coaster!” the director, a plump, middle aged hispanic man yells.”

    Chapter 2: One Month Later

    The clock seems dead. Not literally. I can hear the ticking of the second hands, but it seems so slow. The minutes feel like they’ve been caught in a time warp. Ahhh. Bordem. I sit at my desk and fight the urge to space out.
    Just then, a rumble. My coworker rolls by my door – a cart with Jill and her “brother” Jack” on it. Covered with a blanket, almost as the equipment cart was a gurney. Almost as he was taking Jack and Jill into surgery. I think nothing of it…..I’m used to creepy Jill by now. I’ve convinced myself the incident on my first day was nothing more than my imagination. Jitters from starting a new job. But for some reason….Jill caught my eye. I stare at her. She’s facing the ceiling with her plastic half smile.
    And then she turns her head towards me…..
    And then she smiles….. a toothy….smile.
    I scream and lock my door.

    The next day I ask my coworker if he had been playing a trick on me. If perhaps he had rigged some remote control to her or something.
    “Nope, besides, her neck is fixed. No moving, come look for yourself.”
    We go to the storage equipment…..but Jill isn’t there.
    “Huh…I thought she was right here, someone must have moved her.”
    I look at the empty space, then I look over at Jack. Still at his spot. I pick him up and examine his neck. Solid. Nothing that can move. I know the dolls are a set….made exactly alike aside from one being male and one being female.
    “Hmm, must have been my imagination again. Mid day day dream fooling my brain”
    I shake it off, and go about my day.

    Chapter 3: Deadroll

    Another live show. On cue, over the intercom, a female voice monosyllabically announces” five minutes to dead roll.”
    I sit at my station, dialing knobs, dials, levers mindlessly. I hear someone behind me cue up the deadroll at the VTR station. Backwards chipmunks, forwards, backwards, backwards, forwards, backwards….they finally get it right.
    Three minutes later, on cue…..another deadroll announcement….”two minutes to deadroll”.
    At the minute mark however…..the voice changes to an excited little girl, hyped up on sugar.
    “One minute to deaaadrollllll! HAHAHAHAHA.”
    The plump, middle aged director snaps “that’s not funny! We’re professionals!”
    But thirty seconds later….the same voice. The same “little girl.”
    30……20…….15……10….9….8….7…6…..
    We’re looking around, frightened, wonder what’s going on…..
    5….4……3…..2…..1…….TIME FOR DEADROLL!!!!!!!!!!
    Every monitor turns a bright red. The windows into the studio turn black. All we hear in the studio is screaming! Terror. We run to the door….but the door is locked! Someone tries the landline – but no answer. We yell over the intercom…..no one seems to hear. Our cell phones have no signal. This better just be a prank!
    A couple minutes later, the windows clear up..
    “Ohmygod! Ohmygod!” the audio engineer screeches. Everyone that was in the studio is now dead. Their bodies, all thrown into a bloody pile in the center of the set. 20 or so bodies….lifeless. And no clue of what happened. Just dead bodies….
    Just then, the door opens. in the door….it’s…..I must be hallucinating. It’s Jill!. She’s got no arms….no legs, and yet she’s standing there. Her chipped face, smiling psychotic. Teeth showing that couldn’t exist.
    She spins her head clockwise…..screeching. Then mumbling – like twenty, thirty, maybe 50 voices are coming out of her mouth.
    Out of apparent thin air, she holds up a knife – with her lack of arms. It’s almost like the knife is attached to her dress. She floats to the audio engineer and cuts her throat. Her blood spills from her neck and she drops to the floor.
    Jill moves to the director. He’s whimpering in the corner, mumbling “”Hail Mary full of Grace”
    Jill “asks…..is this professional?” and then slits his throat. His dead body makes a hard thud as it crashes onto a counter.
    And now Jill turns to me…….
    “You…..I’ve been waiting for you…..”
    “Why….why me”
    “No reason…..boredom.”
    “Ummm…..ok?”
    I decide to reach for a knife in my back pocket and quickly present it.
    “What the Hell do you think you’re going to do with that? My body is made out of plastic.”
    “Uhhhh,”
    She quickly slashes towards my throat, but I block it with my hand. I grab her dress and pull her around….throwing her against the console. She drops her knife, but somehow bites me. With all my might, I throw her against the door. Her body is in pieces, her head, still intact. I reach for a book on the counter. It’s a heavy Bible…..appropriate.
    I yell, “I’ve heard of Bible bashing, but this is ridiculous.” and plummeted her head with the Bible until it was nothing but rubble.

    Epilogue.

    “How can we recover from this?” I ask the remaining coworkers.
    “We can’t….we just move on.”
    “I think we better burn the remains of Jill…..throw her into a furnace or something. Just in case.”
    “Probably not necessary…..but if it makes you feel better, feel free to do it.”

    Back in the equipment closet, next to Jill’s now vacant spot….an unexplained light shines on Jack. He awakens, and maniacally laughs as he circles his head…..

    The End?

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  • What should one wear to the hospital?

    what-should-i-wear-today

    As many of my readers know, my mom has been in the hospital and at one point it didn’t look like she was going to make it. While she’s on the up now, she’s got a long road ahead – even now. If that wasn’t stressful enough, I’ve found myself putting a lot more stock in an everyday question. Every time I’ve gone to visit her, I’ve asked myself “what do I wear?” Let me step back….I have a lot of t-shirts, and unless I’m working – I tend to default to said t-shirts. I love my polos I wear to work, but they all seem so plain when I could wear a band t shirt or maybe something a little geeky. I think it goes back to my childhood – I went to a private grade school which didn’t allow for much. Boys were allowed to wear plain t-shirts, but shirts with any kind of printing were prohibited. An extreme example….I had this green and white shirt with an “Ocean Pacific” logo on the back. I decided to wear it that day and cover it up with a jacket. I started to get hot at recess, but the playground attendant wouldn’t let me take my jacket off because it was against the dress code. Never mind, the dress code was to prevent distraction during lessons and this was recess. Rules were rules, even if you’re drenching in sweat! Sidenote, the girls had it worse as dress code was pretty much a literal phrase….they had to wear dresses (or skirts). But getting back to my love for t-shirts, let’s just say when I switched schools in eighth grade, I wore printed t-shirts almost everyday. Just because I could.

    So…back to the hospital. The question that arose about what to wear vs what t-shirt I could or could not wear was the very real fact that my t-shirt could be the last thing my mom saw if she did pass away. Of course, it wasn’t just her – ICU in general is usually full of people who are on the brink of this life and the next. Of course it wasn’t just that – it was also the way I looked to family. My grandma hadn’t seen me with my beard until the day my mom was rushed to the hospital. I was wearing a dark green polo, and the combination really didn’t jive with her. She said I looked kind of scary! A few days later, she warmed up to the beard and told me it was the shirt. While this may or may not have been her overreaction – I still have not worn that green shirt since that day. And of course, that shirt is on the “do not wear to the hospital” list.

    Imagine this being the last thing you saw….

    But again, that’s a polo. What about the t-shirts? Of course, there’s some very obvious shirts one should never wear to a hospital (or, maybe anywhere, but oh well). A classic example is a Def Leppard “Hysteria” T shirt. Anyone that would wear this design to an ICU, ER (or even anywhere small children frequent) needs to get professional help; they’re obviously a full blown psychopath – no further testing needed! I can picture someone as they’re breathing their last… and seeing the two demonic faces in obvious eternal torment, and thinking – Oh crap, I’m entering hell, aren’t I? Another example: my “Spinal tap, None more black,” shirt. Probably less sinister than the Hysteria shirt, but still…a spinal tap t-shirt in a hospital? Yeah….probably not a good idea.

    The hordes of Hell have been replaced with Muppets!
    The hordes of Hell have been replaced with Muppets!

    Of course most of my t shirts were probably fine, but I decided if it was at all questionable, I probably shouldn’t wear it. I didn’t wear my Flogging Molly shirt because there was a skeleton on it – let’s not remind the sick what’s inside of them. I didn’t wear my Dead Kennedy’s t-shirt due to the fact that the word “dead” was in it. I didn’t wear my other Def Leppard shirt, the “Pyromania” shirt, because, well, I actually don’t remember. I guess I just felt it was a little too graphic. An explosion as seen through the scope of a rifle…..again….better be safe then sorry. I didn’t wear my Princess Bride shirt because it says “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, PREPARE TO DIE!” And I didn’t wear my Electric Mayhem shirt for the same reason I didn’t wear my Hysteria t-shirt – one look at Animal in chains, and they might have thought…I’m in hell and the demons are muppets!!! I didn’t even wear my deadpool shirts because….DEADpool. If the shirt had any macabre implications, real or imagined, said shirt was on the do not wear list.

    Going past the comfort of anyone in ICU, I had a selfish reason for not wearing certain shirts – I didn’t want the last thoughts of my mom to be – what a dork. I’m currently wearing a shirt that says “There are four lights!” with four dots over the text. If you’re clueless, it’s a Star Trek: TNG reference to when that Cardasians held Picard prisoner – snort. While it certainly isn’t my geekiest shirt ever, it does require a bit of geekiness to get the reference.

    RIP dude...RIP
    RIP dude…RIP

    And while another person might not have thought anything of it, my mind said “don’t wear this shirt! Your mom will think you’re a dork!” There’s a myriad of more obvious pop culture reference shirts. There were transformers t-shirts, several Star trek and Star wars shirts. There was Firefly in a bottle, and of course, there’s the Hodor quote shirt. It says “Hodor” – Hodor. Granted, my mom wouldn’t even get the reference…..but I was still worried. Almost all my geek shirts had to be put on the “do not wear” list.

    Finally, there was one more category I had to consider. If I wore a shirt that I really love, and my mom died while I was wearing that shirt, would I be able to wear that shirt ever again? Honestly, most of the shirts I love were already covered in the do not wear category – but I have a couple that had to be included on the do not wear list for this reason. I’ve got a “Pink Floyd – wish you were here” shirt that I love dearly. I’ve got a Cure shirt my girlfriend got me. I’ve got a couple U2 shirts. I felt shirts in this category had to be put on the DNW list as they’re really not shirts I want attached to tragedy.

    After all this I felt like I had one choice when visiting my mom (especially in the ICU). I wore plain, every workday polos. They’re comfortable, they’re ok looking, they’re non-offensive, and they’re forgettable. The biggest effect they might have on anyone around (aside from allegedly making me look scary with my beard) is that a lot of them have pretty, soothing colors. Purples, royal blues, lavender, and the like. I do admit…I avoided wearing any of my black polos – but that might be my own superstition. Then again….maybe all of this is superstition. They had us wear gowns when visiting her in the ICU, just as a precaution against microbes. So….seeing what we were wearing wasn’t all that possible. Maybe I just needed to control this….this one little thing in a time where so much was out of control.

    I did, the other day, break down and wear a t-shirt when I saw her. It was a “star wars coffee” parody of Starbucks. I kind of regretted it, not because the design. Not because I thought it might be scary or demonic or insensitive. I didn’t even care that it was a little dorky – I did, however, care that it was a little short. This is why I always get a tall size in shirts if I have the choice!

    I thought I ordered a TALL Americano with cream!
    I thought I ordered a TALL Americano with cream!
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  • The ten most awesome sharks ever!

    Sharks. Holy crap, they’re cool. Fish that are often times huge, evolved to kill anything and everything in their paths with their teeth of justice! Ok, ok, some of them are actually pretty tame, but I think it says a lot about them that their gentle cousins, the Rays, actually killed Steve Irwin. I mean, the dude wrestled freaking crocodiles, and yet a freaking sting ray killed him. Yeah….ok, ok, maybe that’s just circular logic, but dangit, sharks are cool and it’s shark week darnit!!! So to honor this festive time, here’s my list of the ten most awesome sharks ever!

    great-white-shark-720x480

    10. Great White Shark – This is, without a doubt, the king of the sharks. No other shark brings as much fear to us as the Great White. Jaws is coming to get us and we need a bigger boat! Yes! And they’re everywhere man, they’re everywhere. They’re in your bed at night! Ok, ok, maybe not in your bed….but they might as well be! They’re in every ocean except for the Artic and the Northern Antlantic. And they will get up into the Northern Atlantic….Jaws did happen in Nantucket after all…..

    sm_nostomach

    9.  Australian Ghost Shark / Elephant Shark – Look back at the great White shark. Now look at the Elephant Shark – yeah, they don’t even look like they’re both from the same Class – and yet they are. The Great White shark is the epitome of the natural born killing machine – but the elephant shark? Well, it’s just one of those fish that flops around, all chill doing it’s Dumbo imitation with its faux trunk. Yeah. This shark has a faux trunk – you want to make something of it? I didn’t think so – because he might be a dumbo looking shark, but dumbo will mess you up because he’s still a shark! Respect the freaking shark!

    mk77615_241648_330005.jpg4-saw-shark

    8. Saw Shark – How would you like a chainsaw for a freaking nose? Huh? Well, that’s what the saw shark has – a long nose with long, sharp teeth lining the right and left of it’s freaking snout. Yeah…..that’s what you call a nightmare. But unlike a chainsaw, it can’t run out of gas. It just thrashes it’s snout until its freaking prey is dead and it’s gobbling the mutilated flesh. Yeah….don’t mess with this bastard. You’ll end up an amputee!

    80-Million-Year-Old-Shark-Fossil-Defies-Darwinism

    7. Frilled Shark – look at this shark. Isn’t he evil looking? He’s like a demon from the deeps, coming to eat your soul!!! If you see this, run for your life, because Lucifer himself has sent this sucker to consume you! Ooooo, but it’s so much worse than that…..this shark’s teeth are even more nightmarish! It’s got rows upon rows of needle-like teeth lining it’s long jaws. Stick your hand in one of these, and you might as well stick your hand in a meat grinder powered by about 100 pissed off cats. That’ll hurt!

    137590322843814126703601197_Alien_Sharks_Megamouth

    6.  Megamouth – this thing claims it only eats plankton, but look at it….does that look like something that only eats plankton? That mouth is huge. It could probably fit a Volkswagen bug in it’s mouth if it wanted to – not that anything would want to eat a Volkswagen beetle. But it could if it wanted to darn it!!! More-so, this thing looks like the godfather. Yes, maybe it isn’t lying about it’s diet, but it’s hands, err….fins aren’t clean, that’s for sure. It’s the one running the show from behind the scenese. It’s the one telling all of the other sharks to eat everything else……Your only hope is to ask for a favor on this, the day of it’s daughter’s wedding….or it’ll have an offer you can’t refuse.

    whorl

    5. Whorl Shark – This shark has a normal shark body, but a freaking circular saw blade for a lower jaw. Seriously, it’s jaw just kind of winds up. I’m not sure which is worse, this or the saw shark, but this shark certainly looks way more awesome than any damned chainsaw wannabe shark. This will do more than make you an amputee, this will cut you in half like a 2×4!!! Yeah! Aren’t you afraid to go into the water now? Well….maybe you shouldn’t be actually. This guy hasn’t swam in the oceans of earth for over 200 million years. Still…you never know….one might have survived in the depths of the ocean. Maybe it’s just waiting to make its resurgence back into the world. First it’ll conquer the oceans, and then the world.

    whale-shark_2

    4. Whale Shark – Finally, a shark that doesn’t pose any threat to our well being. Well, unless your name is Jonah! Yes….some biblical scholars believe it was not a whale that ate Jonah, but a whale shark. And you can see why. They’re huge. Oh, and they know it too. Google Whale shark attacks diver. Yeah…..they might not have any teeth, but if they feel threatened, they’ll use their size against you – in a deadly way. It’s like they’re the hippos of the sea! So even if you’re not supposed to go to Nineveh, be wary of this dude.

    prehistoric4-NEW3-550x350

    3. Megladon – What happens when a Great White Shark takes steroids? You get a huge ass shark that’s not afraid of anything. Seriously, when these suckers were around, they would eat whales. Freaking whales I tell you! The world hasn’t seen these creatures in 2.5 million years, which means one thing – Australopithecus must have hunted these suckers to extinction because they knew if they didn’t, the sharks would adapt to life on land and eat all our proto-human, ape like ancestors!!! Oh, but just as we know the Whorl shark is lurking about the depths of the ocean, so is Megladon. Just waiting to make its appearance once more…..sooooooooon.

    goblin

    2. Goblin Shark – The Goblin shark is often called a living fossil – but I call it a living nightmare! Seriously, it looks like that nerd from your chemistry class mated with a fish. This sucker is soooo ugly. Still, it’s the kind of so ugly that it’s cute type of thing. Awww, maybe I’ll just cuddle with him for a bit. He looks like he needs a hug. Then again, that nose of his might spear me. That would hurt. Also, he smells like fish. So… I guess he smells a little better than the nerd in chemistry class. Oh yeah…did I mention those teeth are like serrated blades? Nerd or not..might want to let him sit with the cool kids. That bite will hurt!

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    1. HammerHead – This! This is the best shark ever! Awww yeah, the hammerhead. He’s got a hammer for a head! He’s like a great white with a lot more smarts and a lot more awesome! That’s really all there is to say about this awesome shark – other than it can kick all other sharks in the buttox because it’s so awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Still, don’t get too close to this awesome shark, because he is a shark and he could mess up your day royally. Just admire it from a distance….Salute it like a flag. Looking up, but never touching. And singing to it. I’m not sure what to sing to it – but we should sing to it. I pledge allegiance to the hammerhead.

    Disclaimer:
    This is a piece of comedy, and while one should always realize sharks are wild animals with the ability to mess up your day (well, a lot of sharks at least), they are also not as big of a threat to humans as we tend to portray them in the media. Yes, you should keep your distance – yes, you should make sure you’re aware of your surroundings when they’re around, but you should also admire them and respect them – don’t just fear them. Sharks really are awesome!

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  • A short list of songs that changed my life – part 1

    There are many, many songs that have altered my life in some way or another – but some of them have a special impact on me. I’ve tried to list them all, but of course, there are too many. Still, there are a few that stand out. And of course, I can make a list of others when the time comes. But for now, I’ve selected a handful of songs to share. Maybe these songs will change your lives as well.

    REM – Stand: I’ve written about the significance of this song before, but it is such a significant song to my musical appreciation and development, I had to include this song in the list. The story goes like this: I was riding my bike some Sunday afternoon in the mid 80s. I’m listening to a pop station on my headphones, and they played this song. The excitement I felt was so immeasurable. It was so amazing. I loved this song from the first verse. A week or two later, I heard one of my classmates talking about this song negatively. Other classmates nodding in agreement. It was clear, this was not what my peers deemed to be a cool song. And yet….I didn’t care. For the first time in my life, I loved a song that wasn’t popular with my peers and I was proud of liking this song.
    Interestingly enough, my classmates aren’t the only people who don’t like this song. Micheal Stipe wrote the lyrics as a joke – trying to write the most inane lyrics possible. Peter Buck says it’s the stupidest song REM has ever written. I still don’t care. I stand on my opinion on the song stand, and no one can change my mind.

    TLC – Waterfalls: I actually didn’t know this song existed until I heard the Weird Al Parody, “Phony Calls.” In fact, it was the first current song that Weird Al parodied in which I didn’t actually know. I listened to the proper song and, well, I won’t say the song sucks – but I certainly knew I didn’t like the song. Not in any way shape or form. I would rather have a root canal than to listen to that song again. Even now, I’ve tried to listen to it and I’m just baffled that other people actually like(d) this song. That’s not to come against anyone’s taste in music – I would be a hypocrite if I said it was a bad song and you should feel bad for liking it, but I still hate this song and I’m more than ok with that. But why is it such a life changing song to me? Like I said, I discovered it through the Weird Al Parody. It was really the first parody of his I didn’t actually recognize – so it served as an enlightening moment. I hadn’t been paying attention to pop radio for a few years by the time I heard the song – but I didn’t quite realize how far removed I was from what was popular until I heard this song. And just like I was ok with liking Stand, I was just as ok with not even knowing Waterfalls.

    My Bloody Valentine – Sometimes: If you were to ask me what my favorite song is, my answer would be Sometimes by My Bloody Valentine. I had heard it before the mid 2000s, but I didn’t really absorb it till about that point. It was a very dark and lonely time in my life, but when I heard this song, I fell in love with it. After hearing the song, I was inspired to write something on LiveJournal: I don’t need a job, I don’t need a girlfriend, I’ve got good music! While I did need a job in actuality, and while this song did not in fact cure my loneliness – it reset me. It took me to another place. It made me not focus on the darkness of life – but rather the beauty of the music. This song, even today, is still a song that resets my mood.

    New Order – Ceremony: This song is also one that resets my mood, but not in the same way as Sometimes. While Sometimes makes me accept and not care about the world around me, Ceremony is a song that brings me hope and drive. When I hear “I’ll break them down, no Mercy shown, heaven knows it’s got to be this time,” I feel like the song is my own personal cheerleader. After all, the song is about just needing, just being desperate for something to click – despite the fact that every other time before things have failed. To be fair, some may not interpret this song as a song of hope – but I do. This song is always going to be about hope despite my situation, despite all that’s happened….despite the fact that I’ve tried a million times before and fallen on my face. This song is about that one time I tried and instead of falling on my face, I succeeded.

    Tears for Fears – Sowing the Seeds of Love: The last two songs were about bringing hope. Sowing the Seeds of love, however, is all about optimism. It’s not a boost to my mood, it’s more of a slow and steady attitude that I keep. But it’s not just my attitude – this song isn’t just about me. This song is about everyone. This song is about society, and our collective hopes and dreams – this song is about being excellent to each other even when those who have power over society are less than excellent to us. This song is all about love – and as Lennon put it, all you need is love. There’s more to this song than simple lyrics mind you – the trumpet at the end, the orchestration throughout the song, the different sections we encounter through the song – I won’t call it a journey as I personally hate that metaphor – but the song does bring you on a casual afternoon drive on a sunny day with your sweetheart.

    Donald Byrd – You and the Music: Some would say a song about music is something we should avoid. While I say it is a subject one should approach with caution, a song about music is a song about passion. After all – music is a way to express passion – so why not go meta? That is exactly what happens with Mr Byrd’s You and the Music. The song really sums up how I feel about music in general. Sometimes a song is fun, and it just makes me want to dance. Sometimes a song inspires my passions, and it makes me want romance. Sometimes the song captures me and won’t let me go – it puts me in a trance. Honestly – this song does all three to me. This song really describes my passion, my desire, and my very need for music. Any song that can put these things into words deserves a spot on this list!

    Joan Jett - Bad ReputationJoan Jett – Bad Reputation: Sometimes you just want a song about rebellion. A bunch of loud guitars, a I don’t give a ….. attitude, and just plain old rock and freaking roll. This provides just that. It isn’t against anything in particular, and that’s what makes this song great. This is a song that expresses pure emotion – the emotion might not be filtered through our logical senses, it might not know why it’s happening, but then again, emotions aren’t about logic anyways. Deal with it! Cry if you want to cry, yell if you want to yell, laugh if you want to laugh. And yes – it’s all about a bad reputation the speaker of the song supposedly has, but maybe that’s an undeserved bad reputation to begin with! I suppose this song accomplishes the same thing as Mr Byrd’s You and the Music, only limited to a specific genre. Some would view this as a lesser song – but considering rock and roll tends to be my favorite genre, I refuse to take sides on the issue.

    Joanna Newsom – Good Intentions Paving Company: I discovered this song after I broke up with a girl. I had never actually been the person who stops a relationship, so a wave of new emotions and feelings came over me. As I listened to this song, it’s sometimes conflicting journey, I realized this song was about those feelings I was experiencing. It made me feel normal. It made me feel human. I realized I wasn’t a monster. Most of all, I realized this is how every girl who broke up with me felt. I wanted to give them all a great big hug and tell them how much I understood.

    This song earned a permanent place in my musical rotation. A little more than a year passed and I found someone else. As this song came up, on random shuffle, I realized this song isn’t about breaking up, but it’s actually about the process of falling for a new person – the mistakes you’ll make in the process, the uncertainty, and the general craziness of it all. I found myself making these mistakes, and realizing that it was ok – because the girl I fell for wasn’t running.

    So….now I have two conflicting interpretations of what is this song about? Is it about breaking up? Is it about falling in love? Maybe it’s about both. Or maybe it’s just a song that is exactly what you need it to be.

    Belle_&_Sebastian_-_I'm_A_CuckooBelle and Sebastian – I’m a Cuckoo: Sometimes a relationship isn’t just about two people – it’s about an entire group. And When one leaves that group, it’s essentially breaking up with them. Sometimes these groups can be informal groups, sometimes they’re formal like that of a job or a church. I left a church I had been at for probably fifteen years. I realized I just couldn’t fake it anymore – I just didn’t fit. I felt bad, there were a lot of people that I loved and cherished there, but I knew it was what I had to do. At about that time, I bought Belle and Sebastian’s Dear Catastrophe Waitress, and found the song “I’m a cuckoo. The song is a reminiscence of someone the speaker of the song obviously cares about, but had to separate themselves from. It’s both apologizing to the person – but it also recognizes the problems of the relationship and why it was just best they both move on without each other. I’ve already said that a song will capture your emotions of the time, so I feel like I’m repeating myself with this song. But I’m a Cuckoo really did say exactly what I wanted, what I needed to say to the group I left behind.

    On and On – Stephen Bishop; What a fool believes- The Doobie Brothers; Say a little prayer – Dionne Warwick: I’m lumping these three songs together, and there’s probably more that deserve to be in this section. These were songs that I heard when I was really young, and somehow set a spark for me. It’s hard to even put a finger about what they said to me at age four or five, but they said something. It wasn’t their lyrics either – it was the melodies, the music, the sounds, and the overall feeling I got while hearing them. Even now, I’m brought back to this primal feeling when I hear any of these songs. My girlfriend had an interesting theory – these songs were my lullabies. It makes sense. A lot of the songs mentioned in this article are all about knowing things were going to be alright. There were certainly times, even in my young life, I needed to know this. And isn’t that what a lullaby does? Doesn’t it tell the listener that everything is going to be alright? That the monsters under your bed aren’t going to attack you in the middle of the night. Perhaps all of the songs on this list are a lullaby. Sure, I’ve grown past the beliefs of monsters under the bed (though I am still a little afraid of the dark). But sometimes I just need to know everything is going to be alright. Most of these songs in this article can be linked to a time that where everything worked out fine, despite the monsters under my bed – despite the monsters in the world.

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  • The best April Fool’s gag ever played on me

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    I love April Fool’s day.  And it’s only gotten better with the rise of the internet. You have Think Geek’s phony products, reddit’s annual prank, Google, Netflix….they all seem to be in on the April Fool’s merriment. There’s also the individual pranks. This year in Dead Memories Portland, I convinced a good portion of the group that they would discontinue selling Best Food’s Mayonaise in favor of selling Hellman’s nationwide. Some were exhuberant, some not so. I’m pretty sure there’s some that still don’t know it’s a joke. There’s also the string of silly pranks – tape on the bottom of a coworker’s optical mouse, or maybe a fake roach on their desk. And of course, there’s the “I’m pregnant / engaged / coming out of the closet / quitting the internet and ecetera. Some feel those are over the top, and in poor taste, but as someone who has pulled three of the four, I love them. Of course – when I pulled “I’m pregnant,” no one believed me, but that’s an entirely diffferent story.

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    But this is not a story about the best pranks I’ve pulled – this is the story about the best prank pulled on me. It was April 1, 1998, and it was done by my biology instructor in college. To understand the dynamics of this particular prank, I need to tell the reader about the PCC Biology department. Most people taking biology at PCC were not science majors, and therefore got to take the dumbed down biology lab. This lab was, for the most part, at the student’s own pace. We would walk into the biology lab, to the back counter, and ask for the lesson we needed. We would then recieve a box with an audio cassette, and everything we needed to complete the lesson. When we were finished with the lesson, we would finish up the worksheet, show it to the instructor at the front of the lab, and they would grade the worksheet on the spot. We could then go take the quiz for the unit at our leasure. Mind you, this sounds easy enough – but oh, oh it was not. The tests were grueling, and often times would rely you knowing the biology textbook backwards and forwards. They would have questions that were not covered in the material, which you would then have to answer throguh the process of elimination: I know the answer could not be A, B, or D, so I guess the answer is C. Probably a great way to teach those who study science, for a liberal arts major like myself – well, let’s just say I did a lot of extra credit in that class to maintain my GPA.

    But I digress – you want to know about the prank! It was the first week of Spring quarter, and I was taking my first unit of 103.  I remember it had to do with human reproduction, though to be honest, I don’t remember much more about the unit. The instructor was a very sciency looking older, plump woman wiht short hair. She looked very serious and no nosence, but did at times let her human side show up. Example, in this same unit I had to show her a human sperm (on a pre-prepared slide mind you). She seemed to be very excited to see it up close: “Oh, there’s the little guy!” She said with a raspy voice as she looked at a very uncomfortable me.

    I had finished my worksheet, and I needed her to sign off on it. I was satisfied with it, and even figured it was one of the easier units. I handed her my paper, she looked at it, gasped, and then  looked strait at me and said in her most serious tone: “Do you really expect me to accept this?” She obviously knew my deer in a headlights look, as I had just – maybe a day before – showed her a sperm. Silence. Other students gathered around the table, looking at me, me looking at her…..finally I asked: “What’s wrong with this?” She, with the same tone she had after seeing the sperm, said: “Well, for one thing, it’s April First.” She then smirked, and stamped my paper. I realiized I had just been pranked by my biology professor. She later said that she had been waiting all day for a 103 student to finish a lesson, just so she could pull this prank. It obviously gave her joy, made me laugh,  and even made those aorund me laugh.

    I guess that’s what made this specific joke so much fun. Yes, it was a simple joke, and my readers probably expected a more complex joke – but sometimes the simple jokes are in fact the best. It also came from a source I didn’t expect – a collegiate instructor. Someone who had power over me. Someone who could basically ruin my GPAand make me take the class over again if I looked at them the wrong way. And while it made a fool out of me, it really did make everyone involve laugh. This is the most important thing one can hope for in any joke. The pranker, the victim, and the bystanders all enjoyed the joke. This is truly a successful joke. Happy April Fool’s everyone. By the way, there’s a big huge bug on your shoulder. Made you look!

    I just came to say hello.....
    I just came to say hello…..

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